Steve living in his alternate timeline means he would get to be there when Tony was growing up
I just realized that when Steve lived his life in his alternate timeline with PeggyâŚ.he probably watched Tony be born, was there for him when he was growing up, was there to help Howard be a present dad. He probably held Tony in his arms as a baby, then a child, then a younger man. This Tony will know him as Uncle Steve, he would have always looked at him the way his own Tony wanted to look at him. With complete confidence and without the fear of rejection. This Tony will catch an unspeakable amount of undecipherable glances from Steve, sad and wistful but relieved, throughout his life. Steve will be part of this Tonyâs young life, this Tony will not get shipped off to boarding school. This Tonyâs parents wonât be murdered. Itâs not to say that Steve can make this Tonyâs life perfect, but he will have done all the damn things in his power to love and support this Tony.
He wouldâve reached out to this Tony, in every way and everyday that he could. He wouldâve rocked baby Tony in his arms, tears in his eyes, thinking about his own Tony. His brave, heroic, forgiving Tony. He would have looked into this babyâs brown eyes and get choked up by the storm of immensely complicated, tangled feelings of love and regret. He would have watched this Tony his entire life, knowing that he will never see his Tony again.
He misses his Tony. Heâll never stop thinking about him. He loved him. He still loves him. Many days the comfort of his life here feels almost like sharp pain, and he has to getoutgetoutgetout of his head. Is this what Tony felt when he settled down with Pepper and had Morgan? A kind of contentment that was, although hard-won, borne of a cureless grief. He still dreams about Tony, waking up with a craving for shwarma, something 1950s America does not have. Sometimes he feels so guilty that he gets to hold Peggy in his arms while Pepper lies awake at night, alone.
He has to remind himself, he is doing all of this to honor Tonyâs memory. After all, this was Tonyâs idea. Tony always wanted Steve to have a life he could actually live. After Tony died, he volunteered to return all the stones, alone.
Everyone else can still have a life here, but not him. Not him.
A reality without Tony is not his. And maybe itâs selfish for him to think this way and makes him a terrible person. Making him unable to come to terms with the most basic human reality. Heâs faced death innumerable times, each time more perilous than the last. But one death he couldnât face was this. He couldnât live when the man who gave him a home no longer inhabits this world. His home was with Tony, and he was Tonyâs peace of mind. He had to be there for Tony, wherever he may be. Throughout the decade in this, post-2012 life, he had come to one, undeniable, inevitable truth about himself - anything he does, anywhere he goes, every point of every alternative timeline, every lifetime that he lives. He always comes back to this. Revolving around Tony like the Earth around the Sun.