Thoughts, Wonders, & Small Insanities

[Alien] But didn’t you?

[Human] No. I was one of the ones that wasn’t allowed to dream at at all.

[Alien] Not even about the stars?

[Alien] But you were so brave on the latest mission? I have never seen a Greater Corvex taken down with greater efficiency!

[Human] I can kill monsters, Akel’il, but not space. Not the vast swaths of star systems and the space between them.

[Alek’il] I suppose even the strongest of us have something to fear.

[Human] I have to. I will be humbled for my hubris otherwise.

[Alek’il] But why the universe? Why not death?

[Human] Death is a gift. A farewell that we earn by living well. The universe can curse you with the appearance of immortality.

[Alek’il] I think you have earned it.

[Human] Ah, but I’m selfish. I cannot die until I know they will always be well.

[Alek’il] Bells...

[Bell] But I suppose that means I am destined to die dissatisfied, eh?

[Alek’il] Only the stars can tell.

[Human] She’s uh— she’s— passed.

[Alien] Passed?

[Human] She’s fades to stardust, is what I mean.

[Alien] Oh. ...How?

[Human] Heartbreak.

[Alien] But isn’t that just negative emotions? How could that kill her?

[Human] For a lot of humans, emotions are a core part of us. We feel deeply. So deeply, sometimes, that they imprint on our souls. Most often of which being love.

[Alien] But how can heartbreak return someone to the stars?

[Human] That’s the thing. When we fall in love hard enough, the loss of that love is like losing a vital organ. You can’t live without it. And when it’s heartbreak? At its worst, our mind is so filled with negative emotions that our body can’t handle it. Our physical heartstrings snap from the stress.

[Alien] And humans can’t live without their hearts.

[Human] No. We can’t.

[Alien] Do you... do you think she’ll find love where she is now?

[Human] She will. She has to.

[Alien] To her happiness then.

[Alien] yoUR WHAT DETACHES?!

[Human] My ribs! Er— well some of them! They’re called floating ribs. Hurts when they do though.

[Alien] And this is normal?!?! To?!?! You?!?!

[Human] Yeah, pretty much

Now, cargo transport ships are usually manufactured to be quite large in the chance that giant shipments might need to be moved. But most of the time, that is not the case. Thus, the cargo bay of 1 mile was largely empty, with only a few Terran animals in cages placed in one corner of the hull. It was technically night, so the day crew (including the Terrans on staff) were asleep in their rooms. The night staff consisted of a few nocturnal crewmembers. Most of which, of course, assumed that there would be no issues in the cargo bay. So it wasn’t checked. At all. Just left. The animals all had appropriate water and food, so it was thought to be fine.

Except it wasn’t. It wasn’t fine. Stabby was still running amok, none of the crew able to remove the knives even after weeks of chasing the damnable cleaning drone. What’s more, the Terrans has underestimated the ingenuity of the canine specimens. As well as one of the canines’ stubbornness. As such, one of the Terran ‘dogs’ escaped from its carrier. It quickly left a pile of excrements in the middle of the cargo bay floor before returning to its cage like nothing happened.

And then, from the darkness, a blinking blue light appeared. Like the the manifestation of War itself, Stabby the roomba entered the cargo bay like an avenging creature of darkness. Usually that wasn’t a problem. Stabby was a cleaning drone after all. Except tonight was a different story. Under the cover of night Stabby drove over the pile of excrements and proceeded to travel all across the mile long room, back and forth. Multiple times. The roomba was gone by the time ‘dawn’ approached.

The light of the day crew illuminated the cargo bay, revealing streaks of brown streatching dozens of feet. From end to end the cargo bay was absolutely slathered in excrement. It was almost as if not a single white floor panel was left. As far as the eye could see, there was only rancid, almost paint strokes of feces. The Terrans looked like they were almost in tears.

“I knew that I should’ve kept Daisy in my quarters last night—but I didn’t want to separate her from Jack. This cargo bay is an entire mile long!” One of the gathered Terrans whispered painfully, sniffling in between phrases. The other crew members looked at them in pity. They all remembered what the Captain said.

