The Truth About Forever

I would like to share two of my earliest memories. One was when I was a baby and I would walk down the hospital hallway with my social worker. I would walk with my IV pole. It’s a short memory but I was happy.

Let me tell you a little bit about how my trauma has stayed with me after all these years. After my remission I would have to frequently see the doctor to check on the health of my remaining eye. I dreaded every appointment I ever went to as a little girl. On the drive I would get butterflies in my stomach, silently cry, and beg not to go the entire way there. The most heartbreaking part for me now as I look back would be when I would be taken back to the room and I would be held down by multiple nurses to place the drops in my eye. I would scream out in terror the entire time fighting off the nurses trying to keep me still. The drops would burn me and I couldn’t understand why this had to happen to me. My mom would try to talk to me in attempt to calm me but it never worked. At a young age I felt betrayed by not only the doctors/ nurses that were supposed to help me but also my family for letting it happen to me. For the longest time I associated ALL doctors with fear and pain. I didn’t understand…

As an adult I can’t stand having anyone touch my shoulders. I start to have panic attacks and I feel that little girl inside myself again. I also have a hair phobia which is weird but I guess it makes sense after speaking with a therapist. I don’t like the feel of loose hair, wet hair, or anything having to do with hair that isn’t attached to my head. I know, it’s weird but I lost my hair very young with my chemo treatment and the experience is deeply rooted in me. I can’t even clean out my own hair brush without being triggered. Luckily I have loved one’s that are willing to do that for me.

So I guess my point to this entry is to express how I hate when people say “They’re children they won’t remember.” There are things that stay with us forever and that’s fine we learn and we grow. For me I have physical and emotional scars from surviving my childhood cancer. A lot of things weren’t addressed growing up like my mental health. I believe that I was experiencing depression at an extremely young age and it was never treated until my early twenties. I was always told what my cancer was, my treatments, my disability but it was never actually explained to me. I would repeat it back like a parrot my whole childhood but I didn’t know what it actually meant. I didn’t know that I was different until kindergarten when I was bullied for my slight facial deformity. It was devastating.

Growing up I would constantly get sick and my doctor’s would treat my symptoms but never found the root of the problem. My early twenties brought up a lot of changes for me and it was extremely overwhelming. i was diagnosed wirh type II diabetes, hypothyroidism, GAD, bipolar djsorder II, and chronic migraines.

As a child I was borderline diabetic but was able to get better and get it under control for years. My hypothyroidism was found when i felt nodules on my thyroids. GAD and my bipolar diagnosis was discovered when my primary said i was depressed and prescribed me zoloft unsupervised for over a year. i was getting worse and went to see a psychiatrist after desperation. Later on that year I attempted suicide by running to oncoming traffic. Fortunately for me my coworker was able to catch me and dragged me to his car for safety. That night I was numb and my family djdnt even notice; I never told them. Months later i had an episode before driving back to college that landed me in the psych ward. That was the lowest point of my life and I vowed I would never go back.

My migraines story isnt as dramatic but it was an issue I was dealing with my entire life. My pediatrician said they were just headaches because of my thick long hair. i would have sensitivity to light, sounds, and smells. I would always vomit for hours and I would always feel weak afterwords. As an adult the severity of those symptoms increased and would last days. Now when I get them I usually need to be hospitalized for the pain cocktail, nausea medicine, and fluids because of dehydration. i see a neurologist now and can only take medication for it through a nasal spray and dissolvable tablet.