Resentment

He was passing by, the sky freshly dark as the sun tucked itself up to rest below simple and scenic horizons. It had been maybe fifteen minutes since the sun had set when he came across the attack.

People screamed as a beast, malformed and nearly in the nude busted through the front door. The wood splintered as the door gave way to the assault. Inside was a family of four. All huddled together in one tucked away corner under a table with a long cloth, all the children were too terrified to breathe properly. 

The eldest held them all closely, hushing and cooing while stroking heads and cupping mouths. If they were to be caught, the eldest would sacrifice herself, all for the futile attempt of everyone else’s preservation. 

The sound of creaking wood coming to a sharp halt is enough to know that the beast stands still in the middle of the room. A loud, deep, whiff fills the pregnant silence, quickly replaced with an eager exhale. 

Breathing deeply and shutting her eyes, she prepares herself to be the lamb. Her short, mundane, tiresome life flashed before her. 

Slowly pushing the others behind her, they grasped at her desperately. Nimble fingers and freshly callous feet try to bind her to them. Each one, hoping, attempting to mold her into the corner with them as an unpromised life is better fought for then a promised death. 

Alas, she ignores them. They’re too young to know that their games of hide-and-seek weren’t won based on skill or merit. 

She takes one more deep breath. Probably her last ever. Ready to distract by making a run for the door. In one quick motion, with one last promise, she pushes off the floor, pushes through the cloth and sprints for the door. 

She sees the demon and it is grotesque. It’s too big for this humble house, its neck spirals like twisted fabric, spine protruding from its skin, and its head twists in a way that allows it to lay its ear flat against the ceiling.

The girl sucks in a breath, her jaw shut tight from the terror. 

If she could scream, it would be bone chilling. The type you feel in your chest when you hear it. 

In the few strides she made, it was on her. It’s hand reaching to wrap around the back of her neck, she could feel the air pushed towards her. She imagined it caught her already, taking both ends of her body to ring out like a soaked rag. Later shoving her into its jagged maw. 

Its hands had to be upon her. What else could the searing heat be on her neck? 

But as soon as it came, it went. 

She had blinked, and in that second, the terror had been grabbed and thrown outside. 

Giyuu had rushed in, cleaving the demon’s arm.

Following into a roll to keep his movement fluid before springing off the floor towards the demon. Swinging his arms back, he prepares for this to be his final slash.

“First form-” quickly an arm juts out of the demon’s mouth, forcing Giyuu to abandon the attack and flip over  and land directly in front of the abomination.

Soon realizing he wouldn’t have enough space to fight, Giyuu grabbed the demon and used all his weight to throw it outside through the door, popping its frame out of the wall.

The young lady threw her arms up to protect her eyes as splinters burst everywhere. Tripping as the prick of splintered wood triggered her natural reaction to stop. She fell forth, her knees taking the brunt of her weight. Shooting her head up, she realized that the beast seemed no more interested in her, for something had taken it. 

She was alive and didn’t know how.

___________________________________________________________________

The demon hissed, gurgling its words before leaping tens-of-feet towards the farm land to the right of the houses. Swiftly Giyuu followed in pursuit, his next attack would have to be the end of this.

As soon as the demon touched ground, stomping tilled ground to nothing, it whipped its neck around like a whip. Its final lasso is thrown towards Giyuu, soon pivoting its head towards his back.

 Going in to bite his nape, severing his spine at his neck.

“Third Form: Flowing Dance” 

Giyuu twisted and slashed down the coil that was the demon’s neck. Ensuring its death.

The beast howled, its body turning into ash as it floated up towards the sky. Erasing any evidence of its existence. 

Giyuu sheathed his sword, exhaling softly. He had made it just in time. A second later, and he wouldn’t have made it.

“Oh my god–”

Giyuu grabbed his katana hilt, looking back at the house. In its frame was the young lady, now accompanied with three other children. They surrounded her, all hugging her, all of them white as a linen sheet. Giyuu approached them with haste, needing to ensure no one needed medical assistance. He’d have to call some kakushi in if that was the case.

“Is anyone hurt–”

“Thank you! Thank you so much! I–I–” the girl had choked on her spit, hiccuping as she bawled. 

