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It’s been a while...

I think it was in college I make this account to write out my thoughts and try to externalize what I am thinking inside. It’s so cliche when I hear people say, “Oh writing is so therapeutic and helpful blah blah blah” but I never really gave it a shot. I am realizing there are a lot of things I should start changing in my life... maybe this is a good place to start.

Right now what I am feeling... I think the best way is to say “Unhappy”. It’s hard for me to say that because people tell me how I can bring happiness in other people’s lives, but it’s just hard because I just don’t feel happy personally. I honestly don’t know why. I don’t know if I am just hyper-analyzing my insecurities or if really in a state depression and sadness. I don’t know, and I don’t know how to ask for help.

I’m a teacher. My job is to educating and mentoring a young generation to be advocates of change and to better our earth and humanity. This is what I though I was suppose to do... something that I have been “planning” to do for my “whole life”... but now that I am here shouldnt I be “happy”? While writing this, I am in ending my first year teaching and I know it’s gonna be hard your very first time doing anything, but I honest do question if it ever will be easier. I feel like I will continue to work a lot and I just expect that each year will be the same. It’s just hard how long the currentness is taking for things to get eaiser. Also, when it gets eaiser... will I be “happier”? Are happiness and easiness related? I don’t know, I just know right now I spend my 40 hours a week doing my job, and then at least 10-20 extra hours off the clock continuing to work. I don’t think I have a problem working more, but I just don’t fully like what I do. Maybe I will start loving what I do more, but it’s just really hard right now. Maybe happiness will arise..

"Momma gets depressed falls in love with the next maniac On crack use that to cope. Make a nigga smoke a whole sack of dope Writing rhymes tryna bring back the hope Try to ride the storm out and crash the boat could of drowned But I grabbed the rope"

I guess I have an acute parasomnia disorder called Night Terrors. Ever since roughly the 8th and 9th grade, every few months I would be dreaming and suddenly the dream would bequeath me with intense amounts of horror and terror, causing me to scream in the dream, and screaming in the real world. I remember when it first started happening, I was really confused and didn't know what's happened. It was such a weird feeling, because you almost feel like you are screaming in two worlds; your dream world and the real world. I would scream so loud that it would wake my parents up and then had to come to my room and calm me down. For reference, sometimes the screams were so loud that it had the potential to wake up my neighbors. The occurrence of these dreams happened to me about 6-8 times a year when I first started having them. Still to this day, I have these night terrors, even though the frequency has drastically drop. Trying to describe how one of these night terrors feels is somewhat hard, but it always starts with a dream involving an event that extremely terrifies me. In the years, these events have ranged from walking off a cliffs, snakes, lizards, and demonic imagery. Usually how it happens is I experience and normal dream and the suddenly some terrifying event happens, and I begin to scream. It's such a weird feeling, because since I am use to having them, I cam almost know in the dream that I am actually dreaming and I am screaming in real life as well. I guess this is somewhat of a lucid type dream (since I know in the dream I am dreaming) but what is super scary and unfortunate is when I begin screaming in the dream and realize it is being projected in the real world as well, I can't stop screaming. For a good few seconds, I am just involuntary screaming, with no control at all, until I finally slip out of the dream and am awake. Usually right after the night terror, my eyes are wide open, my heart rate is extremely fast, and sometimes I might have a little sweat.

As of this moment, I am going to start the switch. I have thought about it for a while, but you can switch up your lifestyle unless you make the initial step. Sorry Facebook, it's been real but I am going to sit this bowl out. Tumblr, you are my new drug of choice.

Personally, I feel like Facebook has lost its personal value. It's just turned into who can post the funniest status, prettiest sunset, cutest profile pictures, copypasta text that you can find all over the internet, and "share" photos that originated on websites that post OC like 4chan and reddit (if you know me, you know I don't like reddit, but I have to give them some credit (ooooh, you love that rhyming); they have had some good OC lately, e.g. Ermahgerd).

I just want a space where I can post what ever the fuck I want. I want a space where no bitches whining "ahhhh, your[sic] blowing up my news feeed =\", sync my instagram photos too (because instagram photos are so profesh), maybe post some lyrics I like or wrote; I guess I just want a internet diary that is free to myself. Call me a fucking hipsters for switching to tumblr, I really don't care. This is what I want, am I honestly don't give two fucks. 

I am ready. Let's do this. After this post is posted, I will have uninstalled Facebook on my phone and moved my Tumblr app to the space where the Facebook app use to be (I don't know if anyone else noticed, but the Facebook app icon and Tumblr app icon are like the same thing, just flip and rotated. t's and f's are so similar). 

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