course i've been humbled by the void

i wish my brother from tel'aran'rhiod was here

that's not one of the safe emotions we're pivoting okay every time i see a victoria's secret angel i want to be TAN and think about buying the fake tan for cave critters that's like purple based so it doesn't go orange like the regular stuff does

i'm not getting much of a tan but i did get complimented on my arms today and i still want my brother to be here

it's comforting to know that at least part of the reason i have memory and addiction problems is from my father giving me codeine all the time to keep me quiet as a baby and as a child. everything feels so random and nebulous so it's good when things make sense and can be traced to a cause and feel rooted more firmly in reality.

"you were physiologically conditioned to be soothed by drugs instead of getting your needs met and now every agitated state feels like you need something to help you come down from it" is a troubling thought but much less so than "you're already predisposed to addiction and mental illness like some kind of blood curse and then the right combination of things got your wires crossed and made you more fucked up on top of that genetic destiny"

i have to become perfect so i can drink again

shower

best i felt all day was night getting clean in the dark dancing to music no artifice like everything reveals to me how in love i am with alcohol anything else i touch is in comparison but this closed eyed Unaccountable thinking of Nothing just feeling comes closest to it..........shaking ass grooving total unselfconsciousness no awareness except wet scalding water steam lungs muscles burning moving skin soft feet that don't slip i don't give a fuck about oneness with everything i care about oblivion

it's such doom that this is my inheritance

shower

best i felt all day was night getting clean in the dark dancing to music no artifice like everything reveals to me how in love i am with alcohol anything else i touch is in comparison but this closed eyed Unaccountable thinking of Nothing just feeling comes closest to it..........shaking ass grooving total unselfconsciousness no awareness except wet scalding water steam lungs muscles burning moving skin soft feet that don't slip i don't give a fuck about oneness with everything i care about oblivion

Cruising is about making friends. Its about friendship

we all feel the curtain about to fall on the first act right

It fell

Every declaration of love is urgent because we are going to die