BELL THINKS ALOUD AGAIN

In 2018 I was diagnosed with several mental disorders and because of that, through no fault but my own, I was living in a cloud of my diagnoses. Receiving my long-awaited diagnoses has helped me unimaginably with explanations of my behaviour, and provided me with routes in order to combat my dark thoughts, as well as accurate coping mechanisms. However, delving into my symptoms has done nothing but exaggerate them, and caused me to make excuses which support my behaviour...which I don’t want. I don’t want to be a textbook example of my diagnoses.

I have regrettably messed up a lot through the past two years. Not just myself, but with both platonic and romantic relationships and those surrounding me. Ideally a regret-free life is something I’d love to be pursuing, but unfortunately and realistically, it’s not something my head is strong enough to maintain. This worldwide lockdown has made me reconsider my choices and my actions more than I’ve ever done before. It’s made me much more conscious of how my behaviours and actions not only affect my own mental wellbeing but other people’s, too.

I am currently being treated for a stomach ulcer that has ultimately formed through stress. In December 2019, I endured an existential crisis which rendered me unfit to work and I’m still focusing on my recovery from the events. Because of this, I no longer feel comfortable discussing publicly my battles and achievements with my mental health. I need to focus on the impacts my mental health has had on my physical health. For the first time in possibly forever, I want to keep to myself and not talk about me anymore. This is not a sob story - I’m just finding more and potentially better ways to control my behaviours, impulses, and coping skills.

For any of my readers, I apologise if this causes any disappointment. I’m trying to work with different coping strategies at the moment, and at this point, I don’t think it’s best for me and my spiritual growth to be talking about myself unwarranted. But before I go, in light of everything that’s going on, please make sure you stay safe, stay healthy, and most importantly stay positive. Keep smiling.

I’m gonna tell you why.

2019 has not been the easiest year, but on the bright side, it’s not been the hardest. Recently I had figured out the pros and the cons of this year; the pros being I landed my dream job, met some awesome friends for life at a festival, and I feel more confident in myself than ever before...the cons being I had my heart broken for the umpteenth time, I was signed off work due to a sudden decline in my mental health, and my darling cat passed after a year of debilitating illness. I guess I was evaluating to conclude whether 2019 was a good year or a bad year, but I’ve realised that I shouldn’t be using the big headlines to come up with a final judgement, because despite the downfalls and the hurt, I am fine.

I am doing well. You could say I’m pretty content with my surroundings, and I’m comfortable with my life’s current direction. I am ending this year (or decade, if we’re being extra dramatic) on a high note because I’ve obtained such strength this year, particularly the past few months, by solely focusing on myself. What I want. What I need. How I feel. How I work.

While living with a collection of mental illnesses that make my senses and emotions skyrocket, everyday is a struggle battle. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve reiterated that point (vaguely) across my blog, but I mean it. That is absolutely not me comparing my battles to others or diminishing feelings. It’s a cry for people to understand, because I don’t want to feel defeated anymore. I don’t want to be isolated. I don’t want to be lying on my deathbed wishing to whatever fucking higher power that I was kind to myself. In the end, feeling low is a waste of time.

I came up with a solution that would stop me from believing I was such an alien. It’s one word but it sure as hell helps me out of some dark spaces. The solution to my cynical thoughts is gratitude. By definition, gratitude is the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. In my methods of practicing gratitude, I do not compare and I do not share. I believe gratitude is a personal reflection and should not be used to boost your ego. If you would like to practice gratitude then I strongly advise not berating something or someone to emphasise something you’re thankful for, be it from personal gain or sabotage.

There are multiple ways to practice gratitude and it is incredibly personal. There’s no right or wrong way to go about it. My method is in the photo attached. On the 1st January 2019, I had begun to write in a blank notebook I had bought the previous day. “GRATITUDE.” Everyday without fail this year, I have written the date accompanied with a short sentence of something that has made me smile, made my day easier, or made my head clearer. Every sentence begins with the three words “I am grateful...”. This once-bland notebook has aided me with a multitude of skills and lessons, including a routine, self reflections, self awareness, and the motivation to take care of my mind, body and soul. It’s taught me that I no longer have to go home, get into bed and cry. I’ll wind down at the end of the day with an incense-fumed, candlelit bubble bath (and we’ll probably throw a little Jeff Buckley in the mix), I’ll moisturise my skin, I’ll dry my hair if needs be, I’ll open my notebook and I’ll write. I give thanks. I no longer feel the need to go to sleep sad.