“Terran animals, Terran responsibility. That means any messes made, you will be cleaning it up.” The harsh words echoed silently between the day staff. Human Terence already had quiet tears dripping down his cheeks.

Alverek swallowed and said, “I’ll get the cleaning supplies.” Human Claire let out a large sob. Cleaning sucked. Cleaning up smeared excrement? That was just cruel. And they all knew it. Alverek shuddered As he spotted Stabby creeping away down the entrance hall, light trails of brown appearing behind it. He didn’t want to be the one to tell the Terrans. He looked away determinedly.

[Host] And the next round of questions will be on Terrans and their home planet. Clyo’nil, are you ready?

[Contestant] *almost completely confident after completing their major in Terran-Intergalactic Communications* Yes! *they say confidently, unknowing of his inevitable failure*

[Host] Alright then Clyo’nil, here’s the first question. “When Terrans were first exploring the poles of their planet, what did they use for preliminary scouts?” Is it Ach - drones, Oh - Terrans , Ri - Alien explorers, or Deh - a sentient Terran sub-species?

[Contestant] *didn’t take this class in college but assumes that Terrans usually uses common sense* I pick Ach - drones! *they suddenly feel their sins climbing up their back*

[Host] Ouch! Wrong on that one Clyo’nil! The correct answer is actually Oh - Terrans. Not the smartest choice in most Terrans would admit in hindsight, but you can’t change history! Now, on to the next question! Hopefully you’ll do better this time.

[Contestant] *realizes that common sense isn’t going to help them and has the awful feeling that their screwed* I’m rEady.

[Host] Second question Clyo’nil! “Which of the listed Terran events or sports do the most Terrans die from?” Is it Ach - Skydiving, Oh - Rodeos, Ri - Javelin Throwing, or Deh - Competitive Surfing?

[Contestant] *considering how little they know of Terran leisure activities, weakly says* Ri? Javelin Throwing? *thinks, “Javelins are actual weapons, right?”

[Host] Sorry Clyo’nil, that is again, incorrect. The actual answer is Deh - Competitive Surfing! The real challenges are in the dangerous geography!

[Contestant] *silently considers ever Terran they’ve ever met, and wonder if they knew how insipidly stupid their species is* oh.

[Host] Alright then Clyo’nil, last question. “What is the name of the intergalactic ship legend about cleaning drones, Terran googley eyes, knives, and solar tape?” Is it Ach - Pointy, Oh - Edgy, Ri - Stabby, or Deh - Sharpie?

[Contestant] *finally chucks common sense out of the window whilst thinking back to the day they first went on a transport ship with humans in the crew and answers in a deadened voice* It’s Ri - Stabby.

[Host] Wow! Would you look at that— you got that one correct Clyo’nil! Now as you’ve only missed two questions out of all of them, here is your prize!

*Stabby 2.0 rolls out holding an envelope taped to its knife while two worried looking Terrans walk slowly behind it*

[Contestant] *screeches, grabs the money, bolts* Thanks, bye!

*The male Terran looks at the Host with a stressed expression*

[Male Terran] Captain, I told you that we wouldn’t be able to get rid of him this way. He’s too powerful.

*aliens kidnap me, have me strapped to a chair with a projector-thingy and screen in front of me*

[Alien Boss-man] We have captured you to learn more of how your human species works, and your weaknesses to take over your weak miserable planet. Please do not resist.

[Me] Bold of you to assume I know anything about my species.

[Alien Lackey] Quiet, human! We will now show you a series of pictures of your world’s history that we have procured from what you humans call the ‘internet.’ Be prepared to answer all of our questions!

[Me] *internally* 🎵mmmmm watchya saaaaaay🎵

[Me] K.

*Projector-thingy turns on and a picture of sky diving appears*

[Alien Boss-man] You. Why do you humans throw yourselves off of great and lethal heights?

[Me] Cause it’s fun. We like the adrenaline rush. We feel invincible.

