Problem Solving For Submissives -101
You’re confused, angry, frustrated, hurt… just: *insert overwhelming emotion here*. You’re at a loss and don’t see how to fix it. You don’t want to top from the bottom, you know anger isn’t helping, and you don’t know where to begin.
It may seem overly simplistic but there are a few basic things to look at when you’re having trouble that you don’t know how to handle. I’m not perfect, not by a long shot. (In fact I’ve got a list of past punishments to prove it.) I’m not a guru or a counselor, just a normal everyday sub who has learned, and is still learning, the hard way how to navigate things like this. However, I do have a little bit of advice about how to proceed when you feel lost, and while it may not be perfect I hope it will help even one submissive who doesn’t know how to take the next step.
1) Define the problem. First Identify the emotion. Then work to figure out what you suspect is causing you to feel that way. Ex: I feel unimportant. Why do I feel that way? When we’re in the middle of a text conversation my partner disappears without warning, or he has very little time for me when he gets home and is always busy on the weekends.
2) Check for red flags. Okay now you know what the problem is. Write it down. Use no more than one sentence. I mean it… just one sentence. Yes, it’s possible. Trust me it is. ex: “His schedule is unpredictable and busy and the lack of attention makes me feel unimportant.” Perfect- normal problem, mo red flags. Now let’s look at a different one… “He disappears for days without warning and when I ask him about it he calms me clingy, and it makes me feel unimportant” This one is not normal. Red flag. What do you do with a red flag? Assuming it’s just one red flag, you skip to step #6.
3) Find the ideal solution. Ignore practicality for a moment and say exactly what it is that you want. (Yes, I think it’s important to suspend reality a moment because seeing that the ideal isn’t obtainable, or finding that it is can be freeing) Ex: I want him to spend weekends with me, physically together, and I want to talk every night after we get home from work. I want him to let me know if he has to step away from our text conversations for more than 10 minutes.
4) Check if the solution is realistic. Now bring some reason into the equation. Letting you know when he’s stepping away during a conversation would be a reasonable request. You have to provide for the fact that sometimes it won’t be possible and you’ll have to accept an apology instead, but this is a matter of habits and behaviors, so it’s a reasonable thing to want changed. But, a Dom who is a surgeon and works long unpredictable hours can not just rearrange his schedule or quit his job to accommodate a nightly call. A Dom who has his children every other weekend can not give you his full attention at those times.
5) Look for other options. Is there another way? Ahh good old compromise. As my husband is so fond of saying, “there is always a third option.” Ex: Perhaps your Dom is indeed a surgeon. Maybe he can’t call every night, but perhaps instead he can pre-record voice/video messages for you for when you’re feeling particularly needy. His schedule is unpredictable and he gets called in at odd times, or gets stuck in surgery with no way to communicate. Perhaps you decide to turn on the GPS tracker on his phone so that you can see where he is when your anxiety gets the best of your and you fear the worst.
6) Communicate! And now let’s get down to the nitty gritty. The hard part. The part nearly everyone avoids… communication. Doms aren’t mind readers. If you don’t tell them, then they won’t know.
If this is a red flag situation the communication then expect to educate. Be unequivocal. Tell them X is a need for you, and that it’s non-negotiable. If they shut you down…run. I mean it. If someone cannot tell the difference between a desire and a need, or is not open to understanding why their behavior is hurtful they are not a person you want making your decisions for you.
Assuming there are no red flags please keep in mind the dynamic. Be respectful. Speak in terms of facts and feelings. “When X happens I feel this way.” Try to avoid accusations and generalizations. “You always… You never… You don’t care about…” Give them a chance to think, and to respond. Offer up some of the solutions you’ve thought of. Do so respectfully and keep in mind the power exchange dynamic.
7) Evaluate the response. At this point they’ve heard you out and told you their view. They’ve listened to your ideas about how to move forward and now you have to ask yourself if you can you live with it. Sacrifice happens in relationships, but at some point if you feel you are compromising too much you may decide that despite how much you love this person that this just isn’t the time for you, or that you need things they can’t offer. Hopefully you won’t. Hopefully you’ll discover that most problems have alternate solutions if both parties want to find a way to make things work.
And just for good measure, when a Dom handles this sort of thing well, be sure to thank them! It’s not easy to be on the receiving end of this sort of discussion, especially when you’re meant to be in charge and keep the problems at bay. But it’s normal. The way a Dom reacts to a rational, respectful request speaks volumes about their character. So when they show you they’ve got some integrity be sure to recognize it!
Tips
These are just great guidelines for dealing with problems/conflicts in any relationship. Thanks for taking the time to write all of this out! 😸
