hexie in hockey.

🧸

All love for the Captain!

Washington Capitals: Brandon Duhaime - this is like giving your dog control of his leash

New York Islanders: Matthew Barzal - we want to see what amount of responsibility it would actually take for him to crack under

Pittsburgh Penguins: Kris Letang - flip a coin, will he actually act like a captain or will he mess with sid and do fuck all just to see how long it would take to drive him into a psych ward

Toronto Maple Leafs: William Nylander - there is no moment where he acknowledges this is happening in any shape or form

Colorado Avalanche: Nathan McKinnon - we have never seen a nhl team go on strike before

Philadelphia Flyers: Travis Konecny - there is no way this man would put on the jersey with a c on it. he knows that shit is cursed

Dallas Stars: Tyler Seguin - honestly he deserves it (disclaimer: this one is solely kyle’s opinion) but he would not know how to handle it nor would even want to try

Montreal Canadiens: Juraj Slavkovsky- you are giving a prepubescent a magic wand

Las Vegas Golden Knights: Mitch Marner - this is solely to watch auston matthews crash out while trying to pretend that it is completely normal that he does not have the ability to perceive the other team’s captain (and because we know nobody else on that team)

New Jersey Devils: Luke Hughes - forcing the youngest sibling to actually do shit is enrichment

Edmonton Oilers: Darnell Nurse - every game would be basically purge night (and davo might actually commit out of stress on the spot in front of god and country)

San Jose Sharks: Sam Dickinson - you know how in fleabag when every time she says god isn’t real the painting of jesus falls off the wall? this is what would happen whenever dickie tries to put on the c jersey

Boston Bruins: David Pastrnak: only evidence needed is that one all star game

Florida Panthers: Aaron Ekblad - this is like giving your dog control of his leash but this dog is orange cat to the brain

Minnesota Wild: Marcus & Nick Foligno - but the team tells them individually that they are the only captain and sits back to watch the fallout

Ottawa Senators: Claude Giroux - we want to see him dead eye the camera the office style

Tampa Bay Lightning: Nikita Kucherov - only evidence needed is that one media he just didn’t show up for. that is how it would go

Nashville Predators: Luke Evangelista - it is objectively hilarious to give the team that actually has the word ‘predators’ in its name a captain whose surname is basically just christianity

Calgary Flames: Joel Farabee - give a gay man power and see what happens

New York Rangers: J T Miller - this is a case of how reality will always be worse (and funnier) than anything else we could come up with

Vancouver Canucks: Drew O’Connor - (lovingly) does one ask a goldfish to remind them to do something?

Seattle Kraken: Brandon Montour - by the fourth time he tells a ref that yeah maybe my guy did that but can i not use my captaincy to pardon him like a president (which he can’t), he would be sent to the box

Anaheim Ducks: Jacob Trouba - doesn’t even want to be on that team, let alone captain it

Columbus Blue Jackets: UNKNOWN ? - someone please fill this in. we fully forgot columbus was even a place, let alone had a team.

Winnipeg Jets: Josh Morrissey - more men should be made to do jobs they hate

Carolina Hurricanes: Seth Jarvis - honestly there would be a biz crash out of the century over this

Detroit Red Wings: Moritz Seider - we know for a fact he has a kill list and want to see who he goes after first

Buffalo Sabres: Bowen Byram - because literally why not

Chicago Blackhawks: Tyler Bertuzzi - he would wear his I WANT THE TIP shirt and camo crocs to media

St Louis Blues: Nathan Walker - fighty, australian and in a throuple and we want to see what this would inspire in the team

Utah Mammoths: Mikhail Sergachev - we want to believe he would bring his chickens to a game

L.A Kings: Kevin Fiala - pretty privilege