All her siblings held on to her, the youngest of them wailing alongside her. 

A slight nausea swept through Giyuu.

A few seconds later.

Just a  few seconds passed when he showed up. 

They would've been shredded to nothing.

________________________________________________________________

Giyuu was arriving home, his mind never wavered from the events of hours prior. He tried multiple times to change the subject in his head, each one leading him right back to the main topic. 

He even tried not thinking.

But his mind took to intrusively asking him the same question every half hour.

What if you didn’t make it?

His jaw would clench or his steps would stutter every time that nasty little voice in the back of his head would speak up.

It had to be the most difficult debrief from a mission he’s had in years, and now here he stood in the quietness of his estate. Made to mull over it in pure solitude.

Giyuu kicked his shoes off, placed his katana down and shrugged off his haori all by the door. Trudging deeper into his house as the thing he longed for the most on his mission was to be at home, clean, and in complete isolation.

Drawing a bath, his mind began to quiet down now, the constant echo of nothing finally reaching him. Walking from the bath to his room, Giyuu began to peel his clothes off, each layer shed felt close to euphoric. 

He figured that once he sunk deep into that hot water, all his worries from this mission would be washed off him just like all the grime and dirt that clung to him. It worked, usually.

Taking off his last article of clothing Giyuu tried to pivot his thoughts. What he ate today, the trees he saw, you. He thought about everything and anything that wasn’t about his trip back home. But each of these felt like a farce. Only the thought of you alleviated some of the crushing ache in his chest, but it wasn’t enough. 

With frustration, Giyuu sank deep into the basin, leaving only his face above water. The all encompassing pressure was like a cradle, blocking out all outside noise as all he could hear was his breath and the flow of water. He imagined you there with him behind his closed eyes. You’d just be in the next room, laughing heartily at something. Waiting for him to come to bed while you entertained yourself. 

Giyuu found himself thinking of you more. His missions were getting harder it seemed. Not physically, but emotionally. He was feeling drained each time he came home, but this one. This one took the cake. He wasn’t just drained. He felt defeated, as if he didn’t slay the demon at all, feeling conquered instead. 

He pushed his imagination further, slowly sinking deeper as if the water was the illusion itself. Imagining himself getting out of the tub, throwing on his night clothes ready to join you for bed. But you wouldn’t be ready for sleep, quite the contrary. Instead, you be ready to hear all about his day, tell him of yours. Tell him of all the things you found interesting, small or big. All while he drifted to sleep on the silk of your voice, cuddled up to your bosom while you stroked and scratched his head as he held you tight in his arms. 

Giyuu dunked himself entirely now. Holding his breath to steel the fantasy in his mind. As if the thought of you was air itself. His hand twitched as he thought of how soft you’d feel, plump skin protected only by soft linen. The only barrier between him and you. His hand drifted idly to his inner thigh. How soft yours must be, how subtle your thighs. 

He began to ache again. But not in his chest for the tightness moved lower. His imagination was running far from reason, from reality as he thought of how he’d slowly remove his arm from your waist, creeping it down your leg, brushing aside the fabric entirely. Your talking would slow to a halt, your desire matching his. 

Tracing up his own leg, brushing his sex before grabbing a hold of it, he thought of you. How he’d split your thighs with ease, the hitch in your breath would be his permission. He dreamed of you grasping at him, cupping your sex while he dragged his palm across you. Wetness meeting his touch. 

Squeezing himself as he dreamed of you ushering him on top of you, kissing you whispering about his love for you. How he’ll adore you forever and show you tonight. How he’ll do good by you, love you, hold you, protect you–

His mental image of you quickly replaced by the memory of the little girl running for the door. An insidious thought burst to the forefront.

She's just like your sister.

Giyuu went to inhale but his lungs were met with water. Immediately coming up for air he coughed and lurched every bit of water he could. His body threw a fit as he coughed, sneezed, and almost hurled from the combination. A mixture of water and snot leaked from his nose, a single drop being the only sound now besides his ragged breathing.

Pathetically remembering he was alone, his immersion was fully broken. Leaning off the edge of the tub to regain himself, he closed his eyes. Though this time wasn’t to fabricate a lecherous fantasy of you and him. Instead it was frustration…and some mild embarrassment. 

