Darlings

It was the morning of the exams. Mungo had thrown up twice. Once as soon as he woke up and the second straight after breakfast. 

Coriolanus too felt a dab of anxiety. Failure to pass meant the end of the road. Another year to wait until your next chance and even that had conditions. 

Coriolanus felt a dreadful need to pass. To earn the title of Captain even if he would never use it. Dr Gaul had to know that despite it all he would have topped her. There was nothing that she could do that Coriolanus wouldn’t conquer. Earning Captain would at the very least put him on the same level as her. 

He was no longer the boy that she tormented.  He would be captain Coriolanus Snow. Just like his father. Unlike his father, however, Coriolanus would earn the title rather than obtain it with money and connections. 

Out of the 150 candidates only 20 earned enough points to continue on to the assessment. Those who failed passed rumours that Coriolanus either brought his place or Commander Vongurt rigged the points system. It irritated Coriolanus to no end. They had seen him work, toil and sweat. Balancing training and you was no easy task. 

Mungo reassured him it was just jealousy. That made no improvement to his mood. 

The exam was held in a white room. A man who Coriolanus had never seen before conducted the assessment. He wasn’t a peacekeeper. He wore business clothes and he was too short to make the cut offs. 

Still he must have been important. He spoke as if this was beneath him, and didn’t make eye contact with any of the group.

Mungo sat one row behind Coriolanus as planned. The nerves almost flattened him. The colour from his face was gone, his knee jerked under the table and his pen shook in his hand. 

Once the paper was done, Coriolanus could see why. The exam was five hours but to fully answer all of the questions would take at least six or seven. 

Coriolanus hoped Mungo had learnt enough for the essays. They were mostly like the practice papers. Coriolanus had helped mungo with spelling and grammar. Correcting misinformation and offering a new approach to questions.  He would at least have a foundation to build upon, Coriolanus just hoped it would be enough. 

The multiple choice Coriolanus could help with. Even under the watchful eye of the assessor. 

Coriolanus pushes his paper closer to the side of the desk, angling it so Mungo could get a look at his answer sheet. 

When the bell went off singling the end of the text, mungo let out a sigh of relief. Coriolanus too, felt as if a great weight had been lifted. No more studying. He could finally take his nose out of his book and focus on you and Lorretta. 

The men remain at their desks until the man collected the papers before they were dismissed. One officer who had surely failed, ran out of the room as soon as the dismissal left the assessor mouth. 

“I think I’ll pass this time” Mungo told Coriolanus with unbridled hope. 

“Of course you will”, Coriolanus promises. 

Coriolanus is jolted forward in his chair as Henry kicks the back leg forward. He doesn’t look back at Coriolanus glare. Just continues out the door which agitates Coriolanus further. 

“Ignore him”, Mungo advises, raising himself, “He’s just annoyed you scored more points”. 

Coriolanus follows Mungo from the room back outside and down the path to the bunk. 

”Ah” Mungo gasps in the fresh air, “freedom”. 

“We still have the physical”, Coriolanus reminds him. 

“It takes five business days to get results’, Mungo says, “for those five days I am a free man. It would be an honor to pass this time and complete the physical. I hope you do too, my friend”. 

Mungo pats Coriolanus back. It may be the first time Coriolanus had ever had a true friend. Coriolanus knew everyone and just about everyone knew Coriolanus snow. His name meant people were always friendly with him. Also spoke familiar and kind to his face. But the friendships he harboured in school were surface level at best. Just friendly enough to ask for a favour when it came time. Something could be said for Serjanus but Coriolanus preferred not to think of him. 

District 2 proved fruitful in many areas of his life. He learnt to shoot, fight, strategise. He learnt how to fix and build things. Most importantly he had provided some of the strongest relationships he never dared hope for. Mungo would be a life long friend and Coriolanus  would aid him to rise through the ranks once he was president. The Vongurts too. They would be treated like his parents even if they were only stand-ins.  And you. Oh, you and little Loretta. He would center his life around his girls. Make sure you are lacking nothing. You would grow to love him. Maybe never as much as he loves you but he could settle for less. 

It was 5 business days until he knew if he would pass. If not, it is fine. He had lost nothing but his pride. But still that nabbing feeling to be the best ate at him until Mungo's feeling began to transfer. 

He too was a free man. For 7 days, he could do nothing but sit and wait. For 7 days he could spend all of his free time with you. 

In gratitude Mungo offered to do Coriolanus chores so he could go straight to your house of a morning and not return until late. 

The vongurts gave you the week off to support Coriolanus during this stressful time which meant that you were stuck with him from nearly the moment you opened your eyes until curfew. 

He was quieter than normal. He would never admit it but he felt more anxiety then he let on. The fear of disappointment drowned him. The shame of failure. The humiliation of admitting he wasn’t good enough. 

Idle conversation was made. A polite comment about the weather, discussion about a quirk the vongurts have. Loretta proved to be a fruitful topic but you were hesitant to showcase your child to him. 

The presents still flooded in. With more time on his hands he could go to the post office more often. He had brought Loretta another doll and a game where she had to hook moving fish which she was taken with. It kept her entertained most of the afternoon.

He loved the peaceful afternoons with you and Loretta. Loved going by the school to pick the little one up and eating dinner together. Playing with her before shower and bed. He wished you would let him in the room during your bedtime routine but you always kicked him out, forcing him to listen by the door. 

He sits at the table once the chatter stops, waiting for you to come out. 

You didn’t say anything as you do. A little head nod as you pass him on your way to the kitchen. You liked to keep busy, he believed. 

As you begin to dry the dishes he washed, Coriolanus approached with an envelope retrieved from his bag. 

“Here” he said, pressing an envelope into your hand before you could reach for the next dish. 

You take it from him to investigate the insides. Thick notes were wedged between the paper.

“I figure I’ve been here more often than not. Eating your food. Using your electricity,” he explains, “hopefully that helps the burden”. 

You hold the envelope back out to him forcefully trying to get him to take it back. 

“I can’t accept this” you tell him. 

“Why not?”he questioned, gently pushing your hand away.

“I don’t want your money” you state. 

“Don’t consider it my money. It’s our money”. 

You throw the envelope to the counter and turn away from him. Bussing yourself with the dishes. 

“I am confused. You’ll accept my gifts but money offends you?” 

“Take them back then” you snap, throwing down a spoon in frustration. You turn to look at him again, fighting the urge to push him. 

“I never asked you for anything. In fact I told you to stop bringing them”. 

“I am not trying to fight with you” he defended, “I am trying to understand”. 

Coriolanus takes a step closer, enclosing your upper arms in a gentle hold. You think about shoving him off but feared the outcome. 

“I am just worried I am stressing you out”. 

“You are”.

You feel his hold tighten but his voice remains calm. 

“I am trying to help. Let me take care of the bills until we get back to the capital”. 

“No, thank you”. 

“What?” He gapes 

“Mrs vongurt always says free costs too much” .

”Mrs Vongurt wasn’t referring to us”, he notes calmly, “Do you see her turn away diamonds?”

“Please let go of me”, you ask him calmly. 

He ignores your request, bringing you closer against him instead. His arms wrap tightly around you, enclosing you against his chest. 

“Stubborn thing, aren't you?” he teases. 

“Please let go of me”, you requested again in a stronger voice.

He listens this time, releasing you and taking a step back.

“You will love me one day” he states as a matter of fact, “it’s only a matter of time. I dont know why you are so hesitant to accept the inevitable.” 

With anger you did not know was inside you, you pushed him further back with a harsh shove to his chest. 

“You have them all fooled, don’t you? They were my protectors,” you accuse him. “Lorretta was my child”. 

Coriolanus makes no attempt to invade your space again. He puts himself between you and Loretta’s door, wanting to make a barrier in case the child decides to come out from the noise. 

“The Vongurts love you, and Loretta is still your child”, he defends. 

You move towards the door brashly, going to where your handbag hung and rifling through your possessions. You find what you are looking for before storming your way back to him and slamming the jewellery box on the table for him to see. You open the lid as you place it so there wasn’t a second to guess what it was.

Coriolanus looks at the sparkling diamond ring. Square in cut, set in a thin band. Two small rectangular diamonds were set on each side, and smaller circular diamonds  lined the top left of the metal, joining the ring to the band with the bottom right mirroring the design. 

“She said to give it to you” you state, “she said she’s always thought of Loretta as a grandchild but can’t  wait for a baby. She said” you spat out, “that the sentiment was shared by your grandmother in the Capitol. Apparently, they have been talking a lot recently, seeing as they will be family shortly”. 

“Is the ring the issue?” Coriolanus questions, “I was going to get you one in the Capitol”, he reasons. 

A grunt of frustration leaves your throat. You would have screamed if not for Loretta in the next room. 

“I feel as if I am going insane. You have poisoned everyone around me. I have no one to turn to”.

“You have me” he refutes, taking a step closer, “I would never let anything happen to you”.

“Because you love me right?” you mock. 

“That’s right”, he confirms softly. 

“Then leave” you beg, “If you loved me, you would leave. You wouldn’t do this”.

Coriolanus scoffs at you, rolling his eyes as if it was a bad joke. 

“Do what exactly? He demanded, “Sometimes I think you dream things to complain about”.

“You’re unwell”, you whisper in fright. 

“I am perfectly fine. If you remember our previous conversation, it’s you who is the outsider. I’ve not turned anyone against you. I have given you everything you have asked for, everything you could ever want. Promised you and your cousin a better life. People aren’t turned against you, they are confused by you”. He takes a breath from his rant, rubbing his face in frustration. 

Coriolanus sighs deeply, before taking a step closer to you, close enough to take hold of your wrist.

“I understand that you need time. You’ve been self-reliant for most of your life. I can imagine what that does to a woman's self-esteem and ability to submit. You’ve been in charge, and now it's hard to let go. Tigress gave me similar difficulties. I understand, I do. But my patience has its limits, and you are coming to the end of it. Be careful what you say from now on”.

You can feel the fright in your bones. A familiar shaking feeling coursing through your frame. You nod unsure on what else you could do. 

Coriolanus accepts it, bending down and placing a small kiss to your lips.

“You’ll see” he promises. 

Your wrist is released and Coriolanus goes back to the kitchen table. 

Loretta left her game there, he winds it up, watching as the fish chatter around in the plastic sea. 

“Let’s not fight”, he says, “keep the money for a rainy day.”

He picks up the plastic, miniature fishing rod gesturing it out to you. 

“Loser finishes the dishes?”. 

You had just finished putting Loretta to sleep.The bed time routine became harder due to Coriolanus presence. She wanted to play longer, sleep with her toys. She wanted Coriolanus to read her the bedtime story which you refused in anger. 

Coriolanus sat at the kitchen table after completing the dishes and perused his book while he waited for you. 

You had slowly begun creeping out as he reviewed it for the second time. 

“Would you like a cup of tea?”, you offered him. 

