Wicked Lovely

My ex truly was a burden, and my life really is so much better without him. Like, I was able to achieve a lifelong goal without him. I've been so much more stable, safe, and calm without him. Even with the world on fire, I'm surviving. I can even save money, which he usually drained. I've got a garden, which he said I could never do without him.

But what I've realized is that he was never right about me. About anything, but especially about me. I'm not helpless. I don't need him to survive (which I knew, but it's extra clear now). I am loveable. Me sharing my day isn't annoying and bitchy to someone who actually cares. Me asking for what I'm owed (rent) isn't nagging, it's just fucking business. And no, the standard for a relationship ISN'T "I'm lucky to have you because you don't hit me or pimp me out". That's less than the bare fucking minimum, asshole.

But also... he *did* need me. He didn't start actively treating me like shit until he had someone new. And even then, he was mad that I kicked him out cuz his new situationship wasn't stable. He knew he had a sweet ride living in a house with someone who he could bully so he didn't have to pay rent. He really did seem to get joy from making me feel bad and ugly. And he probably still has that. But he doesn't have me.

I'm working on undoing the harm he did. I'm working on forgetting his abuse. I'm moving on. Someday, maybe I'll be able to be in a relationship that's healthy with someone kind who is actually attracted to me. Maybe I'll even be able to think that I'm attractive and worth the space I take up. I'm working on not feeling like a burden. I'm making my life into what I want it to be.