hotgirldummer

… hey so, what had happened was…

TS.

MFer dropped back into my life completely outta the blue and completely fucked shit up. But in a good way..?

Sex? Amazing. Memories? Unforgettable. TIME? (8 years but also only)>2 MONTHS?!? ~okay~

And that makes three. Three men in under a year who have told me they can’t see a future with me.

OKAY it sounds crazy when you put it like that..

1. JD pussy-footed around the conversation for six months before I pulled it outta him. Was i trying to make something happen inorganically? Yes. Was I self aware of that for over six months? Also yes. But I didn’t give a shit. I was semi-happy, and that was more than I had had in a VERY long time. But one day of sadness and I was over it. That says a lot, right? (03/24-06/25)

2. SR was a mistake from the beginning and I knew that. Don’t shit where you eat and I did. But he started it. I told him to make his intentions clear, and through his actions, he did. When I asked him to say it though, he deflected. That told me everything I needed to know right there. But did I listen? FUCK no. (‘: Then she got in his ear and made shit weird (that’s whole other story *haha*). So that fizzled pretty quick. (11/25-02/26)

3. TS. His chance was a long time coming (2016) so when we reconnected it felt like fate. He even told me “I feel such a strong sense of destiny with you” but he was all talk. He was the one who asked me to be his girlfriend, I was the one who asked for more time. We have a two months of amazing memories together after that conversation, but during Indy we hardly talked. When I asked him about it, I’m told I’m too negative and not good for him and he can’t see a future with me? I get LECTURED?! Okay.. bye! (04/26-06/26)

In the famous words of Miley Cyrus..

“I can love me better than you can”

I had a full on break last night. Started crying and once the flood gates opened I couldn’t close them.

I guess I’m pretty bad at this whole ‘blogging’ thing, huh? lol

My routine got back on track, just to get fucked again; rinse and repeat…

So much has happened in my personal life:

1.) Started my Glow-Up. Twenty-nine is right around the corner and then starts my 30th year. I wanna have my shit together before my age starts with a three, not after.

2.) Started hooking up with a guy from work (I know, I know! “Don’t shit where you eat” yeah, yeah). That’s a whole separate post on its own *eye-roll*.

Okay, so written out on paper, it’s not much. But it feels like a lot, that’s what matters, right? Idk

The mental load has really increased lately. I wanna say “I don’t know why” but I do. And it’s all because of me. I do this all the time. I create my own problems, my own ‘mental load’ and look around like “do y’all see this shit?” Like I didn’t just create the whole damn mess. Didn’t T-Swift say some shit like “Hi, it’s me. I’m the problem it’s me”? Facts. Big facts. Right here. Hi! ME.

The routine broke.

This is why I smoke weed. I swear it unlocks a certain logic in my brain that sober me can’t see.

Routine. That’s the key. I love having a routine in life. During the week I wake up at the same time, do the exact same thing every morning, have the same commute, drink the same coffee, and have the days of the week planned out at work. After work, take the same route to the gym, do the same workout every time, take the same route home, have the same routine until bed, wake up and do it all over again. Real Talk, I love it. I always imagined put-together Grown Ups lived their lives that way. I thought this is the way successful and happy people live their lives. They have a routine, they try to live healthy, it becomes habit.

(I digress, back to the point)

That’s why weekends are hard. That’s why I tend to do the necessities and nothing else.. I have no routine for the weekend. So I just do nothing. I need to build a routine that works for me on the weekend. The Weekday Routine fell into place naturally. Weekends used to be free time and we used to fill that up with people. Now, it’s just me..

I don’t get it. All throughout the week I’ve been looking forward to today, to being productive. I stuck to my sleep schedule so I woke up early, made my coffee and took the pill that fixed me. Instead of jump starting on my to-do list for the day, like I had planned, I fell back into my old habits. The ones I learned from him. Why do I still do that? At a point it hit me, “what do you want to do today? You can do whatever you want.” But that’s part of the problem isn’t it? I can do whatever I want. That is too many options. So what do I do? I freeze. I just sit there in the silence.

Why am I like this? I don’t want to be this way. Am I different? All my coworkers talk about going to farmers markets or museums or downtown on the weekends. But for me it’s a battle to leave the house. I don’t understand. Growing up, all I wanted to do was get out of that town, move to a big city, start my life. Well, I’m here! Where I am is probably the best place to do that. I’ve been here 10 years and never really experienced my city. Beaches, things to do, people to meet, a whole life to live. But instead, I go to work, go to the gym, go home. My only friend is half a country away from me, so my social life is non-existent outside of my coworkers, but I wouldn’t exactly call them friends. They don’t know the ‘deep’.

Yesterday, I had a very positive experience. A little old lady came up to me at the gym and asked me to show her the proper form for freestyle. I had seen her watching me as I was doing my workout, but that happens a lot at that pool. Not many people that swim there workout the way I do. I felt honored that she came to me for advice. I showed her the stroke, answered all her questions, and she even asked me if I’d be interested in giving her lessons! We exchanged numbers and it got me thinking. I looked into getting my certification to become a swim instructor as like a part time job thing. It seems totally doable! I should be excited about this, a way to take my favorite hobby (one of the only ones at the moment, but we’re working on it) and put it to a use that could benefit someone else outside of myself. This is what good people do, right?