Shut the fuck up, she said.

I gained 5 fucking pounds and I’m really upset about it!!! I feel as if every part of me has gotten bigger. I had been laxative pill free for almost 4 months but guess what? The shitty person I am, STOLE a box of laxatives to abuse. Haha GREAT IM A GREAT PERSON. I would’ve bought it but I was hiding it from someone as well. Hate myself. So I’m not in recovery and I don’t know if anyone knows except for anyone reading this. Hm. Lovely.
I want to get back to a frail 89 lbs and lower. I can’t believe I was 89 lbs, but honestly I couldn’t eat at all without getting scared about the weight gain then making myself vomit. Today I weighed at 93.6 lbs and it only makes me more determined to lose those 5 lbs. Honestly yes I’m liking my body a little more, but only when I’ve taken a laxative or haven’t eaten all day. So. Yeah. I can’t eat without wanting to vomit. But I was purge free for about a week, but recently relapsed into purging. Yeah couldn’t do it anymore. Although purging felt weird this time around. And I think I like that. I don’t like purging and I would rather just starve and let the anorexia take over because I hate the bulimic in me. Nobody knows how much I am struggling, nobody except my boyfriend knew that I was extremely suicidal over winter recess. I wanted to die, I wanted to never wake up and although the feeling has gone away a bit, it’s coming back again. I feel like the biggest burden and waste of space to everyone around me and I believe I am making their lives worse. Wish I was skinnier wish I had more control. Wish I was beautiful, wish I fit the mold.