“No, thank you” Coriolanus responds. He scraps back his chair after you pass the back of it and holds out his right arm towards you.

”Come here, I want to show you something”, he states. 

You knew he wanted you to sit on his lap but you deliberately sat in the chair next to him. 

If it bothered him, he didn’t show it.  He just pushed his chair back into the table and slid the book between you. 

The bound book had a long name of a firm written across its cover. Coriolanus flipped the page too quickly for you to decipher the cursive. 

A couple of the pages were already tabbed and he quickly flipped to the first one. 

“What is this?” You ask him, looking at the pictures of the large houses and their marketing descriptions. 

“Properties for us back in the Capitol. This one is right in the heart of the city. Mrs Vongurt will love that. It’s an apartment though. 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms, roof top pool for Loretta”.

You look at the pictures. You did not belong there. The only reason you should be in a house that grand is for cleaning. 

“It’s close to the school I want to send Loretta to but I kind of have my heart set on this one”, he flips the page to one marked with two tags. The pictures showed more open space than the last. The cleaning would be much more onerous. 

“My family would only be two streets away. We would have a big backyard, and be away from the noise of the city. We could build a pool for Lorretta. A better one, just for her”, he touched your arm gently. His finger lightly grazing your arm. “I could see us there for the long term. Enough space to grow a family”. 

You picture scrubbing the wooden floors with a baby strapped to your back in a sling. Loretta grown and Coriolanus hands against her skin. 

You jump from the table at the picture, racing outside to cool your panic. You felt so hot, your ears and face burned. It felt as if a heavy weight was placed on to of your body, squeezing the air out of you. 

You fling yourself around the pillar of your house. It was frozen from the cold, the coolness melting into your skin. You suck the cold air in. Your instinct was to flee but you wouldn’t leave Loretta by herself. 

“Are you alright?”, you hear him ask behind you.

He gathers your hair into one hand, bunching it in his fist and holding it in a bun against the back of your head.

”I am sorry, I didn’t think choosing a house would bring you so much anxiety. I’lll take care of it. Don’t worry”, he offers. 

You knock his hand away from your head, your hair dropping back around your neck. 

“Please just leave” you beg. 

“No”, he says sharply, “No, I am not leaving you in this state. Come inside. You’ll catch a cold”.

He wraps his arms around you, forcing you to release your hold of the pillar and enter the house. You remember how excited you were when you first moved it. You had thought this would be your forever home. That Loretta would grow up between the walls and find refuge here in later years.

Now all of that was changing. You were entering into a new world you weren’t sure you could protect her in. 

He sits you on the couch, throwing the decorative blanket across your shoulders. 

“There now, no reason to panic”, he tells you. 

“I don’t want to think about the Capitol”, you admit to him. 

”Okay” he agrees softly, nodding his head.

He moves from in front of you to the cushion next to you, placing a hand on your knee. 

“Maybe tomorrow, I could come with you to pick Lorretta up from school. We could go get an ice-cream in town?”.

You nod once, knowing there was no real choice. 

“I’m going to bed”, you state, already beginning to rise. 

Coriolanus arm stretched out in front of you to the other side of the couch, 

“Right now?” He questions, “I only just got you. An hour, just an hour more”. 

“I would like to sleep”, you sigh. 

His arm moves to the cushion he half sat on, throwing it to the arm of the couch behind you. He then bends down, scooping your ankles into his hold and positioning them across his lap. 

“I wish you had more than that one bed”, he states. His fingers begin digging into the pad of your feet, kneading the mussels. You attempt to sit up right but he refuses to allow your feet off his lap. 

“Sleep. I’ll put you to bed before I leave”, he sighs as he massages your feet, something was bothering him.

“Is something wrong?” you ask him. 

 “I am worried about Mungo”, he states, “He’ll be crushed if he doesn’t pass this round. I wont be around to help him pass next year”.

You had no idea what to say. You hoped he didn’t pass. 

“Even worse, what if he does pass the exams but can’t pass the physical”. 

Coriolanus looks at you in your perplexed state. You had no idea who he was talking about or why he cared if Mungo passed or not. 

“Sorry”, he says, “I shouldn’t dump this on you”

”Mungo’s your friend?” You ask him.

”Hm, yes”, Coriolanus answers. 

“He will be fine. Practice makes perfect”.

”Perfect practice makes perfect”, he corrects, “and Mungo’s practice is far from perfect. Continuing the same mistakes a hundred times wont help him”.

”Officer training is hard. Everyone knows that. Very few pass the first time”.

”Far from his first time. He’s from district 10. His literacy skills are abominable. I worry about Lorretta too. We will have to get her tutors so she can catch up to the Capitol children”, his eyes flick to you, remembering what you said moments ago, “sorry”.  

Your heart began to rise again. The Capitol will surely eat Loretta alive. 

“How are you going to explain a child in your life? Your Capitol friends will know she isn’t yours. That she is district”. 

“She is mine”, Coriolanus snaps, “And the Capitol is large. People live on the outskirts of the city.  We will simply tell people that your father is in trade so you live close to the rail. That he asked us to take Loretta back to the city with us so not to deprive her from society as he did you”.

”she is too young to understand”, you argue, “leave us here. We will join you when she is older and less likely to out your lie”.

You could tell you annoyed him by the way his body locked and his eyes darkened. 

“I thought you were tired. Go to sleep”, he commands. 

His fingers became stronger as they squeezed the bottom of your foot. 

“Coriolanus”, you reason, sitting up to face him. 

“Shut up” he tells you, “you and Loretta are coming back to the Capitol with me. That isn’t a question”. 

You lie back down, feeling the panic grow from your chest up to your throat. 

“I am sorry” he says softly after a moment, “I don’t mean to get cross. I just couldn’t bear going back without you”.  

His fingers continued to massage as he talks. You could feel his eyes upon you but you refused to look at him. 

“You should go” you tell him quietly. 

He scoffs at you. “Because of a small argument? I said I was sorry”. 

His frustration pricked the anxiety in you. You were never any good at conflict. 

You sit up again and offer him a small smile which at least gets his fingers going against your feet again. 

“No” you say, “because you are tired and it is late.  You should rest”. 

You slip your feet from him, planting them firmly on the ground. 

“You are my rest” he states. 

He picks up the blanket that had fallen on your lap and he uses it to herd you closer to him so you are resting against his side. 

With an arm resting over you, you are trapped in the spot.

“You feel cold” he frets, pulling the blanket tighter over your shoulders.  

You feel his fingers playing with your hair. Twirling the stand around his finger absentmindedly. 

“I love you very much,” he says. 

“I am tired”, you croak, a single tear rolls down your cheek. 

“Go to sleep. I’ve got you”, he promises. 

You squeeze your eyes shut and begin to count backward from one hundred. On your third round you begin to lose the numbers as you drift slowly off to sleep listening to his soft breaths. 

He makes good on his promise to put you to bed. The next morning you wake tucked in with Loretta. 

Coriolanus was cautious about what was shown to Loretta. If he had an issue with you, he would stew until Loretta went to bed before addressing it. 

You soon grew to hate bedtime. Loretta was allowed to stay up later which put her in a terrible mood in the morning. But at some point the child had to go to bed, meaning you were left with Coriolanus. 

“I have a gift for you”, he states, getting up from the table where you were having your nightly tea. 

He pulls the box from his bag, sitting back down before giving it to you. 

“Is it the gold necklace I wanted?’ You asked him. 

You thought it was odd when he only presented Loretta with a gift today. He now provides the catalogs letting you and Loretta sit at the table and circle what you wanted. You chose heavy metals and other items of easy trade. 

”Better” he states, taking another sip of his tea.

When you opened the lid you saw a pair of large sparkling pink diamonds sitting in a velvet cushion.  

“From one of your latest cutouts. I believe you paired it with a ball gown but that will have to wait for another special occasion”.

He lifts the box up to you, holding it in one hand and brushing his other hand against your neck. His fingers hook around the back of your neck and his thumb brushes against your ear. 

”Oh, thank you” you say softly, “Diamonds aren’t really district wear either. Gold and silver are the fashion here. The cutouts are only imaginary”. 

Coriolanus sighs, throwing the box on the table and leaning against his hands as he looks at you. 

“Diamonds are too hard to move, right?” He questioned in a tone that told you he already knew. 

“What?” You shifted uncomfortably in your chair, wanting nothing more than to leave. “I am sorry. They are beautiful”.

You reach for the box on the table, opening the fallen lid to gaze at the earrings. 

“Thank you”, you say with a smile. 

“Gold you can melt down- reuse” he continues, “Silver, copper. All valuable on the black market. Diamonds through, well they’re harder to disguise, aren’t they?”.

You shake your head, placing the box back on the table and taking careful measure to not meet his eye. 

“Are they? I wouldn’t know”. You attempt to rise but his hand latches out to your wrist, commanding you to stay. 

“You think I don’t know what you are doing? Why Lorretta keeps asking for toys outside out of age group. Gold statues of people she doesn’t even know. You failed to get a visa so you’ve turned to the black market to get a fake one or do you plan to be smuggled out?”, his voice was tight with anger but he spoke in an almost hushed tone. 

His hold turned tighter as he spoke, almost crushing the bone of your wrist. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about”, you try. 

“It’s dumb. And sure to get you and Loretta killed”.

You tug your wrist but he refuses to release you. Unable to stop yourself, you rise from your chair. Your flight sense overpowering you. 

“I am sorry. I love the earrings”, you slightly panic.  

His eyes roll over your form before he releases your wrist and slumps against the table. 

“I won’t bring anything anymore. You can explain to Loretta why that is”. 

You nod. You didn’t want him bringing anything anyway. It was better that Loretta have no reason to favour him. 

He rubs his hands over his face before straightening in his chair. 

”I am tired”, he admits to you. 

“Maybe you should go back” you tell him, “to rest”.

”What are you going to do when we live together? How will you command me off then?”

You could tell his day was stressful. He arrived later than usual.

“I wouldn’t dare command you. It was a suggestion is all”. 

He calls as you turn to walk away, “come here”.

He kicks his chair out on an angle so he was free from the table. You obey his command, walking back over to him where you were led to his lap. Placed awkwardly on his thigh with his arm lassoed around your waist to keep you there. 

“You are not a rebel”, he tells you, calmer than before. “I am just trying to protect you. Black market providers will take and take from you. I have been speaking to the Vongurts, we think  after this, that it may be best for you and Loretta to stay at the Manor".

”What? No” you attempt to rise but his arm prohibits you.

”What other option am I left with?” He asks you, “It was a very stupid mistake. One I am having a hard time forgiving”. 

“I didn’t do anything”, you defend, ‘You cannot make decisions and expect me to follow through on them”.

His hand on your face stills you in your fight to be free. 

“Tomorrow Loretta is going to the Vongurts. You can go with her or you can see her on the train back to the Capitol”. 

“Fuck you” you spit unexpectedly. 

You gasp as soon as the words leave your mouth. You had never stepped out of like before. 

