~euphemism~

I want to fucking kill myself. Im so tired of being alive. Im so goddamn tired of having ppl say I'm being "hostile" when I'm just expressing how I feel. Sorrryy I raise my voice when I actually care about something instead of staying the same monotone for everything. I need a therapist that UNDERSTANDS me. Who doesn't get offended when I'm upset, who calls me on my shit, who doesn't let me walk out of the office angry n suicidal. That seems pretty basic to me, but apparently its an impossible combination... I can't seem to find any real support.. The hopelessness feeling is overwhelming, so much to the point I want to give up n crawl into a cave n never return... Why is life so stupid????

Saw Jenn today... She cane up behind me n grabbed my sides.. I ofc, freaked out... Hyperventilating, I wasn't very happy.. I don't like being touched without warning, and especially when I'm walking w/ headphones in and not expecting anyone to interact w/ me, let alone grab me. It scared me.. She laughed for a second n then realized I was upset, she apologized n gave me an Aspire tank that she found. We went to clinic n dosed and in the lobby, we were chatting a little bit n this girl Crystal came in. It was 5mins past 1pm so she missed dosing.. Jenn n her got to talking about hanging out n boosting coats from Fred Meyer's, so I just dipped out. Jenn ran after me, was like, what're you doing?? I said I had stuff to do, n she said goodbye reluctantly. But while I was listening to her, I realized, I can't trust her. She's stolen from me, lied. She still hasn't returned everything... And even tho it feels good to have someone think I'm beautiful, I'm uneasy.. I watched her like a hawk last time she was at my house, fearing she'd do it again... This is not positive for me. People places things.... I wanna stay clean.. I can't afford to relapse. And being around her when she's in active use is a trigger. I have to take care of me first, and she doesn't add enough positive to outweigh her negative attributes. I'm growing into this recovery thing... Slowly but surely learning...

Saturday was awesome... I had little to no insecure freak-outs... R texted me basically all day, it was really nice to feel close to him.. Sunday was another story... The questions started worming their way in... Doubts, fears... I don't trust him like I used to... maybe that's a good thing... I don't want to end up in the emergency room again....