Overlove & Overthink

if I start to see you as a savior

I’m worried you’ll start to see me

as a damaged damsel in distress

demanding delicacies in every diorama

of conflict caused by my too-careful conscience

quilting questions quietly in a quest

only to be seen and sought and savored

salaciously, sensually, saliently

when my focus ought to be

on me, myself, and I

on real-life dreams of flying high

on all the fruits decaying on my vine

all I want is a family that’s mine

still I can’t seem to toe the lines

still I struggle with goodbyes

until the hurtful insults fly

crazy, obsessive, damaged and wry

I’ve never been able to pin down why

I know I drive them all mad

but I’m struggling to do life

asking for help

finding none to suffice

could it really all come down to my mind?

I’m the problem

I’m the one that’s blind

I do want a white horse to ride to my side

a confident cowboy sitting up high

I’ve always craved saving

I don’t want more goodbyes

I’ll try

I’ll pray

I’ll stay

I’ll cry

I’ll write all the thoughts out

until they’re no longer mine

I’ll paint him the villain

I’ll bargain with fate

I’ll plead and I’ll scream

my soul, I’ll berate

at the end of the day,

there’ll be nothing on my plate

or maybe, just maybe,

I might get it straight

I might fly right

I might tempt my dream date

without being a tempest

without destroying what’s great

I might need saving

but I’ll do it myself

if you’ll stick around while I peruse the shelf

while I pluck out the plank

that has plagued my dear faith

find communion with Me

You remember me in Tupelo

I rarely cross your mind, though

Every time you’re at home

I’m there

Telling me it matters where

I stay and try to build a life

I’m scared

I left before

Disaster, there

Fill my mind with delusions, again

Every time you hate me

Every time you judge me

Every time you hold me silently

While I say the monstrous thing

While I prove to you, again

What’s wrong with me

In the silence

I feel the chill

Little whispers on my neck

Ice cold, cruel rejections —

Matter-of-fact, non-attached

Redirections.

Have you ever told me lies?

I owe you more than I recognize.

You treat me lovely

As long as we’re together,

But the second we’re separate,

I feel the tether fraying!

It’s more than just a little dismaying!

Threats of violence, silent chill

Screaming car alarm, dead end for what I feel

Diced up words in the time we kill

We don’t pray

We don’t say

Most of what we need

I know that is not your speed

Now, your questions take too much heed

Of what I’ve done —

Of what you need.

I wonder if you’ll ever see

Love and trust and respect for me

Now that I’ve made it all run

At least lust remains

Oh, isn’t it fun?

It’s all that I’m good for

It’s what you really want

It’s all the value in me

Since I learned how to flaunt

A body that only carries pain

I wonder if anyone can love me the same

I see you in every water bottle

I crush to fit the can —

The way we both said

“Takes up too much space,” and

Laughed it away.

I can’t escape you.

You changed the number on your phone.

I dial and dial just to hit the tone.

I fell in love with someone who hates me.

I cry daily.

I fill the gaps as best I can.

I’m alone again

Again

Silent tears slipped into my waiting fingers

On the way to the bay

Too choked up

On Olivia Dean and memories of you

Confusion how you don’t want me

Frustration that I can’t fix it

Anger that you want an obedient trophy

I wish you’d never touched me

But you did

And you should have to be accountable

The first song you sent me made me cry

Totally non-alligator tears

Cascading like an army’s thrown spears

It’s hard for me to pen down why…

When I’d sent flirty hip-hop heat

And you replied with vows of intimacy

Intentions to provide the bread and meat

And immeasurable proximity —

You take my breath away!

Man, I seriously can’t let you stay.

I’ll hold my breath, and, soon enough,

You’ll be on your way.

You crushed me, ain’t it tough?

I had built more feelings than I’d bluffed.

Still, imagine fumbling me for basic stuff!

That’s worse than your little interviews - Off the cuff.

Watch me reap what you sort of sowed —

You didn’t do the labor, so

I don’t feel you are owed.

Watch me make your sly comments real.

Watch me make another feel

Like he’s second only to God.

I know you’ll see me step up.

I feel it in my bones.

I can balance more for our peoples

Than coaching kids up —

Added to my resume — not eating me up.

In relief, I have one little truth,

I’m miles bigger than little old you.

I bet that one stings a bit.

I’m a sabertooth in the kissing booth;

I strut in, mostly masked, dripping in lace.

You brood, nothing but area colored gray.

Blaring in my ears is every sad melody —

Every angry, worn word written into legacy.