[Alien Boss-man] And no one has died from this?

[Me] Oh yeah definitely

[Alien Lackey] And your species continue to condone this self destructive behaviour?!

[Me] Well most people survive, so ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ

[Alien Boss-man] Is that all you know? Are you lying?

[Me] You’re not worth the effort of coming up with a believable lie. Have anything else to ask me?

*slide switches to mountain climbing**Aliens grow increasingly concerned*

[Alien Boss-man] Our scanners have detected a large decrease in the oxygen element that you humans need to breathe at these high elevations. Why do you humans climb these mountains? Your bodies can not handle it.

[Me] Well you see sir, it’s as simple as this: bragging rights.

[Alien Lackey] Bragging rights?

[Me] *nods as much as I can with my restraints* Yup. Buncha people die for the big ol’ ego.

[Alien Boss-man] You humans are quite stupid.

[Me] Yup. Common sense isn’t all that common, y’know?

[Alien Lackey] *grumbles under breath & switches slide to a picture of the Great Emu War*

[Alien Boss-man] What is that animal?

[Me, actually excited] It’s an emu! A mammal that has largely no use at all!

[Alien Lackey] Why are your dopamine levels suddenly spiking?

[Me] Because humans went to war with them! *whispers excitedly* and lost.

[Alien Bossman & Lackey] Wat.

[Me] Well the photo you showed me is one of the Great Emu War, which the Australians who waged it against the rising emu populations lost. Earth animals are great! Do you have any animals on your planet?

*aliens kick me off the space ship with Star Wars death sound and leave*

Ales’kneli glanced around the ship’s communal area. Their teammates were scattered across it, completing different tasks. Or in Human Greg’s case, sleeping on the klaxeon cores again. They chuckled to themselves, shaking their heads gently. One day those crystals would zap him through their glass casings. For the nth-time. The Agralthian grinned devilishly to themselves. They shifted, standing and heading towards the control deck. It was time to head off, especially with the kind of cargo they were carrying.

They sat down in the pilots chair, activating the thrusters and shields. If they heard Human Greg’s high pitched yelp as he fell from the sudden movement, no one needed to know of their amusement. Agralthians were so serious, after all. They swiped their fingers across the hologram, starting the klaxeon fusion in the hyperchambers for a hyperjump. They heard loud cursing as their crew began running for the deck. Ales’kneli activated the hyper jump sequences.

[Mechanical Alien Medic] *places earfin close to chest* What is this thumping sound? Has something broken inside you?

[Human] *eyes revealing their eternal internal suffering* Other than my will to live? No.

[Mechanical Alien Medic] *stares in confusion* Then why???

[Human Soldier] *shrugs* It’s the sound my heart makes when it pumps blood. A heartbeat. You’ve already seen it, doc.

[Mechanical Alien Medic] *expression turns deadpan* Scans do not reveal audio, Lieutenant.

[Human Soldier] No but they do show everything wrong with my body

[Mechanical Alien Medic] *scans the human frantically* *finds nothing wrong* What?? is wrong??? exactly????

[Human Soldier] My existence

[Mechanical Alien Medic] Lieutenant no

————

Human Soldier| Me

Human: So those are some of the tamer sports.

Alien Friendo: Shooting each other with spheres filled with paint and brawling all over the floor is what you call tame?

Human: Well some people like to throw themselves off cliffs to glide or jump from airplanes to go skydiving.

Alien Friendo: wHAT—

Human: Oh! And some people like to race to the top of Mt. Everest and other similarly tall mountains to see who can do it faster

Alien Friendo: AND NO ONE HAS DIED FROM THIS?!?!

Human: I don’t actually know. I never looked it up. *shrugs* But jousting’s another sport people like and I know people have definitely died from that

Alien friendo: Let me guess, you sTILL DO IT. DON’T YOU.

Human: Well, yeah of course we do. It’s fun.

Alien friendo: So you don’t have a singular currency, but instead multiple different kinds?

