Iβm thinking of an Identity Porn AU where Steve came out of the ice, looked at SHIELD for two seconds, then went βnahβ and fucked off to go be Nomad. Heβs still Captain America sometimes, when he needs to be, but most people think heβs a phony, so he sticks to the Nomad costume for most things, including interacting with the Avengers (the only one of whom he can identify is Natasha, and who immediately clocks him because βyouβre built like Cool Ranch, Steve.β).
Of course, because he has rapport with Natasha, he follows her on Twitter, and right now sheβs in a battle with someone whose handle is simply βTheMechanic,β but whose name is βNomadRawMeChallenge.β
βYou really need to learn how to be appropriate on the internet,β Natasha had tweeted.
βWhat I really need is Nomad to raw me until Iβm too dick-stupid to tweet,β TheMechanic had replied.
And, well, Steve is just a man, okay? He thinks itβs funny that TheMechanic has a tweet chain fifty-seven tweets long thatβs just an ode to the deep V of his costume, or the obviously drunken ramblings of how heβd been an equestrian when he was younger so he could absolutely βride Nomad hard enough his eyes fucking cross under that dumb domino mask.β Sometimes Natasha begs him to filter himself and TheMechanic belligerently asks her if she thinks his ass deserves to not be fucked and if she really wanted him to shut up she should prove her strap game.
βWhatβs a strap game?β Steve types into google, and mostly just has more questions, because it looks like TheMechanic wants Natasha to prove sheβs got guns on her.
But again. Steveβs just a man. So one day when heβs feeling a little horny, he recklessly tweets to TheMechanic, βHey,β and then a selfie heβd taken the night before on a rooftop right before heβd taken down some AIM thugs trying to steal from Stark Industries. He doesnβt get an immediate response but thatβs okay. The guy doesnβt have to be online all the time.
Steve is just tucking his phone into his pocket when Iron Man flies into the roomβliterally flies, repulsors leaving scorch marks on the carpet. Steve opens his mouth to scold him.
βNATASHA WE HAVE A CODE RED NOMAD TWEETED ME HELP WHAT DO I SAY,β Iron Man bellows, and Steve nearly swallows his tongue. βOh hi Steve, hope Iβm not interrupting. NATASHA THIS IS IMPORTANT,β he shouts, turning back to her.
Natasha lets out a bark of hysterical laughter. Steve can only surmise that itβs because his mouth is still hanging open and heβs staring at Iron Man like heβs a ghost.
βNatasha this is important I only have one first impression,β Iron Man hisses. βI need to ride that dick. I have been horny since the first night I saw that stupid costume NATASHA HELP ME.β
βIβll just leave you two to work on this,β Steve says hastily.
Itβs only his super hearing that catches Iron Man mournfully asking, βDo you think your hot artist friend would be willing to pity-dick me if Nomad turns me down?β
βOh my god,β Natasha chokes out, voice full of mirth, and Steve hates that this is probably the most fun sheβs had in literal years.
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