I forget to sing; I forget my ministry.

I forget my devotion to my community.

Every hope was tied to our shared community.

The clothes over my tender hopes were too like lace,

Shredded easily like my hopes for ministry.

I lived in a honey-drizzled haze of gray.

I prayed for something I’ll never secure: legacy.

I tried to sing, but you killed my melody.

I heaved and howled, clinging to the melody.

I wandered my hometown, my broken community.

I prayed for your wholeness, happiness, and legacy.

I cried out up to branches, against the sky like lace.

I wanted your name stitched on my lapel: Gray.

You know nothing can come before the ministry.

I let it slip — my purpose in life: my ministry.

In my mind still rings that smothered melody —

Snuffed out ahead of breath, never to be gray.

Area and setting and plot — all community

Has got. Interwoven words and roads, all lace

And whatnot. All calling me to leave a legacy…

What is life without legacy?

What is faith without ministry?

Nothing but playthings — lightweight lace.

Nothing but a track without its melody.

What is love without community?

All lonely and dim in the fading gray.

Still, the morning dawns, soft and gray.

Still, the sun rises above our smoldering legacy:

What could’ve been for our community?

What might’ve been a shared ministry?

What will never sound a sweet melody?

The paths so intertwined; they’re lace.

The gray dawn burns out — a fruitless ministry

Gathering dust — a forgotten legacy, a played out melody…

Sometimes I inhale when you exhale

And the air used up by you is

More than enough

Deep breaths of

Wine and Versace

Cloud my mind

But one thing is clear

This is divine

Forward focus

No reasons for a rearview

Will I make it in time?

Twisted sheets

Music on echo:

Be the man I need

Dancing in the dark

My glass of wine at sunset

And coffee with sunrise

Awake, asleep,

Alone? Complete.

I knew everything at 19.

Now, I know how to go unseen.

The older I get,

Nearer to 27 than 26,

The less I know.

The further I go.

The wiser I get —

Enjoy the show!

He asks, “Is that gloss?”

I smile and nod yes —

Another ball sunk, another shot down,

No room for a frown.

The happier I get —

The widest smile in town.

“I love the whole fit!”

Wisdom isn’t something you can hold.

It’s something that dawns.

It’s both divine and unknown.

My mind opens more —

I see the plethora of doors:

They aren’t locked; they’re closed.

He sings “Simple Man” and doesn’t miss a note.

In anything he does, he’ll have my vote.

The older I get —

The more I see,

The less I have in tow,

The more lines I learn to toe .

I place fewer bets

The more he holds me close.

His heartbeat jumps through his chest.

I lay down my head knowing he’s best.

The older I get,

Nearer to 27 than 26,

The less I know —

No longer waiting for the blow.

The wiser I get;

When I’m frozen through

With shivers and missing you

I wrap up in a blanket

I forget the morning’s due

I run a bath of hot water

Just a couple inches deep

Just enough for warming up

Lonely hands and feet

I distract from my empty stomach

With some coffee or some tea

Which warms me from the inside out

I wore a bra I knew you’d love the day

After you spurned me

With little flowers the color of love —

For all your lust, you learned me.

Now, I’ll sit in boiling water

Until I can feel my pulse in my lips.

I’ll be a darling daughter;

There’s nothing worse than this.

I’ll inhale till I’m light-headed.

I’ll drink until I’m drunk.

I’ll rip out stitches you rethreaded

Because in love I had sunk.

You’ll run until you’re weary.

You’ll set boundaries till you’re blue.

I’ll ask the questions, “Hey, Siri!”

I’ll tell the world we’re through.

I’ll move on as you regret it.

You’ll play with my videos and yourself.

I’ll forget all the words that you said if

You completely ignore my mental health.

My story will tell your secrets.

For me, it’s all true testimony.

This wound has cut the deepest.

Now, I see that you’re just a phony.

I’ll out you to them all.

I have a torch to burn.

You’ll be all alone at the mall.

Even now, thinking about

watching you breathe

makes my stomach twist in the best way

and switch too swiftly to thoughts

of my mouth around your name

over and over again

in every variation

But my trust in you is bruised

Enough to make me feel a little used

I said some things I felt led to say

In more than a couple of leading ways

Some of them being guidance from you

If I tell the whole truth

I felt some way, so I let the words loose

All for you to leave me out in the rain

In stretched out silence

Like you’re still playing games

When you said you were too old and tired

I’m not calling you a liar

I am hurt

I thought you saw me for all I’m worth

I know now you had high hopes for me

But I am not a lover’s dream

No trophy wife, no prom queen

Still, I am many, many things

I am worthy of love

And of praise

And of care

I am worthy of patience

And worthy of prayer

I am worthy of finding love everywhere

But life is unfair

And you don’t believe,

Somehow, that you are worthy of me…

So I’ll call you perfect, and you won’t say a thing

You’ll laugh it away

You’ll think it’s a lie

But I was honest when I said

I’ve had my eye on you for quite some time

Should I admit how long?

