who you should fight: cullen clan edition
who wins: you, but at what cost?
look i'm not saying you couldn't beat carlisle up, i'm just asking if you really think it's worth it. he's a five hundred year old nerd with a strong bend towards pacifism who literally discovered a whole new Vampire Food Source just because the old one offended his moral sensibilities. the odds of him genuinely throwing down with you are slim to none. he'd probably let you beat him up and then dedicate himself to solving whatever psychological defect led to you thinking this was a good idea in the first place. like congrats, you just got yourself a vampire therapist. so i guess if that's what you're looking for out of this go ahead and fight carlisle; if not, don't bother. there's no catharsis to be had here.
why would you do this?? like honestly what the fuck. what possible fucking beef could you have with esme?? it's esme. this woman has done nothing wrong in her life ever. all she wants is to raise her vampire kids with her vampire husband in their vampire mansion and you want to fuck with that? hasn't she suffered enough? don't fight esme. i'll fucking fight you.
What The Fuck Are You Doing: round two. dude. dude listen. there is no conceivable world in which this goes well for you. this bitch has literally spent over half of his entire lifespan fighting one war or another, he's been a soldier longer than you've been alive. he also has some rather clear self-control issues of the murder-y sort, even around people he actually likes so i don't know what the fuck kind of outcome you're expecting here. the second he draws blood (which he will) it's all over for you. it'll be first blood then no blood okay, you don't stand a chance.
that said, Do It. fucking confederate probably deserves it and you'll get a whole lot of clout for even trying. emmett might even high five your corpse. do it. fight jasper. take him down a peg.
look alice is a strong independent woman who don't need no man and can very much fight her own battles. that said, do you really think she has the time for that? she's a busy woman. she has shit to do. like honestly what's the point of having a boyfriend over a foot taller than you if he doesn't deal with unwanted challengers for you, i ask? man needs to pull his weight. honestly fighting alice is just shorthand for Fighting Jasper But Worse. even if she did deign to 1v1 you, do you really think you're beating a fucking clairvoyant?? she may he tiny but she's vicious okay? don't fight alice.
who wins: does it matter?
look realistically there's no way you're coming out on top in this. i think it's important that we all acknowledge that from the get go. that said, you should absolutely fight emmett. he'd love it okay? he's an absolute behemoth of a man who wrestles bears in his free time, do you know how rare it is for someone to be actually willing to throw tf down with him?? all you have to do is survive getting put through a few trees or whatever and you'll have earned yourself a friend for life. fight emmett. please. it'll make him happy.
to be clear, on a physical level you would be absolutely fucking eviscerated. like no questions asked. that said, i don't think we should underestimate the emotional victory of just being in rosalie hale's presence. unlike alice she has both the time and the sheer contempt for both you and the rest of mankind as a whole to beat you down personally, and you'd better be damn well thankful for the fact. having the shit kicked out of you by rosalie hale isn't a right, it's a privilege, and you better fucking appreciate it. it'd probably be good for her to burn off some off that repressed rage honestly. depending on how good your showing is, you might even earn her respect. do it. fight rosalie. even if she kills you, man what a way to go..
who in this world can say that they haven't ever wanted to take a good fucking swing at edward goddamn cullen? liars that's who. okay sure he's got super speed and can read minds. whatever. can you imagine the sheer euphoria you'll experience in those brief moments between your fist hitting his face and your painful death? sounds fucking worth it to me. honestly even with his outrageous physical advantage you could still probably swing a victory if you manage to get inside his head. just think about how eternally damned bella is going to be after she marries him and his self-loathing will do the rest. you can get a few good kicks in while he's curled up sobbing in the fetal position.
ellievsbear
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turnnoffyourmind
stormborns
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pixelskylines
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