Human: Uh, yeah? Different cultures come with different money systems I guess. The different societies didn’t really come into contact with each other until the 1800s

Alien friendo: But why not have a single one afterwards? Isn’t the conversion process tiring?

Human: Oh absolutely but many countries like to hold onto their history by keeping their money the same.

Alien friendo: But why? It’s not efficient. At all.

Human: *shrugs* It is the way it is because it is. I’ve got nothing.

[From the journals of Hav’el Crocker, mate of RPD Investigator John Crocker]

My cevan, my John, has shown me the positive sides of humanity. But as I learned, humanity was prone to the negative traits of every sentient specie. Just yesterday he was called in on what he told me was an abuse case. He explained to me that sometimes the creators of a child could hurt them, convince themselves that the child deserved it. Convince the child that they deserved it. I have never been more horrified. Back on Hakelo I had heard stories, but the events were never close enough to affect me.

Today my cevan brought a small male child home with him. I could instantly glean from the torn clothes, visible rib cage and pale pallour of his skin, that the child had not been taken care of. From the privacy of the kitchen John informed me that the child’s name was Kyle Forest, and was the abuse case he had been called in for yesterday. At first I was confused as to why he would bring Kyle home, but then a thought struck me.

Perhaps we were to care for the child. Foster parents, maybe even adoptive parents. I had read of several situations like that during my studies on human culture. I proposed this to my cevan and a grin appeared on his face. He confirmed my thoughts; we were to care for child until he was grown enough to stand on his own two feet. I tartly informed My John that we would care for him even after then. I took his chuckled amusement in stride.

Currently Kyle rests in the room parallel to ours. The child was aprehensive at first, and of that I understand. Even now he remains hesitant to accept My cevan’s and I’s affections. Though I hope we will be able to prove to him that we will not abandon or abuse him like his biological creators. I dearly hope.

“You’re species must often visit bouts of stupidity. The espionage opportunities with that skin tone are numerous.”

“I suppose that just means they’ll die from freezing far faster than you ever will. Chin up? Human Kelly.”

“There is a difference between fat and a healthy thickness. From my studies in human biology you are a perfectly healthy weight for your height and and age.”

“Clearly such a phenomenon must be treasured Human Jack! Your skin is like a scattering of gemstones!”

“You are nearly the height of the Great Paxleo! Surely you have also already accomplished many feats of strength.”

“You are SO lucky Human Freya. Our other female human compatriots seem to be having trouble with these excercises.”

“Please don’t be embarrassed Human Max. These ‘freckles’ of yours are absolutely ‘adorable.’ It’s like your cheeks and nose were dusted with obsidian dust.”

“You have many fierce scars Human Dane! You must have fought some very important battles. And won! Since you are here, after all.”

“‘Stretch marks?’ I thought you must have had some Fedsiel in your bloodline! They look very much like the Fedsiel clan markings, and just as pretty!”

“You’re height is perfect! I cannot reach those delicate wires no matter how much I try. Would you please be so kind to help me out Human Lily!”

We had been trapped in the ancient mineshaft for five minutes. The enemy had found us, planning an ambush and blowing up the entrance. There was only one exit; right in the centre of the enemy’s camp. They had us cornered. My fellow Gevosl’k fell into a near despair. I would have too, if not for our comrades. Two humans who had at first been stowaways. After the Captain let them earn their keep, they had become invaluable members of the crew. But at that moment, as my mentor Human Jacquelyn would say, I wanted to “bitch slap those motherfluffers into the floor.” Because just as we heard the enemy marching towards us those two hooligans began to FUCKING SING.

‘Well here we are again,” Human George began, his twin not far behind, “It’s been such a pleasure,’ Fred continued. I recognized the song from the almost incessant amount of times the pair had played it around the ship. The footsteps had stopped, and than the duo had the gall to GIGGLE. THEY GIGGLED, LIKE WE WEREN’T ABOUT TO BE MURDERED. We waited, but the enemy never came. Hours later we finally found the courage to venture out of the mineshaft. There was no one in the camp.