“I-I” you stutter, unsure where to go next. 

“It’s alright” he assured. 

Your heart hammered in your chest. Your nerves felt electrical under your skin. Would he tell the vongurts? Would you be in trouble? 

His thumb moves over your cheek bone, brushing back to the top of your ear in a hold. 

“Everything is alright” he tells you. 

Breathing becomes too hard. You settle for shallow breaths which doesn’t help the pain in your chest. 

In true fashion, tears fall from your eyes before you can name the sob rising from your chest. 

He pulls you into him, so your head was in the crook of his neck and his shirt collected your tears. 

“Oh my darling. I am not mad at you. I understand” he soothed, “I know this is a big change for you and Loretta. I know you were only doing what you thought was best but you leave that to me now. I’ll never let anything happen to my girls”. 

“I never asked for this. I never wanted it” you sobbed, clutching at his shirt. 

“Ohh” he laughs, “big burden, is it? Being loved?”. 

His mockery made your ears burn but you would never call him on it. 

“My sweet girl” he sighs, petting the side of your head, “I’ve looked into medication to calm your anxiety. I don’t want you on it in the Capitol but if you wanted I can have it delivered to the district to help you with the transition period”. 

You shook your head hard against him. The last thing you needed was to be disoriented. How would you protect Loretta in such a state. 

“No” you tell him, “I’m fine. I’ll stop”, you promise but the tears won’t stop coming. 

“I am sorry” you cry when you can’t stop a loud sob from escaping. 

He shhs you gently, continuing to pet you. 

“Don’t cry. The Capitol isn’t as scary as you seem to think it is. We’ll be happy there. Loretta will be safe there”.

“Coriolanus, I am sorry. Please don’t do anything,” you beg of him. 

“I would never hurt you, you know that”, he contends, “ I wasn’t forcing the medication on you, it was only an offer. And you should go to the Vongurts. I think it would help. Vongurt is also going to need the name of the market dealer”. 

You tense at the thought of throwing the man under the bus. He was trying to help you. That’s all. He wasnt trying to rob you as Coriolanus claimed. 

“There was no market dealer”, you lie.

“I am not a fool Y/n, and neither is Vongert. Unexplained absences, suddenly accepting my gifts with pleasure but only if they are silver and gold metal. I haven't seen half of the presents I brought for Loretta. I imagine they have been stripped for parts. My, I wonder what you could be doing”. 

Your cheeks burn with embarrassment. You could throw up if your body ever unlocked itself. 

“If you dont want to give it to Vongurt, you can tell me and I will pass it along. No one will ever speak of it again”. 

“I don’t have a name. He never gave it”, this was at least true but you wondered if it would be good enough. 

“A description, a location, the name of the person who introduced you. Anything that might help Vongurt forgive you. They are quite upset”.

“Then why would I stay with them?”, you badger. 

“Because they personally want to make sure you don’t do anything further that is stupid that could put you or Lortetta in danger. They also love you”, he states, “it’s getting to the final days here. I am sure they want to spend as much time as they can before we leave”.

“When?” you whisper with tears forming in your eyes.

“The physical is next Monday. The induction ceremony the week after that. We would be on the train the next day”. 

You think about making him promise to send you back the second he is bored with you, or swear to never touch Loretta, but what good would his promise be? He could do anything he liked at any time. 

Your body shook with another sob, Coriolanus hold got tighter.

The next morning he was at your door early with a borrowed car. 

You had not packed. You were unable to force your body to throw what you could into a bag. Seeing him there gives you the energy to grab what you could. He helps Loretta pack.  The small girl chatters around him while he holds out items in question. 

The ride there is silent. Coirolanus reaches out to take hold of your hand but his eyes remain on the road.

The manner is quickly reached although Coriolanus drove at a slow speed. 

The Vongurts were by the open door, their servants waiting on the gravel to receive the incoming guests. 

In shame you withdrew your hand from Coriolanus and leaped for the door before one of your fellow coworkers could do it for you. 

None of them made eye contact with you as you circled the car and retrieved Loretta from her seat.

The shame was too much. You were a victim not a traitor you wanted to tell them. Instead you silently marched onwards away from their avoidance.  

Mr Vongurt stood under the archway, watching as you made your way to the steps. 

Mrs Vongurt was trapped in the hallway behind him. She bounced with excitement, not sharing her husband's stern exterior. 

Coriolanus got the bags out of the car, allowing you to hold on to Loretta. 

You try to smile but your lips can only form a thin line. 

“Good morning”, you greet softly as you approach. 

Mr Vongurt grips your upper arm in a painful hold, bringing you solely under his intense gaze. You release Loretta in case she needed to escape but the child clings to your dress, burring her head in the fabric. 

“A name” he demands. 

“Octavous,” his wife scolds, “let the child get through the door first”. 

Mrs Vongurt reaches under her husband to take Loretta through the entryway and away from the scene but Loretta refuses to go.

The child screeches as she is touched by Mrs vongurt. 

“Please” you beg. 

Loretta releases your dress, running back down the steps to Coriolanus as he approaches the scene. 

Coriolanus picks her up, carrying her back over in the safety of his arms. 

“A name!,” Mr Vongurt boomed.

“No,” you refuse. 

“No?” he questions, “after everything we have done for you, you go consorting with rebels. I could have you hanged like your parents”.

“Octavous!” Mrs. Vongurt gasps. 

Coirolanus finally reaches the scene, placing his hand on top of Mr Vongurts arm.

“Sir, please let her go” Coriolanus requests. 

The older man does but his body remains blocking the door. 

“Where should they put the bags?” he redirects. 

Mr Vongurt has lost his anger after his comment about your parents. You could see the regret in his eyes. 

Coirolanus wraps an arm around your waist, resting his hand on your hip. 

“The east wing. The rooms with the conjoining wall”, he spoke loud enough for the servants to hear. 

Your colleagues begin to make haste. Trying to move out of the area as soon as possible. 

“I want to know who” vongurt spoke softly to Coriolanus. 

“I know. But nows not the time”, Coriolanus returned. 

“Is there any food?” Coriolanus asked trying to ease the tension.

“Yes, my darling, yes” Mrs Vongurt exclaimed, “Come in”.

Mr Vongurt stepped out of the way, allowing the group to pass him. 

He remains under the arch way, moving in the opposite direction as your cross the threshold. 

“Bring my car out!” He screams to one of the passing servants. 

“Oh ignore him” Mrs Vongurt advised, gently pressing on your shoulder to keep you moving forward, “Miseriable old thing”. 

You hear Loretta whimper into Coriolanus’ shoulder. Life had been peaceful for the two of you before him. 

You were led to the hosting room where food and tea was presented between lavish floral displays. In the corner rows of dresses were hung on racks covering the long back wall. 

“oh I am just so excited to have you here.  I cried for months when you moved out with Loretta. Although I of course understood. Sit, sit” Mrs Vongurt rambles. 

Loretta doesn’t pop her head off Coriolanus shoulder, nor does he make any attempt to seat her in her own seat. He sits her on his lap at the table, her feet dangling behind him. 

You didn’t like the position at all.

”Loretta, Loretta” Mrs Vongurt called, rubbing the small girls back. 

“Look at all the stuff I brought you” she said, “I thought we could play dress up”.

Loretta lifts her head, now looking around the room until her eyes hit the racks. Her body wiggles trying to get off, Coriolanus lift her off, placing her on the floor next to Mrs Vongurt who takes the child’s hand. 

“Do I get to keep one, Mrs Vongurt?” Loretta almost begs. 

“One? You get to keep them all my dear. And it’s Vivi, Granny Vivi.Your other grandmother is called Grandma’am. Vivi and Grandma’am”.

Loretta looks back at you unsure what Mrs Vongurt was hinting at. 

“Oh well, you’ll meet her. Very soon. Back in the Capitol” Vongurt explains to the child. 

“Both of your grandma’s are dead, Loretta” you state, “there is no one else”.

Coriolanus reaches for your hand, giving it a tight squeeze. 

“What your cousin means to say” Coriolanus interjects, “is that the Vongurts and my grandmother are going to step in to be your grandparents from now on. You also have an aunty back in the Capitol just dying to meet you”.

”WOW so cool” Loretta exclaims. She throws her arms around Mrs Vongurt’s leg in a hug which brought tears to the older women, 

“Come on, my darling” Mrs Vongurt cooed, “lets see what you have”. 

She leads your child to the clothes allowing you a moment to think. 

You attempt to yank your hand free but Coriolanus refuses to let go. It became painful to fight so you rested your caught hand on your lap. 

“You’re making this hard for Loretta” he critiqued you, “and you’re being unfair to Mrs Vongurt”.

You sigh, He was right. Mrs Vongurt has treated you like a daughter until the arrival of her son. 

“I know. I am sorry”, you state. You were sorry. The last person you wanted to hurt was Mrs Vongurt. You knew she never made any real decision. 

His thumb brushes over the back of your hand in a feather touch that made you shiver. 

“I will talk to Mr Vongurt for you”, he offers, “see if I can get his mind off a name”.

”Thank you”, you breathe. You could never betray someone like that. Your own parents saw the noose because another saved their own skin. 

Coriolanus dips to kiss you. Your lips remain unmoved as he pecks his lips against yours. 

“I love you. Everything will be alright”, he promises. 

You knew he was earnest but disbelieved him nonetheless. 

The guest room had a conjoining wall meaning that you could open it between you and Loretta. You still slept with her in the king sized bed, surrounded by pillows and heavy lush blankets. 

You had made the bed a hundred times and never once thought about sleeping it in. Now you were treated as a guest in a house that you used to spend hours shining and doing your best to stay invisible when actual guests arrived. 

Loretta fell right to sleep after her big day but your anxiety rushed within you. Your breathing wouldn’t level, let alone slow enough for sleep.

You hear the wall roll back earning your attention. Mr Vongurt push his head into the dark, illumined by the light behind him. 

You quickly rise. Thankfully your pajamas were nice enough to be seen in.

He retreats back into the room once you rise allowing you to come to him. 

“Mr Vongurt, is everything alright?’, you ask, closing the wall back to block the light from waking Loretta. 

For a moment you held hope that he would offer to take you away. To hide you and Loretta until Coriolanus left. But the hope was foolish and you knew better. 

“As well as being betrayed can be”, he sniped, “Child what you did was foolish and irresponsible but I shouldn’t have grabbed you, nor made the comment about your parents. I am sorry for that”.

”I never betrayed you, At least I never wanted to. I just wanted to be free. To make sure Loretta was safe”.

”safe?” Mr Vongurt interrupted, “You think what you did was safe?”

”You betrayed me” you asserted, “by giving me to that man without a thought”

Vongurts mouth dropped, a genuine look of surprise dawned across his face. Did he really not know what he did?