Practicing gratitude has additionally helped me cope with my mental health when things start to dim. There’s an old Japanese philosophy called wabi-sabi, which centres on the beauty of imperfections and the imperfect-perfectness of the things that surround us. There is an art form in Japan that has been derived using the concept of wabi-sabi, called kintsugi, which translates to “golden joinery”. The artist will take a broken item and restore the cracks with a lacquer that is mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. I have been applying the philosophy to the parts of me that I am not completely settled with. Here’s a handful of examples I’ve created regarding my mental health disorders, and how there’s always a silver crack in the “broken” parts of yourself (which are far from broken).

I am grateful that my ADHD amplifies my imagination and creativity. I am grateful that my BPD makes me empathise better. I am grateful that my ODD gives me confidence to say no. I am grateful that my RSD helps me analyse situations outside the box. I am grateful that my anxiety and depression do not render me alone in today’s world.

Positivity works beautifully if you devote yourself to applying it.

I urge anybody to try practicing gratitude. However you want to be thankful, find your way and inject some serenity into your life. I am incredibly grateful that this new optimistic look on life has guided me swiftly through the bad this year, and I cannot wait to continue in my brightly lit path. Things truly are looking up. Now ask yourself - what are you grateful for?

I’d have to count using over two hands to calculate the amount of people I’ve cut off in the past twelve months. Is it due to my own sanity, my pride, my selfishness, my shame, or my patterns of growth? It’s difficult to identify. Or maybe it’s all of it.

With every person I’ve cut off comes a different circumstance. I refuse to name and shame on my blog however I will go into a vague explanation behind each purge - I have felt violently betrayed. Each and every time. Funnily enough, whether this is coincidental or the universe sending me tests in human forms, the majority of these people have been identified by me in my life as one of my “best friends”. Do I have a problem with keeping people around? Am I too overbearing?

Many people with borderline personality disorder will experience an extreme fear, perhaps phobia-like outlook, of abandonment and rejection. We thrive on your love. We put you on the highest of pedestals. We will take extreme measures to keep you around if we feel the smallest inkling that you might walk out. And believe me, I sure as hell am not proud of that nor am I okay with the fact that I can go to such lengths to claim somebody as something so special when they pay just a crumb of attention to me.

A vast majority of people who live with BPD will have developed the condition from a traumatic event, predominantly during early childhood. However I cannot recall a childhood trauma that would have set off something so superlative in a tiny part of my body that is in control of every thought, action and emotion I have. (Trust me, I am very grateful for that.) I believe my BPD has stemmed widely from the intensity I’ve felt from the rapidly-fluctuating emotions I’ve coped with while living with ADHD, anxiety and depression. (What a mess.)

Back to the point. I’m fittingly and stereotypically floating away from the main topic.

A part of me is frightened that the decision I make to discontinue relationships so suddenly (whether platonic or romantic) is irrational. Don’t get me wrong, I am perfecting the right to emote when I am uncomfortable or unhappy, but on the other hand, it’s how I emote it. Recently I shouted at someone I considered a best friend (ha ha ha, continue) because of something I was uncomfortable with. I have this constant worry in my mind that my expressions are all wrong. Maybe I was out of line. No, I am entitled to be upset. Why didn’t I calm down? But you’re allowed to be frustrated. But

Don’t. Lose. Your. Temper. Nobody listens when you’re angry, I learned that the hard way.

Living with borderline is a continuous road of irrationality, whether that be my thoughts, actions or emotions. It’s a learning curve. Luckily it’s not a learning curve that every person has to experience, but it’s charged my empathy, compassion and respect by a mile, which I guess I could consider a plus. I’d like to think I’m not bad at maintaining relationships. I have friends that have stuck around for over a decade. You know what it is that makes life with BPD easier? It’s those who are willing to have an understanding for irrationality, intense mood swings, fear of abandonment and rejection, and who have genuine care for you as a person despite your disorder. Some people are either blind sighted or outright refuse to understand for their own personal reasons - but remember kids, that is not your problem. If somebody you have a relationship with is trying to understand but isn’t quite there yet, give them time; they care enough to want to understand how you function on a daily basis (and don’t let those people go. Show them love and gratitude). If somebody you have a relationship with is unwilling to understand, that has nothing to do with you. You are worth so much more than those who ignore your beautiful, functioning self.

