one thing you should know about southerners is that we’re scary as fuck. drive through the backroads in a town where people don’t know you and they’ll all stand in the middle of the road and stare you down as you go by. down the road a ways from my neighborhood is a big white and brown house with 5 sheds out back. the fuck do they need 5 sheds for? idk but i’m not trying to be the one to find out. i wouldn’t suggest you try either, because another thing you should know is that we’ve all got guns. my next door neighbor is 87 and still goes to the firing range. he also still washes his own truck once a week, mows his own lawn, and just got re-married a few months ago. his wife is 79 and she is beautiful, hardly a wrinkle on either of them. one more thing you should know about southerners is that we think we’re never gonna die. and when we do? we haunt.
you don’t believe me? go inside that lighthouse at midnight. go inside that doctor’s office that used to be a military hospital back in the civil war. go inside that abandoned house that’s sagging down the middle and creaks every time the wind blows but still somehow smells like gun leather and freshly cooked bread. hell, drive around in the middle of nowhere at night. i’ve heard stories of friends and acquaintances who have, on one of the long, slick black paved roads that run through the miles and miles of orange groves and corn fields, come across a group of folks all dressed in white robes running barefoot down the road with cow skulls held up in front of their faces, or looked out the window while driving and seen red eyed death running beside them at 65 mph. but listen, that was probably all bullshit. go ahead and walk by yourself through the woods. you’ll be fine. there’s nothing watching you from within those thickets of palms and pines and moss that are all stitched together with spider webs and rotting into the earth. nothing hiding just beneath the surface of that murky brown lake. definitely nothing in those dark, dark shadows you can’t quite see into when you’re blinded by the sun, waiting for night to fall so it can come out. nahhhhh, definitely not. you want some tea?
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