writer of worlds

You couldn’t sleep again.

When you got out of bed, eyes stinging, neck aching, you sighed to yourself. You hadn’t been able to get any sleep for the last few weeks. Nights spent staring into your phone until 3AM, watching the sun rise and dragging yourself out of bed every day were starting to wear you down. You were sluggish, shoulders drooping, dark circles beneath your eyes.

The sounds of the night kept you company. 

You padded quietly down the hallway, doing your best not to wake Loki. You didn’t want to worry him. Part of you knew that you should tell him. He could probably help you, you thought. But something in you tightened at the thought of inconveniencing him. He had a difficult enough time sleeping as it is, without you waking him in the dead of night. You didn’t want to become a burden more than you already were.

Night time was when anxiety plagued you the worst. Its spindly tendrils wrapped themselves around your chest, squeezing every time you dared to close your eyes. What if someone broke in, and you couldn’t stop them? What if they hurt you? What if they hurt him?

Every ache and pain in your body scared you. Sometimes it felt like you were afraid of yourself. You couldn’t let yourself sleep out of fear that you just…wouldn’t wake up. You couldn’t sleep beside Loki without worrying that the usually comforting sound of his even breaths would stop in the middle of the night.

During the day, he would catch you staring too long at a bruise, a scratch. Logically you knew where it would come from. You were incredibly clumsy, prone to bumping into things constantly. But when you could see it, when you stared at the lumps and bumps on your body long enough, you could convince yourself otherwise. Those were the moments he would comfort you, waving a hand over you before telling you, for the eighth time that day, that you were fine. 

“Sweetling,” He would say, gently every time, “I promise that you are in good health. What is worrying you so much?”

You always felt a rush of shame. He was so patient, so kind to you, even on the days where he’d have to tell you ten, twelve, times, and his brow would furrow and lips would purse at your fear.

“I’m sorry,” You whispered back. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

So, you stayed awake. Tossing and turning in bed until he drifted off to sleep beside you, pressing a kiss to your shoulder. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling until your eyes burned and your battery drained. Then you’d get up at 3AM, like clockwork. You’d walk through your home, listening to the soft sounds of crickets outside. You’d sit in the kitchen, coffee prepared in the fridge in advance so the sounds of you rustling around wouldn’t wake Loki. 

You sighed. Your head throbbed constantly from exhaustion, and your hands shook. As you sat, sipping your coffee, you felt your eyes begin to water. You were so tired. 

It was beginning to take a mental toll on you, the lack of sleep. You were more irritable, snapping at Loki over what you used to laugh about. You knew he deserved better, and you hated yourself when you saw the confusion in his eyes at your poor moods. You just felt so terrible, all the time, and you didn’t know what to do anymore. 

Some days, you considered just leaving. It felt like you couldn’t breathe, and you didn’t want to keep dragging him down with you. But the thought of doing so made your stomach clench. So, selfishly, you stayed. 

Thor had recommended you see someone. You knew you should. But you just…couldn’t. He approached you hesitantly, some weeks ago, the way someone would a feral animal. He looked so uncomfortable it almost made you laugh to think about, as it was such an out of place look on him.

“I don’t mean to overstep,” he said, awkwardly, “But, sister, are you well? You have been looking…I apologize for my bluntness, overtired. You do not seem physically ill. Has something happened?”

You smiled at him, heart warming at his care for you. The two of you had always been close, but had grown even closer when you started dating his brother. He treated you like a sister, protective and sweet. Your smile faded quickly, though, at his question. You didn’t want to get into it, not when you knew he’d likely tell Loki. You didn’t want to make either of them worry about you - at least not more than they clearly already were.

“I’m okay, Thor, it’s just…I’m just in my own head, I think. That’s all.” Was what you came up with.

He didn’t seem to believe you, but didn’t push it. You were thankful for that. “If you say so. Might I recommend those Midgardian mind healers? Jane regularly attends one.” He looked sheepish. “Don’t tell her I told you. But, I believe it is for moments when you are ‘in your own head’, as you put it.”

You sighed. “I know. I’ll think about it.”

That was weeks ago. You had a tab open to Google, the search “therapists near me” opened on it. It taunted you, most nights. You couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

“Darling?” A raspy, sleep-filled voice came from behind you. You whipped around, trying to blink away your tears. Loki stood in the entryway to the kitchen, eyes bleary as he looked at you. He was paler than normal, a frown firmly pasted on his face. Your heart thumped. Even half awake, you still found him so beautiful.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?” You asked, making your way over to him.

