#oppositional defiant

I had a major conflict with myself on whether to start this blog because half of me wants absolutely nobody to know anything negative about me anymore, but the other half of me wants to push this forward in an attempt to erase the stigma around the issue. Fuck it. I’ll go with the second option because I shouldn’t be afraid, nor ashamed of myself.

My name is Isobel, better known as Bell. I’m 19 years old and I’m unbalanced as hell. I’m very poor at introductions as you can probably tell.

(I just realised that introduction rhymed without even realising. I’m also a fucking wordsmith. Let’s just get on with things - the more you read, the more you’ll learn about me.)

I was never your rude, disruptive, annoying seven-year-old boy in the classroom. I was never your angry, pre-pubescent twelve-year-old boy who busted his knuckles on his bedroom walls, set fire to household objects out of anger and wrote repeated letters to himself about how much he hated himself and wanted to die...except I was all of those, but not at the generic age where symptoms typically begin to show.

June 12th 2018: I was diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and the highest functioning form of combined-subtype ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder). I was 19 when I received the diagnoses which for both disorders is a very late stage in life to be diagnosed with. I was nineteen. Not seven, nor twelve. I am halfway to forty and I have lived my whole life convinced I was just a stroppy kid who couldn’t control herself.

In the past seven years in particular, I’ve wandered a dark corridor of suicidal thoughts, ideation and attempts, self harm, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, addiction, and worst of all; the unknown. What the fuck was wrong with me and why couldn’t I keep my emotions down to a level which is considered normal? Why can’t I calm down? Why can’t I rationalise? Why do I daydream for hours? Why can’t I hear a word you’re saying even though I’m staring right into you? Why am I so impulsive, aggressive, stubborn, hyper, full-frontal, attention-seeking, and totally unbearable?

I’m not.

My mind is, but my heart isn’t.

I have endured years and years of different types of counselling, therapy and psychiatric help, only to find the most amazing psychiatrist who snapped her fingers and said those seven letters. Those seven letters that although I’d never considered could be me, made perfect sense and shaped my past for the first time. Tantrums. Ecstasy. Meltdowns. Hyperactivity. Breakdowns. Happy tears. Sad tears. Blood. Razorblades. Knives. Flames. Burns. Screams. Aspirin. Aspirin. Aspirin. Hospital. Arms. Wrists. Thighs. Stomach. Back. Knuckles. Neck. Head. Heart.

Mind.

Mine.

Peace?

Hopefully.

To quote myself, “half of me wants absolutely nobody to know anything negative about me anymore”. That no longer applies; ADHD is not negative. It’s my superpower. I am bright and intelligent and witty, and although I’ll interrupt you and finish your sentences all the time, and maybe drift off entirely while you tell me about your weekend shenanigans, I am human too. Just a little (very big) bit more high-functioning than you. I didn’t have any coping strategies growing up because I had no idea where to begin behind this anonymous disorder, but I’m entering a new chapter in my life anyway due to the peak of my teenage years, so I will kiss my hellish adolescence on the forehead and say “you’ll do better in your 20s”. Because I will. I know, and I can.

Love Never Gives Up

By Ron Huxley, LMFT

A recent article by Scientific American reviews desperate attempts to change unruly teen behavior around. One of the toughest challenges is to reach an adolescent who is angry, defiant and acting out in destructive ways. Confrontational strategies and harsh punishment, the article explains, has only short-term benefits. No studies prove lasting results from this type of “scared straight” intervention. So what does work? The article ends with this summarization:

“...results show that merely imposing harsh discipline on young offenders or frightening them is unlikely to help them refrain from problematic behavior. Instead teens must learn enduring tools—including better social skills, ways to communicate with parents and peers, and anger management techniques—that help them avoid future aggression. Several effective interventions do just that, including cognitive-behavior therapy, a method intended to change maladaptive thinking patterns and behaviors, and multisystemic therapy, in which parents, schools and communities develop programs to reinforce positive behaviors. Another well-supported method, aimed at improving behavior in at-risk children younger than eight years, is parent-child interaction therapy. Parents are coached by therapists in real time to respond to a child’s behavior in ways that strengthen the parent-child bond and provide incentives for cooperation [see “Behave!” by Ingrid Wickelgren; Scientific American Mind, March/April 2014].”

What can you do to strengthen your bond with your child? How can you reach his or her heart, locked behind a wall of pain and anger? Don’t expect overnight miracles. Turning your defiant teen around will require consistency and continual micro-shifts of change in you and your child. You will probably blow it on days and be exhausted from the effort on others. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Focus on who the child will be and not on who they have been or what they are doing. Consequences are natural and necessary. Boundaries are even more important! Just don’t equate your love with positive behavior. Nothing your child does should make you love him or her any less and nothing can make you love them more. 

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” I Corinthians 13:7 (NLT)

​What are you waiting for?

I mean this in a different manner than you probably heard it. What is it you are waiting for?

There's something, maybe some things, that you have thought about, read about, watched other people doing and envied them. You've considered it, said, "Someday, I'm going to do some of that."

Before you read another meme, watch another youtube, buy another book, it's time to make it real by writing it: "I intend to _________." Fill in the blank in any way your heart desires, write it as many times as you have dreams.

Now. If you're not willing to do a simple action like writing those words, it might just be time to look at resistance and defiance. I teach high school. I see those two things every day, kids who say they want to graduate but defiantly go up against the teacher at every turn, resist doing the simplest tasks.

We all still have some of that kid in us, but ​are they​ helping us to reach our​ intention​s​? We're not resisting a teacher or parent anymore, but ourselves. Unless we want to wake up at the end of our lives and realize: "Oops, Game Over," we have to get a handle on that kid. ​Just something to look at.​

So, back to the game. When you're ready, write: "I intend to _________." Under that, write as many steps or actions, big or teeny as you can think of that might head a person in that direction. ​ That's the start, and is a giant step.​

As my dear sister said recently, "One of my greatest discoveries was the fact that​ EVERY complex job is made of simple cycles, even rocket science. So if you can break it down and confront one simple cycle at a time.... You can do anything​" ​~ Susan Morrison Hawks

What is it you have been waiting for? Take some time this weekend to make it happen. Action, any action, counts.