“Coriolanus is a fine man.  I couldn’t have picked a finer man myself. A good man who will look after you and Loretta. Keep Loretta from the games. He’s taking you back to the Capitol to live as a free woman. Without him none of this would be possible. He has answered every prayer we had. We have a son, a daughter and a grandchild. And you want to ruin it because you are a foolish, selfish, little girl who thinks she knows better”. 

“I do not love him” you declare.

”Pretend” Mr Vongurt demands.

”He is not well. He will hurt us”.

”He is a man in love. I have never known a sane man in love”.

”He assaulted me” you say in a soft voice. Tears weep from your eyes as you recall the memory. Mr Vongurts shoulders droop as he listens on. A solemn look crosses his face but his eyes remain convicted of his cause. 

“He is a man”, Mr Vongurt reasons softly back, “he needs you”.

Your heart shatters as he defends your tormentor. You were trapped with no apparent way out. 

“I’ve already told him I expect marriage within a year, and Loretta to be legally adopted by him. Both to which he readily agreed. This is yours and Lorretta only chance of a better life. I can’t give it to you. He can. Be kinder to him. Look after him and he will look after you and Loretta”. 

You hiccup through your tears. The large room seemed to close in around you. 

Mr Vongurt pulls you into a hug. His tight squeeze pushing the air from your lungs. 

”I wish you all the happiness in the world” he declares, “just don’t let it slip through your fingers”. 

With a kiss to your check he lets you go, telling you to go back to bed, and forget the fight between you today. 

Coriolanus shows up at breakfast time the next day. He walks causally in offering you a sweet smile as his eyes feel upon you. 

“So?So?” Mrs Vongurt squeals in her seat.

You hadn’t realised the results would be released today. Mrs Vongurt had been quiet at the table but you had thought it was because Loretta would not stop talking. 

“I’ve been told to prepare for the worst hour of my life”, he grins. 

Mrs Vongurt screams, jumping up from the table in glee. 

Coriolanus crosses the floor, taking a seat next to you and stealing a kiss as he sat. 

“We must celebrate!” She declares, “have a party. I think I still have some champagne from Mr Vongurts birthday”. 

“I can’t stay long” he tells you in a soft tone while Mrs Vongurt babbles on, “but I will be back tonight. I don’t have to worry about points anymore”.

Coriolanus takes your hand in his, interlocking your fingers on your lap.

”Mungo passed too”, he sounded relieved, “we’re going to map out the course. See what we are up against”.

”back tonight?” You repeat. 

“Hm yes”, he confirms, stealing your toast, “around dinner time. Try to keep her within reason”, he speaks loud enough for Mrs Vongurt to hear, “fireworks and dancers to the minimum", he jested, rising from his seat. 

“Oh hush”, Mrs Vongurt dismisses. 

“They’ll be fireworks?” Loretta asked excitedly. 

“See what you’ve done?” Mrs Vongurt scolded. She bends down to explain scarasum to Loretta who sat more interested in her danish. 

Coriolanus laughs, taking another bite of your toast. 

“I’ll make it up to her”. He brings your intertwined hand up to his mouth for a kiss before releasing it in favour of two steps back. 

He reaches down to pat Loretta heads, and give Mrs Vongurts shoulder a firm squeeze as to not interrupt her. 

“I’ll see you” he says to you, “let Loretta have the day off school day. It’s a big moment”. 

Lorretta squeals once more at the news, the fireworks long forgotten. 

“Horray” the group cheers as the cork of the champagne is popped. 

Mr Vongurt pours the gold liquid into the flutes, while Mrs Vongurt passes Loretta a flute filled with apple juice. 

The glasses are passed to the adults. Coriolanus stood next to you, an arm around your waist in a casual manner while he accepts it with thanks. 

“To my boy”, Mr Vongurt toasts, “never doubted you for a second but hoped there would be a second round”. 

“Octavous’, his wife complains. 

“So he would stay longer, not because I am jealous”, he defends. 

“Thank you, sir” Coriolanus graciously accepts, “I hope to be half the leader you are one day”.

”How to kiss ass in one of your practice papers?” Vongurt ribs. 

Coriolanus finishes his sip to answer, “chapter 11”.

Vongurt laughs, slapping Coriolanus on the back. 

“Yeah, well, brains will only get you half way.  Next Monday we will see if you have the discipline to finish". 

“We’re proud of you regardless” Mrs Vongurt confirms, “very few rise as fast as you have”.

”Y/n?” Mr Vongurt calls, “Care to say something?”.

”Not really”, you state softly. 

Coriolanus laughs. He is the only one. 

“Take a sip”, he commands, “Have you had champagne before?”

’No”, you confirm, taking a sip. It was fizzy at first but smoothed down into a sweet taste. 

Coriolanus clinks his glass against yours, “first of many”.

Coriolanus quickly changes topics. Redirecting conversation to Mr Vongurts physical and then discussions on what him and Mungo could piece together for this year's physical. You were grateful to be able to fade into the background. 

Loretta was occupied with her dollhouse. She wore a brand new, pink dress with lace and ruffles on the skirt. Something you could never afford.  She had more than enough food to eat, toys to play with. She was safe, warm, happy. Everything you ever wanted for her. It stung that you never gave her any of this. This was all him. 

It felt like her happiness was built on sand. He could rip everything away as fast as he gave it. How long would you be enough for? How long before he got bored and throws you away?

You feel his thumb rub circles on your hip bone, absentminded. Would you play his doll forever?

The night dragged on. You said little and was called on it only a few times. 

Bed time rolled around and you were insistent against everyone that Lorettas bedtime could not be extended. It was the first tantrum she had thrown since she was a baby. 

Coriolanus aided in getting her up stairs where you quickly kicked him from the room. Bed time was a nightmare but Loretta eventually went to sleep, liking you less than she did before. 

You could see the soft, warm, yellow light peaking out from under the conjoining wall. You knew Coriolanus was in your room, waiting. He wouldn’t leave. Not without what he came for. 

Your feet felt like cement as they led you to the room. The door was ajar waiting for you. 

Red rose petals covered the bed, spalled over the covers and pillows.  The bedside lamp was the only real source of light, helped by a few scent candles placed with care around the room. More champagne sat in an ice bucket on the nightstand. 

You entered as Coriolanus placed a dark blue box in the centre of the bed. You had come to know the brand as high end Capitol jewelry. He sought to buy himself out of another situation. 

“What are you doing?” You quake. 

He spins quickly with a gentle smile on his face, approaching you slowly.

”Loretta down?” He asks gently.

You think about running but where? No one here would help you, and you could never get Loretta out in time before you were caught. 

There was no way out of this for you. Your only option was to endure and hope it was quick. 

He softly takes your dead hand in his.

”I want you to know how special you are to me. You’ve made these last few months bearable. I’ve grown to think of you as a part of me. The best part”.

He doesn’t look at you as he speaks, his eyes are downcast to your feet but they flick up for the next part of his speech. 

“I would do anything for you. For your happiness. If you believe nothing, believe that. I know you don’t always see it that way but everything I do, I do with you in mind”.

Was he trying to convince you that this was for your benefit? you think to yourself. 

“I love you”, he declares, “more than I have ever loved anyone before. Everything has led me here, to this moment with you”.

Coriolanus starts to walk backwards towards the bed. Your stiff legs move slowly to follow. 

“If I had to do it all again, I would”, he stops by the end of the bed, releasing your hand to reach for the straps of your dress, pushing down the thin fabric to your shoulders, “for this, for you”.

He bends down, placing his lips to your neck, using force on the back of your shoulder to push you into him. At least he was finally done talking.  

You remain rigid, allowing this to happen. All that matters is Lorretta is safe in bed. Nothing else that happens tonight is relevant. 

With his hold he drops his weight on the bed, sitting down on the end. 

His kisses land against your mouth as he reaches for the back of your dress, zipping it down and pushing it to your waist. 

“I love you”, he declares again, placing a kiss against your chin. 

You sigh, laying down on the bed in defeat. 

He works on his uniform, throwing the material to the ground without care. Before reaching to pull the dress clean off your body. 

“I am going to get you out of here”, he promises, laying his body over yours, “You and Loretta. Take you back to the Capitol where it’s safe. Surround you with all the world has to offer”. 

His finger hooks around the waistline of your panties, tugging them down your legs and onto the floor. You gasp as he does. The sound making it way up from your throat under Coriolanus’ lips. 

“It’s okay”, he assures unclipping your brah next.  

Your body should have shook. You should be crying uncontrollably but instead you felt numb to it all. Nothing mattered. You had already lost. 

Painfully you bit into your lower lip just to feel something. 

”Don’t do that”, he commands, pulling your lip from your teeth with his thumb. 

“The first time is always scary. Just relax. I’ve got you”.

You feel his body separate as he reaches for the pillows, throwing all but two from the bed. 

“Here, get comfortable” he demands. 

In compliance you drag your naked form over the rose petals, laying down on the pillow with your eyes shut. 

He lets out a breath as you lay down, running his finger in circles on the top of your left breast. 

“You are so beautiful”, he states. 

“Just get on with it”, you beg. 

His finger slides between your folds. You were too dry to enter. 

He kneels between your legs, taking your thighs in a tight hold as he places his mouth against you. 

His tongue pushes inside of you, lapping up your taste. 

Your arms cross your chest, hiding your breasts from the cold air. You let out a whine that sounded like displeasure but he continued without breath. 

Your teeth found your lip again, this time biting hard enough to draw blood. 

His mouth moves warm and wet against you until you become warm and wet for him. 

He stops as soon as your moisture hits his tongue. He wanted you to last.

With a soft pant, he crawls back up your body to be level with you. 

He sighs seeing the split on your lower lip, the blood seeps into the torn gap, slowly swiping into your mouth. 

“Why did you do that?” He sighs, gently rubbing his thumb over the wound, “See? You don’t know what’s good for you”.

His curls tickle your face as he leans down next to your head, positioning himself in front of your entrance. 

“I’ve got you now. I’ll take care of you”. 

While he made efforts to ensure you were wet enough for him, the stretch of taking his length brought tears to your eyes. 

“I know, baby, I know. Just a little more”, he consoles sliding further in. 

Your finger dig into the skin of his shoulders while you adjust to him inside of you. You had thought little about your first time but never would have imagined this. 

When you felt his skin flush against yours, you knew he was fully inserted but all too soon, he was moving back, bringing himself nearly all the way out before thrusting back in again, hitting something inside of you that made you jolt. 

His body became hot over yours. It felt as if he had suffocated all the air around you. 

The squeak of the bed was low but still you worried it would wake Loretta. 

His fingertips felt bruising against the back of your leg, pulling you into each thrust. 

The space between your bodies was minimal. Sticky skin against sticky skin. 

He moans as he gains momentum which had your eyes shooting open so you could allocate his mouth and clamp a hand over it to silence him. 

‘Sh, Loretta’s asleep’ you beg. 

He makes no attempt to move it. Rocking into your hold as he maintains thrusts. 

As he draws closer to his end, his head lowers from your hand to your collarbone, going harder into you than before. 

