Bloggin' Hoe

I was going to go crazy and set my alarm for 7 tomorrow instead of 6 (or 4.45 on weekends), but then I realised it would be way nicer to instead push everything forward by 30 mins, so I’m going to start my 🤸🏻‍♀️totally free day🤸🏻‍♀️ at 5.30, gulp down coffee and breakfast, layer up and take a brisk walk to a place by the water where I can watch the sunrise up close. Of course I see it up close when I’m taking a brisk walk to work, but it’s different knowing I can stop and linger and behold without worrying about getting to my destination (in this case a windowless building where I enter and reality then becomes suspended for 8.5 hours) (true to my nature I’m always half an hour early).

I realise what a shell of myself I am if I can’t move my body in the way I am used to. Pilates, power walking, dancing, skipping down the stairs, skipping up the stairs, being able to walk backwards in heels, being alligator rolled on a bed without having to worry about my stupid ankle twisting again. The act of being active is so meaningful and I have never taken it for granted — you may have noted how many times I have worried aloud on here about losing a leg lmao — but I especially lately am so dialled in to how crucial a part of ✨being Lizz✨ it is.

Without being conceited and vain I love my body, for both personal and professional reasons. Not for just how it looks but what it can do. Davina Ho suggests things to be grateful for in her gratitude practice meditation and one of them is „I’m grateful for my legs that can walk” and it sounds so cheesy but like…real girl!! And my eyes that can see.

I love being in my thirties. I love being in my mid-thirties. I love seeing things change, but in a way more wonderful than I anticipated. Getting older as a woman has not been the rapid descent into worthlessness and decrepitude that some would have you believe. But I do get tired of the „what do you do aside from this? What are your plans after this? When are you going to execute those plans?” that I get hit with from aforementioned men, and their confusion/obvious judgement when I say, „well…nothing.”

I don’t aspire to a normal job, a normal routine, a normal life, whatever any of that means anyway. I want to be a sex worker and go to Pilates and take walks in the middle of the day and read and write and do word searches and watch tennis and go to sleep at 9pm and fuck off to somewhere weird for 7 weeks every year without having to put in leave. Whatever I want at any time I choose, more or less. The life of a retiree 30 years early. I just have sex for money to achieve it. My intention is to ride it til the wheels come off and there’s no tread on the tyres, something I used to feel ashamed of admitting but am comfortable saying now.

One of my New Year’s resolutions — the one at the very top of the list actually — is „accept your limitations and live a life true to them without guilt”. It could be interpreted as a way of weaselling out of „real” adulthood and giving myself carte blanche to be fkn lazy, but I don’t see it that way. I have limitations galore, some of which you’re all very familiar with, and I have routinely tried to push past them to mixed results. Mostly bad. Lol. So if I don’t have to why should I? A defiant take perhaps. I don’t mean it that way. I just mean…I’m blessed lucky fortunate grateful for the cosmic hand I’ve been dealt, I’m incredibly cognisant of that, I’m completely content with everything exactly the way it is and I’ve got plenty of time to figure out what comes next.

I am of course surrounded by astrology girlies and spiritual girlies in general at the broth, my work bestie chief among them, so I am forever goading them into giving me snippets and insights and mulling them over and deciding if they have any relevance to things that are Happening at any given time (sometimes, yes). I also definitely indulge google out of curiosity and keep an eye out for whether or not something it has forecast actually comes true (again, sometimes).

For the week after it I felt like trash, totally emotionally and physically depleted and scared that I would never get back to my usual bubbly, cheerful, stable and happy self, especially since overall this has not been a particularly gangster year for me. I barely ate, slept too much and cancelled all my shifts at work until today (from where I am typing this).

And then idk, I woke up on Monday and inexplicably felt one thousand kilos lighter and with this bizarre certainty that it was finally all over. Whatever cosmic dues I had to pay were squared up. And since then half a year’s worth of my usual luck seemed to happen all at once. So let me tell you some of the things that have happened to kinda get them out there and speak into existence that it is all good again:

* I got back into Pilates with a vengeance — four days in a row — and my body has bounced back incredibly quickly and I don’t hate how I look and feel anymore.

* I saw my physio yesterday and I am almost good as new. He had me jumping from side to side and landing on one leg, doing single leg squats and said he wants me to (tentatively) try jogging in this coming week. I don’t even need the brace anymore, unless I’m power walking a distance that will take me an hour or longer. I am finally wearing heels again.

* I have spent so much meaningful quality time with my closest friends, having really lovely lengthy conversations, eating and drinking, almost feeling like we’re on holiday. I have been generous with my time and money and it feels so nice. I’ve realised in particular the deep love and care Riley has for me, and the lengths he will go to for me. Throughout this tough period he has been by my side, doing everything and asking for nothing.

* I am absolutely frothing my current book, and today I got an email from the library telling me a book I reserved back in March is now available for collection. I work about a 3 minute walk from there and as soon as I am finished, I am going to go pick it up and then buy my groceries and do absolutely fuck all, and that is a wonderful thought.

* My fave receptionist told me I am so well liked and respected here that there is no way I would ever get fired for anything, and if I did she would personally contact the owner to say „what the fuck?”

* My date on Tuesday went wonderfully, and I was awake til 3am because it just went on and on and I didn’t want it to end. Funnily we did not so much as kiss. I also told him I am a sex worker and he was not just accepting but overwhelmingly positive and supportive of it.

* I was bought as a gift my dream plane — the Antonov AN-225 — that I have been desperately longing for for years and years but delayed because it’s an absurd amount to spend on a single item that does fundamentally nothing except look cool. I balked and tried to refuse the offer because it was $900, and my concerns were dismissed to the point I was more or less steamrolled into accepting it, haha.

* When I got the roll of film from NorCal developed I was so pleased with every single shot. And not to sound conceited, but I feel like I look truly beautiful in all of them, which was kinda hard to reconcile with how I feel generally. I don’t think I’m UNattractive, but I didn’t think I looked like *that*. It was a really lovely, affirming, heartening feeling and I am taking that energy forward with more certainty than ever.

* I discovered today, courtesy of a word search I did, that my middle name is a symbol of luck.

* For the third year running I was approached by my property manager over 4 months in advance to renew my lease. My home and my suburb are so deeply important to and cherished by me and the security I feel is so immense. Everything is staying the same, which is exactly how I want it.