Me again.

I haven’t been able to put my mind to much extensive writing lately. I’m too busy keeping myself busy and away from my own head. The transition from summer, to autumn, to winter, does my tiny little head in. The nights get darker quicker, and in bittersweet synchronicity, so does my mind. But I’m safe.

I’m safe and I’m still breathing. I’ll be back soon.

Let’s play!

The rules are exactly the same as the original Jenga game (if you’re unaware, please look it up, because quite frankly I can’t be bothered to explain it). The only alteration made is that the blocks are different. All these blocks seem to consist of everything negative in my life and every time I try to get rid of one block, it piles on top. And it keeps going. Building, and building, and building. Eventually the entire tower is going to crumble on me and I’ll lose. Sometimes the blocks can consist of more positive things, but it’s always those around me who pick the happy blocks and pile them on top in the race to win. I’m stuck with pulling out the old blocks of my cat passing, being fucked over and having my heart broken dreadfully twice in the past six months, a potential life-changing (and something I’d rather not discuss publicly) event I may have to endure, my self esteem pummelling, my brain overworking itself into oblivion...

But I picked a positive block! Me? Why me? What does it say?...

I became a professional body piercer.

I’ve become licensed in the profession I’ve dreamed of pursuing for five years. I started working in the studio when I was 17, almost 18, and I’m (quickly) edging 21 now. When I was 17, I cried at a customer calling my tunnels “ugly”, but believe me if you told me that now I’d probably tell you to fuck yourself. I’ve had my heart set on being a professional in the body modification industry for so long that it doesn’t feel real. The one thing that ever held me back from kickstarting my career was in fact my mental health - three years ago I was a shaky, sweaty, anxious mess who couldn’t face the world for what it was even if it meant my life depended on it. After receiving my diagnoses I’ve managed to find ways in identifying my triggers and altering my reactions to something more “people-friendly”, or “mature” if you must (I will hold my hands up and say I can be an absolute child). Though I still have a long way to go in building my confidence, the people I work with have all given me enormous helping hands when I’m feeling low, and for that, I can’t thank them enough. Here’s to achieving one of my lifetime dreams I guess.

What’s this? ANOTHER positive block? Let’s read it.

I could’ve had cancer twice, but I didn’t.

Since 2015 I’ve had two breast cancer scares. The first one more daunting than the last. I found multiple lumps and was admitted to the breast cancer ward in the local hospital for further scans. I remember hearing a long, piercing beeping noise and my vision going blurry as I sat in the waiting room, waiting to find out whether I’d been given an early death sentence. Do I have cancer at 17? No. They were in fact benign cysts and I’ve lived with them for the past four years. Alas, another scare approached me and I recently found out the cysts have all completely - miraculously - gone. I no longer have to worry about being gravely ill at such a young age. I’m healthy and I’m okay.

I’m starting to see the blocks are glowing a little bit and I’m not so afraid to touch them. Sometimes, you have to go into the deepest darkest abyss to find the motivation to get out and rediscover the light. I trust the universe with everything I have. There’s a reason why these things happen, and for that, my life mantra (in case you haven’t heard me say it a billion times already) is this:

There’s always rain before the rainbow.

Open up. It’s good for you.

This post is a little different to the others I’ve written. This one isn’t just about my experiences. In light of May being Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month, and last week being Mental Health Awareness Week, I’ve asked for those around me who live with BPD to contribute to my blog with their own thoughts, feelings and experiences. I would like to say a big thank you to those who felt brave enough to open up to me and so many others about the intimate details of their lives. I hope this post can make others who live with BPD feel a little less alone. 🖤

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ANONYMOUS

Well I'm not sure what you'd like to know. But I've seen the stigma first hand and have cared for my mum who has been totally consumed by BPD due to the death of her first child. When I was growing up and looking after her I wasn't told what was wrong with her. So when the symptoms got stronger and she'd lash out and say things she didn't mean it had a huge effect on me as I didn't understand why she would say things and act like she did. As soon as I learned from her what was actually going on it became way easier to process and forgive her because I knew it wasn't her, it was her illness. Awareness for the people around people with BPD is so important in creating balanced and healthy relationships without resentment, as it was so difficult when I was small and clueless so I feel like there should be way more support for not only the people with BPD, but for the families because the nature of BPD makes it difficult to communicate sometimes unless you can understand it!!