Sitting in pure silence he sighed.

He just couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

Giyuu slipped his shoes on and made sure the onigiri was packed nicely and tight in its carrier. He considered sending his crow, Kanzaburo, to make sure you were awake but it's late and fears he’ll get lost anyway. He has enough worries on his mind at the moment.

He doesn’t want to bother you, especially after what transpired in the tub. But his shame is overridden by this nagging need to not be alone right now. The pit he feels just keeps expanding, swallowing everything in its wake. And every time he figures out how to think of something else, it comes back with a vengeance.

So he figures he needs a bigger distraction to keep his mind on track. And what’s a bigger, more attention grabbing distraction, than you?

________________________________________________________________

The night was beautifully loud for you. Frogs, crickets, and other insects chirped while fish in your pond breached the water surface to eat at mosquitos and dragonflies. You were having a late night just to yourself. Sitting on your egawa with fruit slices, a small lantern, and a book you bought on your last mission as a gift to yourself as a ‘well done’. There were no casualties or injuries on you or anyone for that matter, and defeating the demon wasn’t easy either. 

You partially chalked it up to luck but you couldn’t deny your skill either. Hard training makes for a hard slayer, and to remember times like those is essential as it just goes to show how your constant training is paying off. Hence why you got into the practice of rewarding yourself after a mission gone perfectly well. 

Being a Hashira wasn’t for the weak and that didn’t just apply to the physicality of a person. Your mind must be stronger than your body or else you won’t persevere when necessary. 

You hadn’t planned for guests but did crave the company since you wouldn’t be sent out on a mission in the next coming days. Thinking of sending your crow to Shinobu or Mitsuri to see if any of them were home, you reach over to pop a piece of fruit in your mouth. Enjoying the sweetness as the flesh burst in your mouth, humming as it was the perfect bite. 

Placing your book in your lap, you lean on one of your hands as you look up at the stars. Enjoying your sanctuary, you half-heartedly wish you were sharing this moment with someone. Thinking of how fun it be to laugh the night away before bidding adieu. Replaying memories of previous rendezvous with Giyuu in particular. 

Though rare, he would come over just to spend time with you. Which shocked you beyond belief when he first initiated the escalation of your relationship from coworkers to friends. Whole time you thought you annoyed him, each time you caught him alone you’d talk to him. Trying to explore connections as a newbie-hashira, wanting to make friends in this foreign atmosphere. And you’d say Giyuu is easy to talk to, if you’re okay with leading the conversation. Which you are, mostly. His lack of response made you wonder if he was just politely telling you to fuck off. 

But soon he began to reciprocate, giving his two-cents here and there.  

You both got closer after being sent on a mission together, and even closer once you befriended Shinobu. So close that once you invited him over to your estate as you had made food for a handout with Mitsuri, but she had been called away on a meeting at the last minute and had to cancel. And he accepted immediately.

That night you both talked nonstop. You started to believe he didn’t have the ability to ramble, but you were proven incredibly wrong that night. The both of you talked about everything, even laughed till your stomachs hurt. Well, you laughed to the point of hysteria, he just turned his head as he laughed at your laugh.

From that point on, you encouraged Tomioka to come over whenever he felt like. As long as you were there of course, just send a crow to check and the answer will always be yes. And he took you to that.

The norm was for him to ask, you felt it be inappropriate to invite yourself to his place. Understanding how private the water hashira is. You figured that if he wanted you at his house, he’d let you know.

But you did have to urge to send your crow to him. Maybe you can redefine this norm of yours? Maybe you can let him know that you’re thinking of him? Or would that be flirting?

You laughed at the idea of being so bold with him. Knowing Giyuu, that advancement might fly over his head. 

But you considered it more often as time went on. Giyuu was a catch. Strong, smart, quiet when necessary, genuine, kind, handsome, and funny (even when he wasn’t trying to be). And he seemed to like you also, at least as a friend. But you were reluctant, you didn’t want to ruin what you had. You felt if you made the first move it would be like trying to pet a cat after it sat next to you, mistaking its tolerance for fondness. 