He wrapped his arms around you, breathing you in. You felt your shoulders relax. He always made you feel better, the familiar scent of spice and pine surrounding you as you listened to the strong sound of his heart.

“I woke, and you were not there.” He said. “I dreamt you were gone, and when I woke, you were.”

Guilt squeezed your stomach. Loki’s nightmares were not frequent, but when he had them they would typically revolve around you. You hurt, missing, dead…those nights were the ones he woke, a horrified noise ripping its way out of his throat, his hands shaking, skin pale. He always reached for you, hugging you to him like a lifeline. You felt terrible that you were not there for him.

“I’m so sorry, honey,” You said, your voice muffled into his chest.

“Why are you out here? It is late.” He pressed a kiss to your head before leaning back to look at you.

You hesitated. “I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“I…didn’t want to bother you.” You bit your lip, looking down.

“My love.” His voice was stern, yet gentle. “You are never bothering me. Do you hear me? If you need me, I am here. Always.” He paused, taking in your haggard appearance. “How long has this been happening?”

Tears welled in your eyes. Guilt and shame stabbed through your throat as a sob burst out of you. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” You sobbed, fisting his shirt in your hands. “I didn’t want to worry you, or burden you, or make you take care of me-” You inhaled sharply, the pain in your head worsening as you cried. “I just don’t feel good and I’m scared, please don’t be mad at me I’m sorry I didn’t mean to lie to you -” Loki shushed you, cradling your head to his chest as your whole body quivered. 

“My love, my love,” He said to you, rocking slightly. “I am so sorry you have dealt with this alone. I am sorry I did not notice sooner. I am not mad, I could never be mad at you for doing what you thought was a good thing. You are not a burden, darling, you never have been a burden. It is an honor and a privilege to take care of you every day. Every day I spend making you happy is the greatest thing I can do.”

You sobbed harder, squeezing him. “I just - I didn’t want to become a chore, I didn’t want you to resent me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just so tired.”

He shushed you again, softly, before lifting you in his arms. He pressed a kiss to your forehead as he walked you both back to your bedroom.

He laid you in bed gently before summoning a glass of water for you, placing it on your bedside table, and crawling under the covers. He held you as you calmed yourself, pressing kisses all over your face and whispering gentle affirmations to you. He wiped your tears with a sweet softness, massaged your scalp in a way you’d always found comforting, kissed your fingertips. When you caught your breath, you looked up at him through wet eyelashes.

“I think I need to talk to someone.” You said.

He smiled sadly at you. “Thor told me that he recommended a mind healer for you. They are called therapists on Midgard, yes?”

You nodded. “I was too scared to go.”

He kissed the tip of your nose. “I will be with you every step of the way, my sweet love. There is nothing to be afraid of, and if there is, I will be with you.”

You pressed yourself close to him, burying your head into his cool neck as his arms circled you.

“I love you, Loki,” you said quietly.

“And I love you, so much,” He replied.

He began to sing to you, an Asgardian lullaby you had heard many times, but never deciphered. The rhythmic motion of his hands running up and down your back soothed you, as your eyes drooped and you finally drifted off to sleep.

Word was sent to your parents of your new arrangement as Thor led you to your chambers. The silence was suffocating as your mind ran a mile a minute.

How would this arrangement work? Did Prince Loki know? Was this his doing? Why would they set you up with the Prince, rather than punishing you? Your stomach swirled. What would your life be like with him? Would he be cruel? Would he take pity on you?

“My lady,” Thor began, his voice filled with discomfort. He came to a stop in the center of the hall and turned to you. “I apologize that this has been sprung on you.” You cleared your throat, head beginning to pound as you shoved back the tears you wanted nothing more than to let fall. You wrung your hands as you looked up at him. “Thank you, your Highness…I am just overwhelmed. Does Prince Loki know?”

His eyes dropped. “I do not know.”

Your chest tightened. The Prince was not told about his arranged marriage. And I am here to bear the brunt of his inevitable anger.

“If I may ask, my Prince–” You started. Thor raised a hand. “Please. You will be my sister soon, no matter the situation. Call me Thor.”

