❁

started LDN and hoping it may have some subtle impact on inflammation pain. we will see.

burnt out & traversing through processing the last few months. wild to think one of the first things i thought after moving was "oh i can cry here and no one will catch me and be mad".

doozy wobbly days. emotions i am still unsure why *i* am having and not observing from afar in other parts. well, i know why. but i am unsure because it feels like my body and mind are less mine than they already were. it was easier to feel gentleness towards the parts who were hurting. now it's in me i just... it's complex.

they're not fusions, but they do feel like blobs of parts coming together, merging, going back out again, sometimes leaving bits behind in each other, sometimes separating entirely again.

none of it is a choice and i am glad i knew that was a possibility because most of what i see is "you can choose integration over fusion" in the functional multiplicity spaces.

the parts coming to exist was never intentional, even later on. it seems how they interact and morph and retract right now is also not a conscious process.

i am so tired. i sent T an email about what i need from the therapy space after a check-in hurt so, so badly i subluxed my jaw crying so hard when it ended. and i know she meant well. but it made things worse. and there are times where that approach is tolerable or even stretches towards growth and new understandings or perspectives.

active suicidality and continued self harm is... not the time.

i dont know if she'll respond prior to our session later in the week. i said she could read it in the session if it's easier, and i meant that.

i am just anxious regardless.