So you planned to let things be. Sighing deeply, you try to get back to your book. Prying your mind from the idle daydream of your friend you're soon interrupted with an abrupt knock coming from your entrance gate.

You perk up immediately, all concern washing away as you see its Giyuu.

“Oh! Giyuu, how are you? Come in!” you usher quickly, shoving your bookmark into place as you throw your book higher up your egawa porch. You’re barefoot with no shoes but could care less as you patter over to your gate to meet him. As you approach he lifts up a deep blue cloth that matches his yukata with what seems to be a bento inside, gesturing that he brought snacks.

You close the distance in an instance, excited for snacks and elated conversation. Though he didn’t look it, Giyuu knows his way around a kitchen. You beam at him, unlatching your low gate to let him in.

“Hey” you say, practically gushing. You’re smiling like an idiot but are too happy to care.

“Hi” he says back, a weak smile of his own graces his lips. It's quickly replaced with a look of uncertainty, shifting his weight preparing to be shooed, even though deep down he hopes you’ll allow him to stay instead of just dropping by.

“I…I was in the area. I don’t want to bother you but…” eyes shifting away from you, almost like he was embarrassed of asking to be here.

“I made too much and don’t want it to go bad.” he motions towards the bento again. Never has he been this awkward in his visits to you. But it had been a while since the last. Was your relationship regressing due to time apart?

Your smile dimmed, almost looking like a grimace. Failing to hide your disappointment.

“Are you…not staying longer?” you hold onto the gate door, toying with the engravings. 

“Well I didn’t send Kanzaburo like you told me too. I feel that I’m oversteeping already–”

“I like it when you stay long.” you blurted out. 

Giyuu looked at you with shock. His eyebrows pitching up and his lips parted. His surprise was apparent, though it helped you none as you felt your face and ears heat up fearing that you sounded desperate instead of eager.

You gawked at each other for a short moment, soon composing yourself with more dialogue.

“Only if you want to of course. It's fine that you didn’t send Kanzaburo, I’m just happy to see you. How was your mission?” you smiled while stepping aside, allowing him to lead whether he was staying or going. And to your delight he walked in. Waiting for you to close the gate behind you before walking back to your porch with you.

“The mission was successful,” he declared. It sounded cold as he spoke.

“I don’t think it’ll entertain you though, so just tell me about yours.” Giyuu took a seat, scooting higher up the egawa’s edge to be sat comfortably. Placing his bento between the both of you.

Right as you begin to sit you realize you’re not being the best host, popping back up to step inside.

“Imma go get us something to drink. And I made some cake.” you wiggle your eyebrows at him for that one causing him to  blow air out of his nose and grin at you.

You felt butterflies in your stomach when he looked at you like that.

“That would be nice.” he says, turning to face your front yard.

You go and fetch two slices, putting them on the cutest porcelain plates you have and get forks you had imported from the west. Often you find yourself thanking Mitsuri for giving you her contacts so you can have a little taste of home at your place. Quickly placing cups and plates on a carrier tray, not wanting to stall the good time any further. You step outside, Giyuu picks up his bento once more to place to his other side, starting to take whatever he’s packed out to hand to you. Placing the tray where the bento was, you settle down back into your previous spot, picking up the conversation where it was left off.

“My mission went great. No casualties, no major injuries, everyone was so nice to me even before I saved them,” you began to yap, “and I usually have a problem with those small villages because, well look at me. They’ve never seen a black girl before, so you know most people are too busy gawking at me and wondering why I speak their language.” You laugh as you go on. Giyuu reaches over, handing you an onigiri, which you smile and thank him. Shimmying in place as you anticipate the first bite. Giyuu smiles at you, watching you intently as you chow down. He hums, beckoning you to tell him more.

“And I was expecting something utterly horrifying when I got there because, well you know, they only send us when it’s serious,” you talk between bites. Reaching to hand Giyuu his slice of cake, returning his gesture of kindness. “But the demon just had a very unique blood art. Like, at one point I thought I was a goner because it uses mind control to like erase people’s memories of it.” you make a swirling motion with your hand in front of your face, mimicking what you saw it do to someone before trying to eat them. The first of many close calls from that night. 