You nodded, appreciating that Thor seemed to be genuine and kind. “If I may ask, Thor, do you believe Prince Loki will be angry?” Thor’s face was grim. “I am unsure, but…” His face twisted into a grimace. “I believe so. But if he is a good man at all, he will not blame you.” You hoped so. Thor walked you the rest of the way to your rooms in silence, though slightly more comfortable than before. - Your chambers were amazing. The floors were marble, with gold detailing and fixtures. A large, plush bed with a light pink canopy sat against a floor length mirror facing the cities and gardens below. You observed the other furnishings in awe as you stepped into the room. An attached bathroom held a bathtub the size of a pool. You were overwhelmed as you took it all in. Yesterday, you’d woken up as a poor girl in the outskirts of the village; a family shunned for your oddities. You could never have believed that in less than twenty-four hours, you would be a ward of the Royal Family, arranged to marry their youngest son. Though your fate as the wife of the cruel son was unbearable, you knew that this was the better path for your life to take. The Norns would not have sent you here if you were destined to suffer in this place. There must be some reason your life so drastically changed. You spent the remaining time in your afternoon outside. Thor had left you with the knowledge of how to get to the gardens if you wanted to explore the palace grounds, so you’d figured it best to familiarize yourself with the layout of the wing you resided in and its surrounding area. Your walk was peacefully quiet, the occasional member of the housekeeping staff passing by you and nodding politely. You would adjust to having staff cater to you, but it was surreal to be treated like you were anything but the village pariah. When you reached the gardens, you drank in the view. Rows of ornamental shrubs and flower arrangements, gardeners tending to the plants all over. You walked through slowly, enjoying the soft fragrances carried by the breeze. Deciding you needed a moment to take in your new surroundings, you followed a path deeper into the garden, leading to a secluded area with a small bench for you to rest on. You sat, sighing. Looking out past the greenery, you drank in the kingdom of Asgard in its entirety. The view of the village, the city line, people moving about their daily lives as small as ants from where you sat. It almost made you feel smaller, to realize that you had always just been part of an almost anonymous whole. To see everyone now, small specks in your view, set your new path in perspective. How many times did the King and Queen sit in these gardens, looking down at their subjects? How often did any member of the royal family enjoy watching the village like children staring at farm animals through slats in the fences? You heard a snap sound from behind you. Whirling around on the bench, you met a pair of green eyes looking sharply down at you. “You are the one my parents have decided I will settle down for?” His voice was sharp, dripping with venom. “How pathetic.” You stood quickly, running your clammy hands down the front of your skirt. “Prince Loki. My name is-” “I do not care for your name. Do not assume I care for you at all, girl. You are merely a pawn in my father’s games, and I refuse to play along this time. I merely wanted to get a look at you, and I see now that there is not much to see.” His eyes roam over you with disinterest. Your cheeks heated as your heart pounded in your chest. You felt a stinging behind your eyes and tried to blink away the beginning of tears before he could notice. “I apologize, your Highness, but I have as little choice in the matter as you do. The Allfather-” “The Allfather does not speak for me. And I will see to it that this is rectified immediately.” With that, Loki turned and stalked out of the garden. You pressed a shaking hand to your chest, exhaling slowly. You felt your heart thumping under your chest as you were filled with a sharp sense of unease. You had known that the Prince had a temper, and could be downright unpleasant, but the way his eyes had roamed over your body like you were nothing cut through you. When he was finally gone, you allowed yourself the moment to cry, hot tears spilling over your cheeks. This life is not the one you wanted for yourself. Of course, you were not stupid. You knew this would be difficult. You knew your life was never meant to be a happy one, being born with a curse such as yours. But you never could have imagined that being brought into the palace, something that every other Asgardian would view as a blessing, would be something so miserable. You decided to walk back to your chamber, eyes puffy and red. You just wanted the day to be over, to have a reprieve from the awful day you have had thus far. Of course, you have never been one to experience good luck, and you walked straight into Thor on your return. You slammed into each other, knocking you off balance. He reached for you, straightening you before you could fall. You see him scan you for injury, landing on your puffy face. “What happened, my lady?” He asked, voice full of concern. His gentleness in contrast to the abrasive cruelty of his brother spurred on another round of tears, and you let out a sob. He hushed you, guiding you into another room and seating you at a small bench. When you are able to calm down, you recount the conversation you’d had with Loki in the gardens. You watched as Thor’s face turned from surprise to disappointment and anger as his brother’s behavior. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to speak poorly of him,” You started, hiccuping. “But I do not understand what I’ve done wrong.” He shook his head. “You have done nothing wrong. My brother’s words are meant to hurt. He knows destruction and how to bring it, and he lashed out at you. You did not deserve that. I will not speak to him about this, my lady. But I must inform my parents of his behavior.” You nodded, sniffling again. “Thank you, Thor. I appreciate your comfort and understanding.” “You do not need to thank me. It is only the right thing to do.” Thor guided you back to your chamber as he made small talk about the palace grounds. You told him of your visit into the gardens before your confrontation with Loki, and how beautiful you found it. He seemed pleased. In your room, exhausted, you decided it would be for the best to lay down. Despite the fact that the sun had not yet set, you could not imagine being forced to face the rest of the day.

