Grease Bastard Maximum:

terrorist rights groups take to the streets to protest 'draconian' uk knife laws after brunette woman is arrested for having an unnecessarily sharp fingernail.

skirmishes have once again broken out on the irish border over the correct pronunciation of broad/slender consonants. death toll is reported to be in the thousands.

the ayatollah has issued a fatwa against the weavers of turkey for revealing crucial technical details relating to the production of flying carpets to israel. the navajo nation, pakistan, russia, and ukraine have all officially endorsed the condemnation.

a porcelain fountain commemorating maos wife has been unveiled in beijing, with golden water symbolising prosperity for the nation.

an enormous gold deposit has been discovered in uganda, inside one specific mans bald head. human rights advocates clash over whether the economic benefits to the country would outweigh the ethical concerns. when questioned, the man looked confused, as the reporter we sent spoke only chinese.

those were our top headlines, if you missed them, fuck you. now, over to sarah with todays expected cloud shapes.

thank you jim. we should expect a long crooked witch finger extending across the north of england and parts southern scotland, appearing as