“It was insane because it kept erasing my memory while I was fighting it, so I would be mid swing wondering where I am and what I’m doing,” Giyuu hummed as he placed a bite of cake in his mouth, the treat delicate in its sweetness and extremely moist. Before meeting you, Giyuu never had western sweets, but wished he did sooner. Still staring at you, he wonders absentmindedly what his life would look like without you. 

“But I was able to kill it by letting it think its last attempt to wipe my memory worked and just sitting there. When I tell you that was probably the scariest thirty seconds of my life Giyuu–” you turn to him finally, catching him watching you. There’s this look on his face that seems contemplative yet enduring, you watched as his eyes searched your face. You blink dumbly at him, but to him all he sees is how your doe eyes look at him. “Do I have rice on my face?” you ask, swiping the corners of your mouth with your hands. He smiles at you.

“I would’ve got it already if that was the case.”

“Mhmm sure.” you roll your eyes playfully at him.

“What do you mean, ‘sure’?”

“You’d get a kick out of me rambling while I got rice all over my face, you’ve done it before.” you shoot back with sass. Caught on a good point, he concedes.

“That was one time.” Giyuu takes to leaning on the support beam next to him, still keeping a playful tilt to his voice. Taking another bite of cake before continuing. “Besides, I promised you I’d get it next time. Didn’t I?”

You parse your lips at him, still giving him that look that says you don’t believe him. But you agree that you remember nonetheless. Knowing you could talk his ear off, you try to pivot the conversation back towards him.

“Enough about how amazing I am. Tell me something. Anything.” Now it’s your turn to watch him.

Giyuu halfheartedly sighs at this. While holding his cake plate, he leans his head on the beam also. Taking to staring reflectively at your pond. Watching the frogs capture its prey with ease. How their tongues whip out, snatching life from the air, cracking the spines of dragonfly to fit them into their gullets. His smile and mirth leaves him. He imagines the girl from earlier in the bug's place.

A silence comes over both of you, it isn’t uncomfortable. But if it drones on any longer, it might drift off into awkward territory. 

“Was it…that bad?” you ask. Your voice now meek as you stare out into the pond with him. Not really seeing what he is. “The mission, I mean.” Giyuu’s silence continues, gathering your question in his mind.

“...No, no it wasn’t that bad. My mission was like yours.” you nod at his response, still wanting to understand the shift in atmosphere.

“Then…what happened?” your question prompts him to look at you again. A single eyebrow quirks in confusion to your perceptiveness. There’s no attitude behind the gesture, but to you however, it feels like a scolding.

“I’m prying, aren't I? Sorry” You smile nervously as you say it but Giyuu shakes his head as soon as the apology comes.

“No, it's fine. It's okay when you pry.” you don’t miss the emphasis he puts on ‘you’. You feel giddy as you mull over it, turning your face away from him so he can’t see you smile dumbly at something anyone would say to a friend. Giyuu misinterprets your actions for you being upset at him for his lack of transparency. He looks back to the yard, unsure as the visit that was meant to alleviate him from what he was feeling earlier, was coming back tenfold. He was failing to connect, failing to protect. Failing in every way it is meant to count. 

And just like back at the estate, silence overtakes him. The once cozy ambience is swept away as an uncomfortable silence takes its place.

You realize that he’s gone quiet again, whipping your head around to gaze at him. Hoping by reading his face you’ll get a better understanding as to how he feels. But to your dismay, his face is blank. Like a smooth horizon with something bubbling deep below the surface. The only way to know its contents is to dive in. But you feel as though you’ve ruined the mood and are unsure with what your next move would be to ease such tension.

You mull over the thought for a while, unsure of what to make of this moment. Would this be the end of his late night visits? Would this relationship regress into what it was before? Only the subtle pang of wanton nostalgia being a reminder that you know each other past the basics of each other’s names.

The silence persists, almost oppressively. Choking all previous glee from this interaction and turning the ambience stale. 

Hesitant, you looked around, was he annoyed by you? He seemed fine when he came over, but now it was feeling like he was regretting it. You begin to clear your throat, mustering up the courage to try and save this from complete ruination, you attempt one last time to clear the air.

“Hey Giyuu, it’s okay if you want to turn in for the night.” Giyuu continued to stare off. It felt as if he was elsewhere. 