You choke back a cry at the sensation but half of it strangles out of your mouth. 

”shh” he teases. 

Only heavy breaths were heard between you as you both reached climax. 

He hit it first with a low, deep groan. You followed quickly after him, silently,  with all your feelings squeezed from your fingers into his back. 

It was hot. Too hot. You longed for the cool air. Wanting nothing more than your breath back. 

Your legs break free from his hold, trying to launch him off you with a push on his hips with your feet, and a push on his shoulders with your hands. 

“Easy, you’re alright”, he says, “you’re safe”.

He rolls off you, onto the blue, rectangle box long forgotten. 

Pulling it from under his shoulder, he opens the lid, taking the Diamond tennis bracelet from it’s place and discarding the empty box to the floor.  

He lifts your limp wrist, clipping the bracelet around your wrist. As he places a kiss on the back of your hand, you yank it from his hold, forcing yourself to rise on shakly legs. 

“Get dressed” you demanded him as you claw for your clothes on the floor, “Loretta could wake”, you panic. 

You find his uniform jacket, pegging it at his head. He catches it with ease, listening to you by putting on his clothes. 

“I don’t think she will” he offers. 

“Quickly” you demanded of him, rushing to redress yourself. 

“Y/n” he calls, slowly approaching, “You’re alright”.

His hand reaches out to touch you, casting  a large shadow that covers the wall.

You jump away before it even had a chance to land. His hand hung in the air for an uncomfortable amount of time before slowly lowering. 

It felt better to have both of you dressed. Easier to ignore what just happened. 

Your fear choked you. Your eyes stung with tears but none came. 

“I need” you begin, your head swelling with thoughts. 

Your legs buckled beneath you forcing you to take a seat on the end of the bed. 

“What?” Coriolanus quizzed, kneeling down in front of you, “What do you need?”.

His hands on placed on either side of the bed but he is careful not to touch any part of you. 

“The pill’ you blubbered. He didn’t need a hint to know which pill you were referring to. 

“You need to get it”, you told him, “They wont let me outside of this house. It’s too hard. I can pay you, please, I can pay you”.

Coriolanus rises, moving quickly to his bag hung on the back of the vanity chair. He pulls out a plastic circular container, numbered for the days of the month. He took this job seriously researching all the different types of contraceptives and their side effects before finally settling on one. The most expensive one, of course, the best.   

‘’Here’’ he gestures out. You take it from him with shaky hands, trying to open the lid of the first compartment but the lid refuses to unhinge. 

Coriolanus takes it gently from you, opening it with ease and flipping the pill from the container into his hand to present to you. 

“The pill works over a 24 hour period so you can miss a day if you forget”, he explains as he pops and pours the champagne, “Few side effects. Maybe low energy as you adjust, I am told.” He comes back over with the flute, kneeling back down in front of you.

You take the glass, downing the pill with a swig of the champagne. 

“When we want to try for children, all you have to do is stop taking it for a month to allow your body to flush out the toxins. You need to continue to take one a day or else you’ll be sick” he mentions. 

“I was going to give it to you in the morning. I thought you might need rest”.

The morning, you think to yourself. Was he planning on staying the night? Sleep in your bed? Continue with what he started?

”Go’, you demanded, ‘please just go”. 

He looks taken aback by your request but remains calm and collected.

”No, I don’t think I should”, he states, “I think I should stay”.

”No”, you refute, “Please leave. I just want to be with Loretta”. 

The tears that stung your eyes finally fell in large, hot, drops against your cheek. 

He rises himself on his knees to your height, taking your face into his hands and brushing your tears away with his thumb. 

“Please don’t cry”, he begs, “tell me what’s wrong. Is it pain?”.

Before he get up to retrieve the medicine stashed in his bag, you confirm his fear that the issue wasn’t something so simple.

”I want to go home” you cry. 

“Look, it will all be over soon, okay? The physical is in two days. If I pass we’ll be on the train back to the Capitol in a week, if I fail we'll be on the train the next day. This is nearly over. We can begin our life shortly. Our life. One where you and Loretta are taken care of. Safe”.

“Please leave” you repeat your request once more, “Please”.

”Y/n, I don’t want to”, Coriolanus states.

”Please. I wont sleep” you assert, “I won’t rest. Not with you here”, a sniffle itches your nose. You knock his arm away to rub the back of your hand under it. 

“I need you to leave”, you beg. 

Coriolanus stands to his feet without a word and gathers his bag and shoes. 

“I hope one day you will realise I am not against you”, he states before leaving the room. 

You were too scared to open the door in case he was still outside, stewing in his anger. Instead you opened the conjoining wall and slid through to the darkness of Loretta room. 

You quieten your sobs the best you can. Laying down on the hard, wooden floor next to the tall bed in which Loretta slept, warm and unaware. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to join her, although you wanted nothing more than to hold her close. You were dirty, disgusting, unworthy to lie on anything but the cold hard ground. 

Soundlessly you ache on the floor, rolling yourself into a ball as if you were in physical pain. You made no attempt to stop him. You wont the next time he tries either. You will just lie there and take it like a coward. Your parents would be so disappointed. Your aunt would be close to rage. You had failed to protect her little girl like you had promised so long ago. But you were scared. So scared. 

You weren’t smart enough to save Lorretta. You weren’t brave enough. You weren’t enough. Coriolanus would grow tired of you soon. It was the Vongurts affection that had him caught. Once you were removed from it, he would soon start seeing you as a district in the Capitol. What then? What fate would he have you and Lorretta facing? 

Your grief suffocates you until exhaustion takes its place.

Coriolanus didn’t visit the next day. When it hit 5PM you knew he wasn’t going to visit at all and you could breathe. 

The day before the physical the compound was shut down to set up. Coriolanus needed to be back before 5 and locked in or he would forfeit his place.

He tossed in his bunk below Mungo. He should be thinking of tomorrow but his mind was on you. Your strange reactions to your first night. He had done everything right

Maybe he was too quick with his intent. Maybe he should have allowed you a glass of champagne first. Ease into the night with some gentle conversation. But you laid down quickly. Made no attempt to stop him. How was he supposed to know he was going too fast. You told him to get on with it. 

Coriolanus sighs, tossing to his side. You had treated him like a monster. It was one thing to react negatively to a new situation, it was another to banish someone who was only trying to help. You never let him help. No matter how competent he showed himself to be, you always saw him as opposition, not a partner. 

He loved you. So gentle, so kind. You wouldn’t survive ten seconds in the hunger games, and that’s what he loved the most. You were not built for this world. He only wanted to ensure that you were safe. He had given up on happiness, that was something only you could obtain for yourself. He would settle for safe, fed and warm. 

You could hate him. He didn’t care. He knew what needed to be done. Emotions couldn’t get in the way of logic. You could feel any sort of way about his decisions so long as you obeyed them. 

He tosses again to his other side. It wouldn’t always be like this. Once you are settled in the Capitol, surely your anxiety will be released. Everyone would soon settle into a happy little family. The past life long forgotten. He himself was looking forward to forgetting all that he could. 

Of the 20 that took the written, only 5 made it to the physical. 

Henry was unfortunately among them. Looking mean and determined as he gazed out across the obstacle course that began the test. 

Large banners hung everywhere, barricades were set up to separate the contestants from the audience of peacekeepers,and to guide the men as they made their way to the finish line. 

Mr Vongurt stood with some other officials in front of the barricades in the shade offered by the decorative archway.

The men were forced to stand on a white line while they waited to be addressed. Mungo’s hands shook slightly but he otherwise stood tall and ready. 

“Gentlemen” a man called as he made his way along the line. He was dressed in the highest ranking colour of a deep black with numerous colourful metals displayed across his chest. He wore no hat despite the sun but wore large sunglasses that reached his grey sideburns to his grey stubble. 

“Welcome to the worst hour of your life”, he repeats the catchphrase,

“you make it through this, and you can tell your mama it was worth it. You don’t,  better luck next year”.

He stops pacing in the middle, staring directly down. 

“You have one hour to get through. One hour exactly, I don’t care if you are a millisecond over, you are out. You will start with the course”, he gestures behind him, “then take a nice 5 kilometre run before cooling off by crossing the yander river. From there, you can start making your way to the finish line, hopefully in time. There will be no stopwatch, gentlemen, no warning, you will make it in time or you will not. Now you should have received your clicker. If you did not, now is the time to tell me. No? Good. Should any of you decide to whimper out that button will send a helipad to your location, and take you back to medicamp where you will have time to decide how you will do better next year”.

Coriolanus feels the anxiety but assures himself its fine. He was in good health. His stamina was excellent having walked long distances most of his life. The yander river had a strong current but was filled with rocks and overhanging branches. After that all he had to do was worry about the time. 

This assurance was soon squashed when he noticed higher offices approaching with weighted vests.

”You didn’t think it was that easy did you boys?” The commander mocked watching as the group panicked as the vest was secured tightly against them.

 It was 5kg at least. Heavy enough to knock the breath as it was latched on. As the final latch was secured. Coriolanus heard something shutter. 

“These vests are not to come off. I don’t care if you snag a tree or a tree snake finds it’s way under. You take it off it, we will know and you will be disqualified”. 

Mungo breaths heavy next to Coriolanus, huffing out harsh breaths, ready to take off. 

“All right, that’s enough talk” the man declares, reaching for his gun from his holster and taking a step out of the way. 

“See you at the finish line” he states, before the gun in fired in the air. 

The group took off, sprinting despite the weight that would soon kill. 

They first leap over cylinder obstacle  bouncing from one to the next, a quick sprint to the next where they leaped over a large hole in the ground. Up a ramp to a rope where one fell unable to support the additional weight. 

Coriolanus and Mungo didn’t stop, running on to the large wall which they climbed and sprung themselves over. 

“Lets go, my friend” Mungo shouts. 

Coriolanus wanted to tell him to conserve his breath but he was unable to spare his. 

They are met with more leaps from one cylinder to the next. 

Coriolanus guesses they are intended to shorten the contestants breaths which was working quite well. 

Next he dropped to the floor, wiggling himself under barbed wire in  competitive time. The roar of the crowd is deafening. He can’t hear Mungos gasping breaths but he could see how his chest puffed almost to the wire. 

More cylinders, another higher wall climb where they had to leap across to points lower themselves before they could land safety from the height. 

Finally, they were through. Henry had made it first, sprinting off into the forest. Coriolanus was glad to see the back of him. He had knocked Mungo every opportunity he could get, throwing his friend off balance. If it wasn’t for shear determination Mungo may have fallen and got hurt. 

“Come on”, Coriolanus gasps, urging Mungo on.

The run was silent. Only gasping breaths and birds. The crowd long behind as they made their way down the rocky path. 

Coriolanus wasn’t sure what happened to the other contestants. None of them caught up. 3 miles in, he heard a helipad fly past, he only wondered if it was one or both of them who had given up. 

