howellingforeggos

“A Thread of Tips” by Shelby

• #16 is missing but to find out more tips, follow her on twitter; be sure to thank her! 😁

tyler:

They’re more comfortable, still form fitting, and best of all: THE POCKETS. THEY HAVE ACTUAL POCKETS.

don’t believe me? look:

these are boys pants, and they look just as good on me as any other skinny jeans I own

See that phone? I’m going to put it in the pocket. Must be so small right??

Ah yes, girl pants length. Probably can’t fit any further than that-

what? what’s this?

Good god. Oh good lord in heaven. This is blasphemous.

Look at how much room is still there. There’s chaos in the streets. Babies are crying. Fashion designers are screaming out of fear of the unknown.

Tall ladies: men’s pants are easier to find in longer lengths than women’s pants are.

Trans ladies: Wanna get on this gravy train, but afraid people will misgender you for wearing clothes off the men’s racks? Step one: tell me who these people are and I will punch them in the face. Step two: if it doesn’t make you dysphoric, please don’t feel obligated to wear pants off the women’s racks if pants off the men’s racks are more comfy/useful to you. I’m a cis woman who’s been wearing pants from the boys’ section and, later, the men’s section, ever since I hit puberty and in thirteen years maybe, maybe half a dozen people have noticed. And it’s always women asking the oh-my-god-pockets question. You’re all good. <3

Fat ladies: you will pay the same for a pair of 42x32 jeans as for a pair of 34x32 jeans, instead of having to pay some kind of Fat Penance Tax by way of being in the “plus size” section. Also, did I mention more room in the butt?

Ladies concerned about modesty: For obvious reasons, there is more crotch space in men’s pants. Embrace it and enjoy a life free from cameltoe worries and spontaneous labia-wedgies when you squat down.

All ladies: I swear to god the waists in women’s pants these days are made specifically to fit exactly nobody so that no matter what you do, your underwear will show. Men’s pants do not do this. The waists sit where they’re supposed to and will actually lay flat against the small of your back instead of flopping open to show your unmentionables to the world. If you want hiphugger jeans, buy one leg-length too small and one waist-size too large and let them hang, and they still won’t accidentally show your undies. Men’s pants will last longer. They cost less, in a lot of cases. Embrace the men’s jeans. Buy the men’s jeans. Stop buying shitty flimsy women’s jeans that wear out in six months.

And I said yeah, I’d seen it, I’ve been through the Trying To Fit Clothes On My Stupid Body wars, and this post really only applied to skinny jeans because they’re so stretchy. It couldn’t possibly work for regular jeans! I have TRIED SO MANY TIMES. I’ve always shopped in the men’s department because women’s clothes are like 90% bullshit and 10% fake pockets.

But I hadn’t seen the second addition, which gave me more hope, and I decided to just try on a few pairs when I was at Old Navy the other day. They have some “classic” jeans with no give to them at all, which is what I was trying on years ago that convinced me it just wasn’t possible. (Jeans in my price range didn’t really come with any form of stretch back then, as I recall. Textile technology is bad-ass.) But these days they mostly have “flex” jeans that have some give to them. (Women’s jeans are usually labeled “stretch” but apparently men’s have to be “flex” like they need stretchy garments so their HUGE MUSCLES don’t just TEAR THEIR CLOTHES!)

This was totally an impulse decision so I couldn’t measure myself, but I grabbed a few sizes based on what I vaguely thought my measurements probably were and decided it couldn’t possibly be worse than the endless cycle of regret, dissatisfaction, and recrimination that is trying on women’s clothing.

The first pair I tried on fit like a DREAM. I’ve been gaining weight lately which is a whole separate nightmare (mainly centered around “but I don’t WANT to buy new bras, this is bullshit!”) and the reason I need to buy new jeans because nothing freaking fits me, and I was sure these wouldn’t either, but DAMN. They’re the best pair of jeans I own. Twice as thick, pockets twice as big, legs nice and loose (they don’t even sell women’s jeans with a cut remotely similar to this), and contrary to my super dumb opinion from before this experience, they’ve got my plenty of room for all my womanly curvey bits. AND because they’re actually a relaxed fit instead of trying to cling to every inch of me, they don’t show my weight nearly as much as my women’s jeans do, they’re easier to move in, they’re not constantly inching down my hips with every move I make, and overall they just make me feel GOOD about how I look which is a strange new sensation I could definitely get used to.

Athletic cut jeans have more room in the butt. I repeat. Athletic cut jeans have more room in the butt. You don’t need to go to the dress pants to fit your lovely curvy self in there. Go to the regular section or big and tall if you’re a bit taller and/or wider, and there’ll be a little section of athletic style jeans. They’ve still got the giant blessed pockets and the room in the crotch and if you’re really curvy with a large bone structure like I am you can get yourself some quality pants.

‘HOT SEXY PHANTASTIC ACTION’

Will: Lucas thinks you’re mad at him because he’s running for Snow Ball Ling

Mike: Oh my God, I’m not mad at him, I’m worried about hum. I think somebody nominated him as a joke or something, I mean nobody votes for him, he’s gunna have a total meltdown, and who’s gunna have to take care of him? Me.

Will: So, you don’t think anyone will vote for him?

Mike: Will, he’s not hot, I mean, that sounds bad but whatever. The Snow Ball King is always hot. And the crazy thing is that it should be Dustin, but people forget about him because he’s such a slut. Anyway, I gotta go I’m going to bed

-MIKE HANGS UP ON WILL-

Will: Well, he’s not mad at you

Lucas: Hold on!

Will: Are you okay?

Lucas: Shhhh

-LUCAS CALLS DUSTIN-

Dustin: Hello?

Lucas: If someone said something bad about you, you’d want me to tell you, right?

Dustin: No.

Lucas: What if it was someone you thought was your friend?

Dustin: What are you...? Hold on, other line.

Lucas: I’m not taking this anymore

Will: Good for you Lucas!

-DUSTIN ANSWERS MIKE-

Dustin: Hello?

Mike: Let’s go out

Dustin: Okay. Hold on, I’m on the other line with Lucas

Mike: Dont invite Lucas, he’s driving me nuts

Dustin: Hold on

Mike: Ok, hurry up

-DUSTIN SWITCHES BACK TO LUCAS-

Dustin: It’s Mike, he wants to hang out tonight but he told me not to tell you

Lucas: Do not hang out with him

Dustin: Why!

Lucas: You don’t want me to tell you

Dustin: Ugh, you can tell me, hold on...

Dustin: Oh my God he’s so annoying

Lucas: Who is?

Dustin: Who’s this?

Lucas: Lucas

Dustin: Right, hoLd on

-DUSTIN SWITCHES BACK TO MIKE-

Dustin: Oh my God, he’s so annoying

Mike: I know, just get rid of him

-DUSTIN SWITCHES OVER TO LUCAS-

Dustin: Okay, what is it?

Lucas: Mike says that everyone hates you because you’re a slut

Dustin: He said that?

Lucas: You didn’t hear it from me

Will: Little harsh Luc

Lucas: Ugh, whatever, he has a right to know

-DUSTIN SWITCHES TO MIKE-

Dustin: I can’t go out *cough cough* I’m sick

Mike: Boo you whore

-HANGS UP-

Dustin: *Pikachu shocked fave*

-ELEVEN WATCHING FROM BEHIND THE BLINDFOLD-

Max: What? What!?