“...You’re right, something did happen today.” he said dreamily. His eyes still face forward, looking straight at your front yard and fish pond. Watching as two gold fish circled one another.

He continued.

“On my way back, I saved a small family of four. But the only ‘adult’ was a fourteen year old girl.” You looked at him puzzled, unsure with where he would be going with this. Yet, with furrowed brows, you listened. As you knew every word would be important.

“She thanked me. Her and the rest of her siblings, they all did.” Looking down at his hands, calloused and worn. Unsure what to make of them at this time.

“But…I’m ashamed.” This took you aback. Out of all the people, you could see no reason for him to feel such a thing.

“Giyuu,” you cooed, “you did your best, and your best was enough.” You smiled weakly at him. Saddened that he’d think so low of himself. His face shifted, an incredulous look written on it. He shook his head.

he deflated with the last word, like it hurt him to even admit it. You leaned in, placing a gentle yet firm hand on his arm. However you didn’t speak. Interrupting him seemed like the worst idea.

“I saved them. No one was hurt. But after…” he trailed off. His eyebrows knitted tight as clenched his fist, the pain of his nails biting his palm grounding him. He felt his voice get stuck in his throat, he swallowed, wanting to clear it.

“I couldn’t help but feel envious.” he deflated with the last word, like it hurt him to even admit it.

“I felt jealous because they reminded me of me and my sister.” He could feel his throat tighten, a heaviness took over his chest. Like a pit of sorrow that festered its way into it. Leaving the cavity numb.

Realizing the moment, you softly moved the snacks further up on the porch, sliding yourself closer to him. 

“How come?” you asked. Giyuu inhaled deeply, steading himself to respond.

He turned his head slightly more towards you, not wanting you to miss it. You responded in kind, repositioned yourself closer to him, not wanting to miss it either. With one shaky exhale, he spoke.

“Because…she tried to use herself as a distraction–” his breath hitched as he began to choke. Tears welled up in Giyuu’s eyes. He tried to stop himself, stop the dam collapsing in on itself, but its weight was too much for him as tears fell. One after the other, the tears ran into each other, wetting his face fast.

He began to sob. His shoulders gave way to his head, as it hung low in shame. Ashamed for all the times he failed loved ones. 

“I–I failed my sister. I failed Tsutako–” he spoke between sobs, hoping the world would just open itself up to swallow him in one fell swoop. Proving his existence meaningless.

“Everyone dear to me has sacrificed themselves for my sake,” his eyes were red and puffy, “and I have proved I am unworthy of that–”

“Don’t speak like that!” the authority in your voice made Giyuu look at you. Tears caught in your lashes as you pursed your lips.

“Don’t say that about yourself, because you are just as worthy as the rest of us.” you gripped him firmly by his shoulders, moving yourself to kneel instead of sit, your faces were now mere inches apart. All the both of you could hear was each other’s sniffling, you continued.

“You are a Hashira. You are strong. And you are one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. So please,” you breathe sharply through your nose as you try to stop snot from trickling. “Don’t think so low of yourself.” You practically whisper. Your hands moved, now encompassing his face. Tears fell freely from your eyes, not an avalanche but noticeable all the same. 

Giyuu was moved. Overwhelmed by emotions too grand to explain. But he felt overtaken with a desire he couldn’t deny. One that, even if he could, he wouldn’t want to anymore.

He took hold of your hands, slowly prying them from his face, moving them to rest on his chest. Holding one of your hands in his, he squeezes firm as if making sure this is real. That you in this moment is real.

With hesitation, he takes his free hand and cups your face. Using his thumb to wipe a tear, but he doesn’t retract after. Instead his eyes peer deep into yours and it ignites in him a complex concoction of adoration and disbelief he hasn’t felt before. He leans in some, pulling you slightly closer, your breaths entangling and fan one another as you both pause.  

You’re doing a balancing act, trying not to careen into him and close this distance that will recontextualize everything if it is not maintained. Leaving one hand on his chest and moving the other to rest on the wrist of the arm cradling you, you let him take the reins and you close your eyes. Leaving it up to him to pull you into his tide or push you away to shore.