The river was a glad site. Sweat poured off both of them, and their lungs burned begging to stop. Mungo fell to his knees. But began crawling towards the river. 

“It’s alright” Coriolanus gasped, “catch your breath, we have time”.

The obstacle course was maybe 10 minutes. The run he guessed about 35. 

The river would take two minutes to cross. It raged but it wasn’t wide. 

Coriolanus assessed the situation. If they just tried to swim they would be swept away. They would need to work with the current, use the boulders stuck in the river bank as much as possible. 

He finds two strong branches on the ground, passing one to Mungo.

”We have to start up stream” he directs. 

“No” Mungo huffs, ‘it will take too much time”.

”It will take longer if we fight against the current. We don’t have the strength of Henry, we can’t force our way across” 

“We have to. We don’t have time”.

”Trust me” Coriolanus demands, pushing Mungo forward, “I will get us across”.

Mungo does follow watching as the bank drifts away. 

Coriolanus sticks his branch into the mud bank, using it to anchor him across until he could reach the rock. Mungo copies closely behind. 

With the weight of the vest and the rush of the water, Coriolanus thinks he may be pulled under. Imagine doing all that he has done to die doing something so stupid and irrelevant. He thinks about reaching for his clicker but his pride doesn’t allow him to.

He pushed on until there were no more rocks to seek shelter from. The water was freezing and strong. They had to get out of it soon. 

“We are going to let the water carry us down to the bank”, Coriolanus advised, “keep pushing until you are as close as you can get”. 

Coriolanus went first, forging his way across the current. The time it took for the Current to carry him to his destination was short, he only just managed to grab a vine and pull himself to the mud bank.

Mungo stayed frozen against the rock. Unable to let go. 

Seeing Coriolanus make it, gave him courage enough to attempt. Like a dog he trailed across kicking in big ugly attempts to get close enough. 

It was clear he didn’t know how to swim. The thought didn’t cross Coriolanus mind until he saw his friend start to go under. 

Coriolanus forces his way back into the current, placing faith in the vine in his hand. Mungo was bopping in and out of the water, fighting hard to move across. His hand and shoulder is pushed back by the water but he forces himself to remain rigid until he felt the material of Mungos vest. With a hold on thick shoulder of the vest, Coriolanus pulled himself and Mungo from the water. His shoulder felt as if it was tearing from the pressure. But he was able to pull Mungo close enough so the man could gain footing and crawl himself to the shore.

They huff side by side not saying anything as they recover. Coriolanus' shoulder ached. His frantic mind kept playing him images of you and Loretta in the water which gave him a choking feeling. 

“Thank you, my friend”, Mungo finally spoke.

”Get up” Coriolanus pants, crawling to his knees himself, “.we have to go”

That took too long. Coriolanus was unable to even guess how much time they have. 

The men take off, running with new adrenaline in their system. Their pace meant they caught Henry who was walking with a broken body to the finish line. 

Hearing them behind him, invigorated him to push his body into a running pace.

Coriolanus was correct to assume that Henry used all his strength to push past the current. His pace was slow and looked painful, the pair were easily able to catch up and pass him. 

Coriolanus hears him growl as he does. It was unexpected when Coriolanus vest was grabbed and yanked back. It floored him although the pressure wasn't that great. 

Henry was on top of him in a second, reaching for the release latch of his vest.

”Some Capitol boy going to upstage me”, Henry roared. 

Coriolanus fought to keep Henry from gaining access to rip the latch up. He was almost there, it couldn’t end like this. From him, no less. 

”Pretty little, soft blooded, mamma’s boy”, Henry snapped, throwing repeated punches to Coriolanus face to distract from his defence of the latch. 

Coriolanus was nothing if not disciplined. Mungo was nothing if not loyal. 

Despite the time, Mungo ventured back seeing his friend in trouble. He tackles Henry from Coriolanus scrapping with him on the ground, allowing Coriolanus to catch his breath and wits. 

Henry was much large and stronger than Mungo, it was only a matter of time before positions were switched, leaving Mungo on the ground getting his face pounded in. 

Coriolanus picks up a rock about the size of his hand, bringing it down across Henry’s head, cutting off whatever insult he was spraying at Mungo. 

The knock was hard enough to stall him, throw him off balance but not enough to defeat. Worried for Mungo, Coriolanus kicks Henry off into the dirt, before kneeling over him and with a cry, smashing the rock one, two times against Henrys head. 

He was still breathing but his eyes shutters and his body was limp against the ground. Coriolanus reaches for his vest, throwing the rock aside and unlatches the main release. It sounds as he does. He could hear the faint chopper of the helipad as it made its course over. 

“Come on” Coriolanus demands. 

Mungo lay in similar fashion on the ground, unable to get up. 

Coriolanus reaches for him, throwing an arm around his shoulder and lifting him up and forward. 

Mungo would be finished if  he didn’t turn to help Coriolanus. Coirolanus would be disqualified if he didn’t. Mungo would finish. Coriolanus wouldn’t owe him a debt. 

“Go” Mungo groans, “Go on my friend. Leave me”.

His arms slips from Coriolanus in an attempt to aid him on. Coriolanus refused to take it, holding on tighter to his friend. 

“You go” Coriolanus chastised, “Put your foot down, come on”.

Mungo makes greater efforts to keep pace. Coriolanus hoped it would be enough to just finish in time. 

A peak of the crowd at the end began to show through the trees, a faint chatter made its way down the path. 

Coriolanus unhooks Mungo’s arm from his shoulder, pushing him forward. 

“You have to go by yourself now. They can’t see us together".

Spurred with new energy, Mungo shuffles on into the harsh light. 

The crowd cheers upon seeing him, screaming at him to keep going. There must be time on the clock. 

Mungo begins to scream too, hooting and yelling out in joy as he approaches the white line. He falls to his knees kissing the line painted on the ground as he reaches it. 

The barricades shake as the crowd rejoices in its first pass. 

Coriolanus falls over the line just as the sound buzzes through the air signaling the end of the course. 

The last contestant just makes it out of the forest when it sounds, his scream fell into the crowds. 

His whole body ached. The first thing he did was roll onto his back and yank the latch to release the weight from his body. His joints felt as if they were on fire. His shoulder especially sore form the river. 

“we did it”, Mungo screamed in Coriolanus face, giving him a little shake, “We did it”.

”Get off him”, he heard Vongurts voice demanded, “get away”.

The crowd that was forming quickly made its way on, focusing on Mungo as the Commander lent down behind Coriolanus. 

Mungo was lifted up by the crowd who threw him up in the air and caught him. 

‘My boy, my boy” Vongurt cried, lifting Coriolanus up to lean against him, “well done, son, well bloody done.” A few hard pats were given which made Coriolanus wheeze in pain. 

A gentle hand was instead placed against his head, brushing his curls from the sweat of his head. 

“Medics are coming, boy, they are coming”. Vongurt promised, “We’re so proud of you”.

It was over, Coirolanus thought, his new life could finally begin. He pictured you at the breakfast table, dressed in a soft, white lacy robe, drinking coffee with a soft smile on your lips as he entered the room. Loretta next to you with a plate of pancakes as tall as her. 

He could taste the blood as he smiled. 

He refused to stay the hospital. He was patched up and out of there. Word was received that Mungo was okay. No worse off than him. 

it was welcomed news. Commander Vongurt avoided his duties, telling the officials that they would have to entertain themselves as he needed to celebrate with his son. 

Vongurt had a half hearted response to try to convince Coriolanus to stay a night in hospital after what his body just went through. But it was mainly for the presence of the doctor. His hand was around his keys in his pocket as he gave his speech and his back turned as soon as he finished with “But you’re a free man. An officer now, who can do as he pleases”. 

Coriolanus follows him out of the building and into the car, Vongurt was more pleased then he was. 

He holds the horn as he approaches the house, Mrs Vongurt and Loretta rush out, some servants peer through the windows to see what the commotion was about. 

Mrs Vongurt cheers, jumping and screaming in the doorway. Loretta joins because it looked fun. 

‘My darling!” Mrs Vongurt shouts, “I knew you could do it, We all did”.

She wraps her arms around him, bringing him close. 

“First attempt to!” She boasts, “I can’t wait to tell my Capitol friends”. 

“Good work”, Loretta praises. You said it to her constantly, It was sweet she offered it back to him now.

”Thanks Lo”, he ruffles her hair gently despite the pain in his shoulder that it took to raise it. 

“Come in, rest”Mrs Vongurt demands, “my god your face. Your beautiful face”.

“Y/n!!” She screams down the hall. 

“Where is she?” Coriolanus asks. 

“Tv room” Loretta answers, “I’ll show you”.

 She sprints down, her bare feet slapping against the polished wood as she doges expensive statutes and flower vases. 

The group follow the child to the room. Coriolanus was slow and struggled to force his body forward. 

“Do you want a shower, dear? Something to eat or drink?” Mrs Vongurt asks. 

The only thing he wanted was to reach you so he denies and continues on. 

You sat on the green sofa, hand clasped and feet together.

”Y/n” Mr Vongurt spoke in a disappointed tone, “Come see to Coriolanus”.

”No” Coriolanus commands, “stay right there”.

He pushes away from the Vongurts, falling down on the couch on top of you where he forced his head onto your lap. He sighs deeply, shutting his eyes and letting his body relax for the first time in months. 

“Loretta, I’ll turn on the cartoons for you. Pass me the remote”, Coriolanus says reaching his hand out. 

Little feet rush to get it and pass it over to Coriolanus hand. 

He manages to get one eye open to work the tv to the kids channel.

”That one” Loreeta points to the screen. 

He puts it on, letting the remote drop to the floor as his body shuts down. 

“Yn, I’ll get some soothing cream for you” Mrs Vongurt announces, “you can rub it on Coriolanus back”. 

“Yeah”, he agrees, his head half pressed against your lap.

You make no sound as Loretta settles in front of the TV and Mrs Vongurt runs to retrieve the cream. 

Mr Vongurt is called off by a servant for a phone call, and the cream is brought by one of your friends who avoids eye contact with you, leaving you with a quiet room. 

He doesn’t take his head off you, nor does he open his eyes as he unbuttons his uniform, dropping it to the floor. 

You don’t speak as you apply the cream to his skin. There were blades of grass and mud hidden under his uniform and pressed against his back. You can see the Redding of his back where it has been irritated by nature or force. 

Purple bruises littered his torso and arms in odd spots. They matched his face. The left side of his head had been split open when Henry tackled him to the ground. Medical tape held the angry, harsh lines together. His cheekbone was bruised from repeated force, and eye was near swollen shut. 

You were careful with applying the cream, never adding too much pressure to his battered body. He moans when you first touch him but his pleasure turns to a hiss of pain as you reach his ribs.

You withdraw instantly.

”Sorry”

”My shoulders” he informs half heartily pointing in the direction without lifting his head.  

You rework his shoulders, adding a decent amount of pressure to work his tightened mussels. 

“Thank you, sweetheart”, he sighs. 