You call me pretty and complex and strong

But your deflections do rub me wrong

I want to be wanted and needed

And loved

Because most of all, I want my kids

To know Daddy loves Momma

We walked to where the sidewalk ends in stone.

We waltzed along with floating butterflies.

We jogged across the streets, all caution blown.

We told each other beautiful, lovely lies.

Your mouth moved over words and all of me.

Your eyes undressed me over and over.

Your hands held mine through all the sights to see.

Your voice sent me over, Dear Red Rover.

I leapt, throwing caution to the wind.

I flew thousands of miles and money spent…

I said, “See you later;” I lied again.

I gave up, maybe too fast, when we bent.

We saw the longest bridge over water

I wanted love like a loom —

Somehow still weaving us together

Anywhere we could think to go,

Anywhere at all,

Strong and permanently tethered, me and you

It’s like Esther said to Ruth:

My most tender love is for you.

Wherever you go, that’s where I’ll go, too.

I wish that I could’ve stitched it for you.

It’s not something I’m well-trained to do.

My hands shake;

I fill them with meds four times a day.

I’m more trouble than I’m worth,

And I’m a worthless weaver…

We all see it!

Threads slipping through my fingers,

My breaths catching,

Shoulders rolling forward.

Tension gathering

Tremendous, invisible pressures

I needed you to posture.

I needed you to save me;

I’m a little helpless that way.

I need to know you’ll go out of your way.

Where is my white horse?

Where are you?

Please, come take me home.

Please, don’t let me go.

I’m just a damsel in maximum distress!

I’m just a hurricane clothed in a dress.

I’m just a rose bud withering on the vine…

I’m just alone because you won’t be mine.

I washed my hair twice

Once to remove the oil

And once to remove the very air

Of a trip on the brink

From here to there

And I bathed in baby dove

I scrubbed everywhere

And dressed in mom’s old clothes

Before back I drove

To turn down lights and locks alone

To cradle to me only my phone

To have you ask me how I’m feeling

Hours before a duty post

For which you know I’ll be a ghost

Haunted by your words

Or lack thereof

And I wonder how many men

I’ll drive away

Because nobody puts baby in a corner

I just want that sacred seat

That place of adoration

Made me think of you —

Fickle and finally suffocating,

So I finally closed the tab I kept open

On your favorite breed of dog…

As if I’d one day show up

On your mom’s door step

With at least one thing

I’d expect you to want

I had a dream.

You called me back.

You left songs in my voicemail.

I snoozed all my alarms again and again.

I kicked and wept.

It wasn’t real at all — I checked.

I turned baths to salt water for hours.

No tears, it’s not really crying, you see?

There are just tiny estuaries flowing

Over the thin skin amassing darkness

Under the windows to my soul - not free…

Don’t look at me!

Don’t look at these

Smudges that evidence some of my lies

Discolorations which I daily hide

With matte orange lipstick

On my way to work, I smear it on quick.

Does it ever do the trick!

Because purple and gold are opposites…

You stole my heart and crushed it.

Now, I’m just a tin girl.

I turned on my whole worldview, for you.

Now, I’ll write off the whole world.

I wanted peace after my betrayals.

You said you couldn’t give it to me.

I tried to find it in another.

His mirage was a convincing cover.

I’ve been through hell and back.

You never even call me back.

I don’t want to live here in lack

Of being able to love someone right back.

I can’t be alone!

You leave me abandoned.

You can’t stand that I’m weak.

I can’t stand you leaving me stranded.

If you had asked me to stay, I would have.

I’d still be there right now,

Wrapped up in a blanket on your couch,

Beaming up at you,

The crickets sound their echoing chirps!

A crickets’ choir is on display!

I gave you my heart on a plate,

But you asked me to stay too late.

I hesitated just too long

Because we had been resting in a rut.

As such, you quietly marched along.

My dear, I fear my heart is shuttered shut.

You given me so little time for so long.

I need you now, but we’re kaput!

The crickets’ choir drowns my blame,

And leaves me feeling guilt and shame.

With you, I wasn’t trying to play!