Bacon, Balloons, and Blogging

I write so many text posts that I never publish, it's nice getting stuff down in writing even if no-one ever sees it. It just helps straighten everything out for 5 minutes.

I've been debating about writing this post for a while, I always try remind myself of this when I can't sleep at night. But it'll be good for me to get this out in the open. When I graduated and I walked out onto that stage and went through the silly fan fare to official get my degree, everything I've been through hit me. I actually struggled a little to hold it together. Because I survived. And I don't mean I survived university, granted it's a bitch and everyone who gets through it should be proud. But no I survived three years of my life where nothing went right, I lost a lot. And I don't like admitting that. But I survived two suicide attempts. I survived two suicide attempts, the anxiety, loneliness and depression in between and yet I still walked away with a good degree. I've never actually said that, not even to myself. But I survived possible the hardest battle of my life. The first attempt, was in my second year. First year had been pretty shit, I lived with assholes and I lost most of my friends through anxiety and shit that went down among them. But well I still had someone keeping me together, I won't name her but those who know me will know her. And we were in a long distance relationship, and it was good for me to have some I completely trusted and offered me support at a hard time. In second year I moved in with a guy and his girlfriend and his friend, and long story short the guy was a domestic abuser. He accused me one night of sleeping with his girlfriend, he threatened to kill himself and blamed me. Five minutes before that happened, my girlfriend admitted to cheating on me. I didn't speak to anyone for a week, I hid fearing if I left my room I would cause my housemate to kill himself. I felt just being there I was cause problems. I blamed myself for my girlfriend running away. I had no-one around me, not even my own room felt safe. I had no where to hide just to breath for a minute, I lost my best friend in the world and my other friend might kill himself because of me. I honestly can't remember what day it was when I thought about attempting it, I wasn't leaving my room. I didn't have a plan of how I was going to attempt it, but I knew I had to write letters out and I should pack my stuff because I couldn't put someone through that. It was while packing myself, I was thinking of the people I would write to. The list grew longer, and I just couldn't hurt them. And I remember just crying for a day straight because I knew I had to keep going because I just couldn't hurt anyone. I somehow survived that year, I found somewhere new to live and I went through the uni support (they helped but where pretty shit). But I was still pretty broken, I couldn't pack everything until I was going out the door because it brought back memories of the attempt. But I survived, I formed a couple new social relationships with people and was doing okay over the summer. I meet a lovely girl through work, and got together with her and I felt supported again. When we went back for third year, she cheated on me. I lost yet another friend, and I again blamed myself. But this time I was lucky, I feel back onto a old friend, known her for years and we had dated before. And we got along well, I was doing okay at uni. My 2nd attempt came about Valentine's Day. I had just bought this girl a gift and cards for both v day and her birthday. It was during that day that she ran off with her karate teacher, I found out about it via a facebook relationship change. This was the third person in a row to break my trust, but she was also one of those in the list that saved my life the first time. I had fought so hard to recover, and I was back to having completely nothing. I didn't trust myself at all. And because she was on that list, I talked to myself into believing anyone on that list could hurt me too, that I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I sat with a pair of broken scissors on the floor of my room for a couple hours, I got to the point where I didn't want to write notes this time or pack, I just wanted to get it over with. I even planned to attempt it in the shower so the blood was easy to clean after. I to this day don't understand what saved my life that day, I guess I was just strong enough not to. I survived but only just. I kept trying to recover, I struggled to attend uni still, form social bonds again. I had a couple moments were I got being social wrong and completely destroyed bonds which did cause the same blame cycle but I understood it so I dealt with it. But yeah, i had to keep fighting. And I had the stress that if I fuck up my degree that's game over for my life basically, it was the last thing I had. I got my degree. I survived suicide. I've admired I've tried to only three people before this. But this is the first time I've admitted I survived to myself. I still have nightmares about everything that's happened, this is only just the top of what's happened to me. I will never forgive the people who put me in that state. I'm thankfully for the people who without even knowing saved my life. So many people kept me strong without ever trying and most will likely never know. But I need to keep telling myself I survived, and no matter what those who hurt me did they never truly beat me. And I'm gonna keep fighting because what better way to say fuck you than to be happy.

Let me sleep brain I'm tired af

I've hardly been using tumblr lately, I only really use it when I'm feeling shitty. I guess that's why I don't use it when I'm feeling only mildly shitty. Just meh, tumblr has caused me so much shit in my life. It's a shame because I do love the blogs I follow