-

You woke in the morning to the sun illuminating the room. For a moment, you could almost hear your father’s humming, or your mother’s soft rustling as she moved about the house trying not to wake you. Then your surroundings settled on you, and you sighed as you blinked up at the ceiling with watery eyes. A soft knock at the door persuaded you out of bed. You stretched, standing and feeling the cool tile beneath your feet. You padded to the door, opening it tentatively to see a small girl who looked to be part of the palace staff. She gave you a small smile, curtsying. “Good morning, my lady. Are you well?” She asked. “Y-Yes, I am,” You say, awkwardly. She seemed to sense your discomfort. “My name is Camille. I am tasked to be your lady-in-waiting.” She shifted on her feet, wringing her hands. Your stomach turned. You didn’t want to make the poor girl uncomfortable, but the idea of having someone assigned to cater to you felt wrong. You sighed quietly, forcing a smile. “I’m sorry. I was unaware,” You said, trying your best to look reassuring. “Please, come in.” She gave you a small, hesitant smile, entering the room. She walked toward a door to the left, opening it wide and stepping in. Inside was a large wardrobe room. As you followed her, your jaw dropped at the sheer size of it. The room was the size of your family home, full of casual dresses and gowns, shoes, and accessories you could never have even dreamed of owning before. “While you were away yesterday, Her Majesty had us stock your wardrobe. The size is approximated, as you seem to be similar to Her Majesty in stature, but if anything does not suit you, please let us know.” She explained, motioning to the hanging dresses. “I will go over with you the dress occasions, but you will never have to worry. When it is time for a particular event that requires dress assistance, I and my co-lady, Lille, will be here with you.” Your head spun. Still taking in the room, her words only served to overwhelm you. You knew nothing about how to dress as a member of Asgard’s high society. What if you made a fool of yourself, or worse, embarrassed the Royal Family at an important engagement? Camille seemed to sense your nerves. She rested a gentle hand on your forearm. “I know it’s a lot to take in, my lady. But I promise, we are here to help you.” You nodded, swallowing hard. “Thank you,” You croaked. “I’m sorry. I just…I am not yet used to this.” She smiled at you. “I understand. If I may, my lady, can I familiarize you with your options? Please stop me if you have any questions.”

-

After what felt like an eternity, reviewing corseted versus non-corseted gowns, day dresses, evening gowns, riding gear, shoes…your head felt tight. Camille was extremely helpful, answering all of the questions you had. But still, it felt like so much to take in. With her assistance, you had chosen a simple day dress, pale yellow and simple. She directed you to the main hall, where meals were held, for breakfast. You ran into Thor at the entrance to the hall, and relief filled you. You weren’t looking forward to entering the hall alone. His face brightened. “Good morning! I trust you slept well?” His voice boomed. You smiled back at him. “Good morning, Thor. I did, thank you.” He nodded, pleased. Offering you his arm, he turned toward the door. “Shall we head inside?” You took his arm gratefully. “We shall.”

-

You loved to watch your garden bloom in springtime.

You watered each and every plant with such tender care and love, humming sweet songs to yourself as you went. There was something about gardening that felt so right, so at peace, that you dedicated your life to exploring it. To expanding it as far as you could.

After Thor’s coronation, and the declaration of Loki as his royal advisor, you and Loki decided to take a step back from the spotlight that came with being members of the royal family. As the Prince and Princess of Asgard, you of course had certain responsibilities and functions you must attend, appearances and galas and whatever else the good King Thor could come up with. But a quiet life was all the two of you desired.

The years hadn’t been kind to Loki. He still grieved the life he once lived, and mourned the person he was before. In all his time with you, he had learned to release the anger he held toward his father and brother. He met you at a dire crossroad in his life, on the verge of acting drastically in an attempt to prove that he was worthy of the pride Odin showed Thor, despite Loki’s true parentage. You, though. You’d shown Loki unconditional love, without lies, without secrets.

