Not Waving But Drowning

“I still have the receipt from the film we watched on

our first date” I say “I bought four red sweaters after

you told me it was your favorite color” I say “it’s been

exactly two hundred and twelve days since our last kiss”

I say “last week, in a hotel room, the complementary

pantene shampoo was the type that you use” I say “I walked

around smelling like you and nobody else cried over it”

I say “yes, I’m still crying over it” I say “the other day

somebody’s ringtone went off in class and it was the same

noise you set for your alarm and it took me a minute

to figure out where I knew it from” I say “I’m terrified

of someday not knowing where I knew it from” I say

“every poem I write nowadays is about the same thing”

I say “I’d almost give up writing altogether if it meant

we could try again” I say “please” I say “please” I say

“please.”

1. you kissed like curiosity

the soft kind

the kind of kiss you miss

three years down the line

when you realise how cruel people really are

2. i’m sorry for kissing you

when deep down i knew i didn’t want you

i’m sorry for making you believe

it could ever be more than it was

3. you were my best friend

i still can’t decide whether

i’m thankful for it

or if i hate you

for blurring all the lines

4. every single kiss led to something more

i could write a whole book

about you and the way you taste

but frankly

you don’t deserve it

5. you kissed me like you were hungry

i’m so glad i never gave you anything more

6. i’m sorry

but you fitted into the story all too well

i think i just liked being the mysterious girl

more than i actually liked you

7. it shouldn’t have happened

but you took away the pain

i stopped hurting over him

the second your lips touched mine

and for that reason

i wouldn’t change it

even though every ounce of me

should regret it

8. i felt like i was in a movie that night

all the drink

our best friends kissing in the back seats

your hand on my thigh

as you drove us to the beach

the music

the sea

the sand

10. You were nice until you weren’t, it was romantic until it was toxic

11. My first taste of nothingness, now i know how the boys before you felt when they kissed me.

12. At first we were like a movie, then simply a series of pornos, but i’m okay with that, your kisses never made me sad afterwards.

13. You weren’t mine to kiss and i’m sorry, i’m so fucking sorry. The guilt doesn’t stop me reliving it in my head, and i’m sorry for that too.

14. You fucked me up so many times but i let you so i guess that makes it okay.

15. It did mean more than a kiss to me, you did mean more than that, but i’ll never admit it.

16. We kissed on a night i could never relive, given everything that that moon saw, i don’t know if i’d want to.