You feel his body weight drop into you as he relaxes. His breathing slows and the grip his hand had on your knee slowly loosened. 

Lorreta sat engrossed in the TV. You hoped she would turn to see you as you continue to massage him. 

Fifteen minutes pass, your hands begin to cramp. You couldn’t take this feeling much longer. The urge to get Loretta out of the room became too great. 

You were sure he was asleep. He was too heavy, his breath too light. So you shift slowly and carefully, trying to free yourself. 

He jolts awake from your effort. His arms reach out wrapping around your waist to keep you there. His head lifts to look at you with dazed and sleepy eyes. 

“Hm sorry”, he mutters, Lifting himself off you. 

Coriolanus throws his arm across his body, stretching it out. “That feels better”, he comments, “thank you”.

He reaches for his uniform on the floor, throwing it back on. 

“Was it as bad as they say?”, you ask him. 

Coriolanus nods, “I wouldn’t say it was the worst hour of my life, but definitely top ten”.

”What was then?”, you push. You find it hard to imagine that he faced much adversely in the Capitol. 

He smiles at tight smile in response, choosing to focus on his buttons. 

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that”, you noted, shocked it even came from your mouth. 

“No”, Coriolanus defends, “it’s fine. I just prefer to focus on the future. That’s all”.

His hand reaches for yours, stopping them from twisting in your lap and leans forward to place a kiss on your lips. 

“You never have to be sorry for anything”.

”shhhhhhhh” Loretta demands, turning back with an angry face. The talk was interfering with her movie. 

“Sorry Lo”, Coriolanus laughs.

You cringe at the nickname. He was getting too familiar. Too close. 

“Why don’t you take a bath. Mr Vongurt has some healing bath salts” you try to direct him, “I could ask if you could borrow some”.

”Can you run it for me?” He asks quickly. 

You nod. If he was in the bath, he was far away from Lorretta so you didn’t mind. 

You rise from the couch and he mirrors you, again taking your waist in a hold as if you would bolt. 

”I’ll have to see if it is acceptable”, you state, “I am not sure what Mrs Vongurt did with the clothes she brought you. You will have to ask a servant”.

You couldn’t bear asking one of your colleagues. You slightly begged he wouldn’t ask you too. 

“Okay”, he whispers. Such a large man to be directed by a child. 

“I’ll meet you in our bedroom”, his words shot through your already shaky exterior. “Ten minutes. Dont make me come find you”, he begs. 

You nod to let him know you understood, pulling his arms from around you which he seemed hesitant to release you from. He eventually does, following you out of the room and going his separate way to find someone to help.

You check Mr Vongurts office first to find it empty. Your next stop to the sitting room proved more fruitful.

”Y/n, where Coriolanus, dear?”, Mrs Vongurt asked.

”He is taking a bath. I was wondering if he would be able to use some of Mr Vongurts healing salts?”, you state.

The Vongurts smile wide, looking at each other in pure hope. 

“Of course”, Mr Vongurt assures, “whatever he needs. Whatever both of you need”.

This was no different to your normal role, you assured yourself, he was a guest in this household. You had drawn baths for guests before. 

”So glad to see you two finally getting along”, Mrs Vongurt agrees, “if there’s anything we can do, anything at all just let us know”.

You let out a whispered thank you before you take your leave. 

The room is empty. You are grateful, hoping to have his bath drawn before he even enters the room. 

The tub is large however, it only gets half way before he enters, holding a pile of clothes. 

“Hey”, he breaths, placing the clothes on the bed, “Good thing shopping is one of her specialties”. 

You grimace at him. Trying your best to not upset him.

”Is there anything else I can do for you”, a standard response. One you offered used to excuse yourself. 

“Dont talk like that. You didn’t do that because you are a servant”, he demands.

”Of course not” you offer, “I’ll leave you to soak”.

”Hey, wait a second. Y/n, this is the biggest moment of my life, I don’t want to spend it arguing with you”.

”I wasn’t arguing,sir”, you defend. 

His hand latched out to your jaw as you said it in a painful hold. Your hands wrap around his wrist to try and elevate the pressure. 

“I am sorry, I am sorry”, you gasp, “Coriolanus, please”.

He releases you as fast as he strikes. 

“Are you alright?” He sighs, “I am sorry. Just don’t call me sir, or officer, or Mr Snow, or anything that separates us. 

“I won’t” you quiver. 

He reaches back out, his touch gentle this time, and rubs the side of your jaw. 

“I am sorry”, he says. 

You could have laughed at him but you contained it. This was the true self. He could mask it in front of the Vongurts, he could trick a child, but you saw him for what he was; a capitol elitist who would condemn you to a life of servitude and then expect to be thanked for it. 

At least your parents had the guts to fight back. You would go to the grave a coward. 

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Dex didn’t like the way the waiter had his body turned towards you.  He wanted to say something, to add distance between you two but it was too much too soon. He had to keep his obsessive tendencies to himself. 

He was trying to push the specially fish onto you but you were too polite to interrupt his script. 

“She’s a vegetation” he states with absolute certainty. 

The waiter halts his talk, still facing you but now with a stupid grin that Dex wanted to punch off. 

“Oh so no good for you” the waiter joked. 

“No, no good” Dex agreed in a hard tone, “she’ll have the penne pasta- that’s what you wanted right?” He checked. 

You nodded quickly with an uncomfortable smile, fixing your cutlery to be straight. A quick muttered thank you but you made no eye contact. 

“She’ll also have another martini and I’ll have the stake medium rare” Dex commands, offering the menu back with a hard stare that told the waiter to disappear. 

“Thank you” Dex says when the menus are taken but he doesn’t mean it. Politeness was important to you so Dex would follow your lead. 

“Thanks” you smile at the waiter which had Dexs stomach curling. 

“I’ll be right back with those” the waiter confirms. 

“How did you know I was a vegetarian?" You giggle reaching for your drink. You don’t remember mentioning it. 

“Ah, you give off the vibe” he dismisses, “gentle”. 

Dex reaches for his drink but he never lifts it off the table. It gave him something to look at that wasn’t you. 

“So, ah, what do you do for work?” He asks. 

“Social work” you confirm, “and you?”.

He already knew. He knew the address of your workplace. Your colleagues name. How long you’ve been there. What your day to day looked like. He knew your good days and your bad. 

He used to see you on his morning runs. Too early for most but you were there always talking to a man in a tent. Bringing him blankets and food. Sitting down on the ground and talking to him. Seeing him. Listening to him. Laughing with him. 

Dex hasn’t realised that he has grown so accustomed to you until one day you and the tent were gone. He spiraled quickly. You played on his mind. He couldn’t stop thinking about you. Panicking that he would never see you again. 

The day you disappeared, Dex had to take the day off work and book an emergency therapy session where he couldn’t really discuss what was bothering him. 

He was paid to be violent. To take down bad guys before they could do serious harm. That’s what they trained him to do. That’s what they ordered him to do, kill, maim, find and torture. But the reality of your disappearance had him crossing boundaries that got him suspended for a week to decompress. 

The week was enough to find you using the FBI databases. He knew it was a job. You always wore a badge and professional clothing. No private company would care about the homeless. So social services was your employer. He only had to find which one had the outreach at Central Park. Then hack into their employee portal until he could find your photo and match you to a profile. 

Your employee profile had everything he needed. Your phone number and email. Your address. Your next of kin and where they lived. Past employment history and degrees. Dex was obsessed to know every detail. 

The week wasn’t long enough. He found himself sitting in the patrol car going through your social media with bodies lying broken and bruised while whoever was his partner that day was forced to take over the questioning and paperwork. 

Violence Dex was good at. Understood. Violence was his nature. That’s why he needed you. Someone to guide him. Someone to inspire him to be good. 

You were nothing if not good. He couldn’t find fault with you and he examined every inch. You made every right decision. Choose kindness in every possible situation. 

He wanted to get close to you. To be your rock in times of trouble. Someone you would turn to and return home to at night. 

When he wasn’t working. He was with you. Albeit apart from you but always in close proximity. He would watch you as you went through your routine imagining walking side by side as you went grocery shopping, laughing and talking as you walked down the isles together. He imagined the drive home although you walked currently due to not being able to afford a car. He imagined unpacking the groceries. Nights in front of the tv. Eating take out and snuggling under the blankets to watch a movie. He imagined the domestic life you could share. 

Dex has never had much of a home life. He had no friends. No family. No dog. He didn’t ask much. Just one person he could share with. Someone who he could devote his life to who wouldn’t abandon him when he revealed too much of himself. He knew it was you. He just had to get you to realise it. 

“I work for the FBI” he mutters, avoiding eye contact. 

“Oh no way” you use the voice reserved for difficult clients. He was turning this date into a session, “that must be very interesting”. 

“It’s not” he dismissed. Eye contact he reminds himself, forcing his eyes up to you, “so social work. That’s great. Do you like it?” 

He tried to keep his voice upbeat. 

You take another sip of your drink trying to ease your nerves. 

“Yeah, I do. I love it. I work in housing so it feels good to walk past empty spots where clients used to be”. 

You downplay your role. He has watched you do so much more. You play therapist. Help these people find food and clothes. Sit and listen to them when others wouldn’t even look in their direction. 

“I hate to think of anyone left in the cold”. 

He feels his heart spread with warmth at your words. 

“Wow that must be difficult” he offers. 

You shake your head no with a smile that almost floors him. 

“It’s not hard to care”. 

He wanted to reach across the table and kiss you. His hands itch to reach for you so he rubs them on his suit pants. 

His mouth felt dry. He had no idea how to keep the conversation going although he desperately wanted to. 

“So Dex” you offer kindly, “do you shop at Kerri Conner often?” 

You refer to the place he bumped into you, having nothing else to talk about. He had been planning it for months. Every second metrically calculated right down to what he had in his carry basket. He knocked into you hard enough for you to drop the bag of apples but not enough to bowl you over. Calculated. Measured. Perfectly planned and in control. 

“I try to support local businesses where I can” he panders. 

“Me too”, you exclaim.  He already knew that. 

“I’d rather pay a little more with the knowledge it’s going to a family rather than the pockets of a CEO” 

“Me too” he agrees. 

Dex was never very good at talking. Thankfully it was part of your job description so you could easily carry the conversation on with little in put from him.

In his head you had been his girlfriend for years. That’s the day dream he trapped himself in. This was just another normal night. Maybe it was an anniversary. Should he have brought you a gift? The ease the thought brought was replaced with panic. Next time he assures. This wasn’t even a real issue. 

“So I am outside in my Pj bottoms and a shirt I stole from my brother that reads ‘hunt more sharks” with three fish on it and”

“Deer” he corrects before he realised he did something stupid. He watched you sleep in the shirt a hundred times. 

“Yeah right. Deer. How did you know that?” You ask suspiciously. 

“I’ve seen the shirt before” he lies, “sorry I interrupted. Please continue”.