You were there when Odin fell into Odinsleep. When he woke, only to pass not long after. You were there when time took Frigga as well, her bright, twinkling eyes fading into beautiful and revered memory. You held him when his shoulders shook in grief and pain for months following. And you loved him even more as he became the man his mother always knew he could be.

When Loki had presented this lovely place for the two of you, a modest countryside home - or as modest as a Prince can get - you couldn’t believe it. He knew, and listened, to your desires of a simpler life. One where you could use the gardening knowledge you’d gotten from Frigga during your lessons, where you could learn to be a homemaker without the bustling of staff around you. You’d wanted a quiet home for your future children, where they would learn of a life without the pressure of royal perfection.

Thor was all too happy to allow the move. With Loki as his advisor, they had fitted a device that strengthened Loki’s ability to travel in and out of the palace with ease, and for Thor to reach you if needed.

But in the evenings, when Loki’s work was done and your garden was glistening in the setting sun, you lived the life you’d always desired. Sitting by the fire with each other, limbs tangled, cheeks flushed, speaking in hushed voices about the events of the day, you felt your heart grow every day for your husband.

-

As you continued to garden, you heard the telltale sound of Loki returning, and you hurried inside to greet him.

“Hello, darling,” He said, his eyes brightening when he saw you.

You smiled, wrapping your arms around his neck and placing a gentle peck on his lips. “How was everything today? Did the two of you sort out the final arrangements for his,” You lifted your hands to motion air-quotes, “‘post-coronation’ ball?”

He rolled his eyes, chuckling. “We did. He insists it’s not to celebrate the coronation itself, but to celebrate the new start for Asgard, but I saw him choosing the drink list.” He lowered his voice, pressing his forehead to yours as if guarding a secret between your bodies, “Between you and me, I do believe our lovely King plans on letting himself particularly loose at this ball.”

You laughed, tossing your head back. “He was always a partier, was he not? Don’t think I don’t remember the stories of the Mighty Thor, protector of Asgard and resident drinking champion.”

You had been around for many years, and Thor never changed. Your brother-in-law was always lighthearted, trying his very best to make the people around him laugh even when the pressure on him was tremendous. Watching him grow over the years, you could see Loki realize how much work Thor was putting in to be the leader Asgard needed, and even now you could see the respect and pride Loki had in his brother despite his antics.

That night, after the two of you had enjoyed a meal together, you lay in the bath before bed. You sat between Loki’s legs, his arms wrapped tightly around you as your back pressed against his chest.

“You’re so beautiful, you know,” He said quietly. “I worry I do not tell you enough.”

You leaned your head back, pressing a light kiss under his chin, smiling at the way he still shivered slightly at your touch. “You tell me every day, my love.”

“Perhaps I should tell you twice daily.” He pressed a kiss to your ear. “Or thrice.” His hands rubbed up and down your arms.

You hummed. “Prince Loki, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were up to something right now.”

He let out a low chuckle in your ear, sending a shiver down your spine. “My dearest. You should know by now, I am always up to no good when I am with you.”

-

Later, you laid in bed sated and happy, facing each other in the soft candlelight.

“Thank you.” You said simply, watching as his face crinkled in confusion.

“For what?” He asked.

You rested a hand on his cheek and he leaned into it, pressing a kiss to your palm. “For loving me.”

His eyes opened slowly and you basked in the way he looked at you with a sort of reverence, as if he was worshiping you. “I will always love you, my heart. You have shown me what it’s like to grow, to bloom. You are my ray of sunshine and I am the garden you have tended with such love and care, and I swear to you until my dying breath that my heart is yours.”

You leaned in and kissed him with wet eyes, and neither of you got much sleep that night.

-

You were gardening again.

You woke slowly in the morning, a note on your bedside table left behind by Loki as he left for work.

I hope you dreamed of me, It read.

You stood in the light of the sun, enjoying how it always felt on your skin. You loved its warmth, the comfort it could bring you as you knelt in the soil, adding to your beloved display.

Life continued, slowly. Asgard changed for the better, while Thor ruled with a kindness the kingdom had not seen in a long time. Loki worked tirelessly beside him, returning to you with proud eyes each day he was able to make a positive change. Every hand he shook, every expression of gratitude he received, showed him that he was worth everything.

At nights, when you were alone, the two of you had long conversations like you were still in your youth; whispered jokes and quiet giggles, secret glances at each other as you sat in different parts of the room. You couldn’t have asked for anything better.