Let me start by saying: It’s very hard for me to post this. I hate comparing photos of myself now to ones where I was thinner. There’s still a part of my brain that says ‘wait, why would you be proud of yourself for getting fatter?’. I’ve been trying hard to tell that part of my brain to kindly shut the hell up. On the left is me at my absolute thinnest. I am 6′3″, and in that photo I weighed about 145 pounds. On the right is me now, weighing in at 182 pounds. The girl on the left was not healthy, despite the illusions of “fitness” that the angles and lighting would lead you to believe.
She was never happy with herself, eating about 500 calories a day (and some days, none at all), and still crying herself to sleep over an ideal body image that she couldn’t achieve. As someone who suffered from an eating disorder as well as severe insecurities about my height for most of my childhood/teenage years, I’m finally learning to accept myself. I’ve come a long way in the past couple of years. From 500 calorie days and hunching over to avoid attention, to enjoying meals that contain three times my old “daily allowance” and occasionally breaking out a pair of heels. I am healthier, I am happier, and I am free to explore areas of my personality that aren’t tethered to how I look in a swimsuit or how many inches taller I am than everyone I know. I am still a work in progress, and I’d be lying if I said that I don’t still have days, weeks, or even months where I settle back into old habits, but damn, is it nice to just be occasionally. I am appreciating things now that the girl on the left never had the time or energy to appreciate, I am learning to love myself as well as making room to love those around me, and, probably most importantly, I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. I’ll leave you with this: Putting time and effort into loving yourself is not selfish. It is not going to be the easiest thing you’ve ever done, and it sure as hell isn’t going to just click right away, but it is worth it. You are worth it. And believe me when I say, you deserve a fucking chance to live your life without the burden of hating yourself.