ANONYMOUS

So I got my diagnosis around a year ago after a suicide attempt, I wasn’t really shocked about the diagnosis as I had done so much research due to having friends with BPD also so it was almost a weight off my shoulders being diagnosed. After I got diagnosed me and my ex split up due to him not “being able to handle it” which was sucky but a blessing really as I met better people after him, people who were able to “handle” it. I think one of the worst parts about having BPD is not being able to differ what is my actual personality vs BPD traits, I try to not divide the two and think too much into it but I do always wonder what parts are me and what parts are the illness. Certain things I struggle with a lot are my reactions to things that are considered “normal” one of the biggest things for me is when someone reads my message and doesn’t respond, sometimes I’ll literally consider blocking the person from my life or sending them a whole paragraph as to why they are the worst person on the planet, even I know that’s so intense but I literally cannot help it and it really sucks as it has caused so many fallouts and arguments for me. Another thing is reckless behaviour such as the time I took out 6 credit cards and I’ve maxed them all out and now I’m in a whole load of debt lmao. My reckless behaviour currently is going out most nights a week getting so blackout drunk because I’m trying to just cover up the fact that I’m going through a really bad time mentally, one of my ex’s has really broken me and I know that’s what I’m trying to get through by doing stupid things, it’s annoying that I can recognise why I’m acting like this but I can’t stop it, it’s a repetitive cycle. I do hope one day I can just be content with my life and get off the meds and stop the self destructiveness but right now I’m so numb that self destruct is the only way I feel absolutely anything and that’s just sad. If you have friends/family who seem to have all the traits of a person with borderline personality disorder please be kind to them, don’t call them out for their behaviour because they will be struggling a lot more than you realise, I wish people had been kinder to me and not so judgemental when I did silly things. Borderline personality disorder is such a hard thing to diagnose and it sometimes takes way longer than it should to be diagnosed, I only got my diagnosis because I tried to kill myself and I don’t think that’s right at all it should not be that way.

ANONYMOUS

For me, being diagnosed with BPD was one of the happiest but also scariest moments of my life. I was 21 when i found out and always kind of knew it was more than just anxiety and depression that made me feel the way i did. Knowing what was actually wrong felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders as it really just made me realise that I don’t have full control over my moods and emotions but there are still ways i can manage it and make life easier for myself. I don’t take medication anymore because i always felt like a zombie but honestly it is still difficult when your head moves faster than you can manage. Meditation helps me a lot, it was difficult to get into but even just trying to regulate my breathing and ground myself in times of stress has helped more than i ever thought it would. With BPD i think it’s important to just take things one at a time, i overthink a lot and that doesn’t help with being constantly overwhelmed, but learning to focus on the things i *can* deal with, rather than the “what if’s” is one of the biggest helps for me

BETHAN, 19, LIVERPOOL

I've had diagnosed bpd for like a year now, getting the help I've needed has been near impossible. I spent about a year and a half undiagnosed and having no idea what was wrong with me made my symptoms worse. I always found myself getting into dumb situations due to impullsiveness, ever since my diagnosis I've been able to handle myself a lot better :) I think something people need to realise is that clarity can really help with bpd and even though it's hard in the UK to get help it is out there

DALE, 24, CLACTON-ON-SEA

So I was only diagnosed with bpd this year, until that point I was always given the blanket term of depression and mixed anxiety. [My experiences since diagnosis have been] kinda difficult I guess I got comfortable living with the standard depression diagnosis and so to be diagnosed with BPD kinda of shook my boat so to speak. I mean my mum and dad both suffer from mental health issues my mum being bi polar and my dad having Paranoid Schizophrenia so I didnt come from the best genetic stock in the forms of mental health

EVIE, 20, DURHAM