“Ah nevermind. It was a silly story about embarrassing myself. I shouldn’t tell it. You should tell me more about you”. 

Dex shifts uncomfortably in his chair. He could talk about you for hours. Himself was an forgin and cold topic. 

“There’s nothing really to tell”. 

“Oh come on. I am sure that’s not true. What do you do in the FBI? Analysis? You are very observant”. 

“I am a sniper” he confirmed. 

You seem taken back by it. Sliding further into your chair. He wished he could go back and lie. 

He takes a deep breath trying to centre himself. Your apathy skills went into overdrive seeing his panic. You forward once more helping him regain his breath. 

“Wow I never would have guessed. So you kill bad guys then” you jut unsure what to say. 

Dex scoffs. His eyebrows raise and looks at you with a fierce expression. 

“I am not sure” he admits, “I get given a profile. I don’t ask too many questions after that”. 

“Yeah but it’s the FBI they wouldn’t send you out unless they were. Sorry, I can see you're uncomfortable. Let’s move on”. 

He sighs a breath of relief. Moving forward in his chair so he was closer to you. 

“Thank you. I don’t mean to be weird. The last thing I would want to do is make you feel uncomfortable. I just,” he begins to panic unsure what to say. 

“Say no more” you assure. “ I understand. I shouldn’t have pushed like that. Knowing you have that sort of job. It was completely my fault. Let’s just move on”. 

“Thank you” he says again. 

He panics again. Fingering the table cloth as he leans forward toward you. Half on the table trying to get as close as he can. 

“You look really beautiful tonight” he offers. 

“Hm” you grin at him, “you’ve said that three times”. 

“You look beautiful enough to say it three times”. 

“You’re sweet” you dismiss him, “I had to dig this dress out of my closet from my sisters wedding. When you suggested a date I didn’t think it would be this fancy”. 

You mentioned you wanted to come here to a co worker. Was it too much pressure for you? Were you not telling your coworker the truth? 

“Is it too much?” Dex asks softly. 

“No, no!” You assure him, “I have been dying to come here. It’s just fancy. A good excuse I reckon to look as good as you do and throw girls off their game” you tease, having another sip of your drink. 

His heart pounds. He stutters stupidly. He wasn’t expecting you to flirt with him. To openly admit you find him attractive. He would replay your words for the rest of his life. 

“Have I figured it out?” You joke. 

Dex lost for words was glad to see the waiter coming back with a tray. 

For the minutes it took him to set the table up, Dex could retreat into himself. 

“Enjoy” the waiter expresses before he leaves. 

“Man, this looks good” you announce picking up your fork. 

He looks down at his stake, unable to cut into it. Should he have ordered this? Were you offended? Would it reduce his chance of a kiss? 

“Are you okay?” You ask him. 

Dex clears his throat, throwing his eyes up to you. 

“Ah yeah, do you mind me eating this?” He asks. 

You laugh at him with your delightful soft laugh which floors him with devotion. 

“No, you’re fine. To each their own, I say”.

Dex was relieved he wouldn’t have to sneak meat around you. He didn’t want there to be any secrets. Although he brought multiple vegetation cook books and practiced recipes, he needed meat to feel fully satisfied with a meal. 

“How long have you been vegetarian for?” He asks. 

“10 years”. 

10 years. It chilled him to think there was 10 years of life lived that he had little clue about. 

“It’s a protest against the treatment of animals which I won’t bore you with now”. 

“Tell me”, he requested. 

“Another time. Another place” you promise. 

The promise of another time had Dex’s leg bouncing under the table. 

You were good at conversation. You held the burden on your back while Dex struggled through. It was light and comfortable like one of your sessions. 

Dex avoids questions about his past. You didn’t push him on it. If he hesitated you moved on. 

He wanted to touch you but pulled himself back. Instead he sat straight in his chair and tried his best to practice his conversation skills taught in his years of therapy. 

You finish the last of your pasta. Placing the plate on top of his to the side for the waiter’s convince. You were always doing that. Little things to help others. 

“Do you want desert?” Dex asked, flicking open the menu left on the table. 

“It’s actually getting pretty late”. His heart dropped as you said it. You were ditching him. He was too much. Too damaged. Too unloveable. 

“Don’t say that” he begged softly. 

“I have to” you smile at him, “I have a lot to do tomorrow but I had fun”. 

He knew it was a lie, you reached for your coat on the back of your chair too quickly. 

“Wait” he begs. He hand sprung out to grab your wrist as you reached for your phone on the table. 

“Don’t leave” he begs. 

“Dex, hey that hurts a little. Can you loosen your hand please” you spoke, calmly , gently but with authority of a mother telling off a child. 

He does loosen his hold but he doesn’t remove his hand from your wrist. 

“Please don’t leave. I am sorry. Ask me about my job. Anything”.

“Hey, hey” you soothe, “everything is fine. You are fine”. 

His chest tightened at the familiar panicked feeling. This was his only chance. You couldn’t leave. 

Your wrist turns up, latching on to his. The touch calmed him instantly. He smiles in relief up at you. 

“Why don’t we go for a walk. Get out this nervous engery” you offer. 

“Yeah” Dex breathes, “I would like that”. 

Without releasing you he looks around for the waiter, signaling him to come over. With his listened hold you were able to pull your arm from under him, reaching into your purse. 

Dex snatched the bill quickly, placing his card in and handing it to the waiter. 

“How much was it? I have cash” you offer. 

“Please” Dex offers, “it’s on me”.

“This place is expensive. I can’t ask that of you”. 

“It’s my pleasure” he expressed earnestly, “anything for you”.

You smile tight, placing your wallet back in your purse. 

“Thank you then. That is very kind”. 

The waiter is quick to return. Eager to clear the table for the next couple. 

“Shall we?” Dex asks.

He follows you out, close. He instantly worries about the cold air. It was too cold to walk on in. 

“Here” he says, sliding his coat off his shoulder. 

“Don’t Dex” you tell him, grabbing the front of his coat and pulling back around him “I have a coat. I don’t need another”.

He holds out his arm but you pretend not to see it, walking in the direction of town. 

“Come on” you call, “I saw markets setting up on the way in. Let’s check them out”. 

Like a puppy he follows. The market was lit up with lights and packed. He knew you wanted the security of having other people around. It was smart for a frst date although he would never let any harm come to you. He even walked you here just in case. Not that you knew that. 

“Look at this. Isn’t it cute” you point to a trinket on the table. 

“I’ll buy it for you” he said reaching for his wallet. 

You ignore the comment, pointing onwards to the lights that hung above. 

“Look there. Aren’t they pretty. Can you smell pancakes?” 

He scoffs as he picks up on your plan. You were trying to ground him. What can you see. What can you hear. What can you smell.

His therapist taught him that one when he was a teenager. 

He humours you. How were you supposed to know that he had a doctorate in being a psychiatrist patient. 

You stopped by a van selling hot chocolate, fighting Dex overpayment which you lose. Even playing he was much stronger than you. 

You both find a empty stoop to sit on. He sit far to close but you don’t mention it. 

The drink went down in silence as you watch people pass. 

“I think it’s time to say goodbye in five minutes” he heart broke as you prepared him, “markets closing. It’s getting cold”. 

“All those things you have to do tomorrow “ he mutters .

“That’s right” you laugh but there was no humour behind it, “but thanks for the night. We will have to do something soon”. 

“Tomorrow?” He asks hopefully, “I could help you get through your to do list?”

“Yeah. I mean you’ve got my number so just let me know when your free and-“

“I am free all day” he interrupted, “I can meet you early tomorrow morning”. 

“I am not even sure I will be awake early tomorrow. I’ll call you when I wake” you stand up from the stoop. 

“Let me see you home”. 

“No, that’s fine. I’ll catch a cab this time of night”. 

“I can take you”. 

“No. It’s all good” you place a hand on his back rubbing it gently which turned him into a puddle. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow” you promised. 

“Yeah” he agrees softly. 

All too soon your hand was gone and you were walking away from him. He lets you go a comfortable distance before slowly trailing behind you. He needed to see you home. Ensure you were comfortable in bed before he could leave. 

You don’t take a cab like you promised him. Social work doesn’t earn much. You were always cautious about how you spent money. 

When you are his girlfriend he would drive you anywhere you wanted to go. No longer having to take the train in to work: he would drop you to the front door and pick you up on time. He couldn’t wait to fall into a familiar pattern with you. Something soft and comfortable. Unlike his current rigid routine that the special forces and bureau instilled in him to make him the perfect weapon. 

He would make you breakfast every morning. Wake you with coffee and a kiss. He would do the dishes while you got ready and you would head out the door together as a couple ready to face the world. You would anchor him. Ground him. Be his comfort and guiding star when he gets lost within himself. 

He watches as you enter your key code into your apartment block. You would have to move in with him. He didn’t like the security of your building. When he first broke in it took him less than five minutes. 

He stands outside in the cold watching as your light in your apartments flicks on and your shadow moves around inside. 

When he could no longer see your shadow he switched to the security camera video that he installed in your apartment. You were in the shower. Your hair was tied up so he knew it would only be quick. Enough to remove your makeup and warm your cold skin. 

He had seen you naked plenty of times. It never held any lust for him. Just a warming feeling of utter devotion and love. That body was his. There was no desire to be had. 

Wrapped in a towel you grab your pajamas from the end of your bed. Your brothers shirt was held still in your hand  as you gazed oddly at it before throwing it to the corner of your room. Instead you dress in your long pajama pants and a tank top before crawling into bed and switching off your lamp. 

Dex pulls up on the screen, minimising the window so he could send you a goodnight text. 

‘Hey,  Thanks for tonight. I enjoyed spending time with you. I'll have your coffee ready tomorrow when we meet up. Sleep well, beautiful. See you tomorrow :)” 

He watches on the screen as your phone lights up and your roll to reach for it. A certain thrill hit his bones watching you read a text sent by him. 

He eagerly waits for a response. An exchange from you. Anything. A smiley face. A kiss. Even if you just liked his text. Any sort of an acknowledgement of him would do. 

Instead you place your phone back down and roll back to your side. 

His heart sinks. The feeling of losing control creeps back over him but he reaches for his techniques. Three big breaths. Clamping of his hands against his palm. 

You were tired. You would text in the morning. You weren’t withdrawing from him. 

Once you’re asleep Dex returns back to his apartment. Meticulously  kept. Not one handle the wrong way. Control was one thing Dex craved the most. 

Everything had a place. A routine of use. Dex liked routine. Order. It made him feel safe in a life of chaos. 

His keys went to the same spot by the door every day. Never anywhere else. His shoes and coat  were put directly back in the cupboard in their place. Before his clothes went to the hamper for washing on Sunday at 9am. 

His military training had him efficient in every manner. His shower was productive and never ran over three minutes. 

After his shower he dressed quickly in his designated nightwear- a white shirt and track suit pants. 

He always touches the spare spot in his wardrobe that he kept reserved for you before closing the draw. 

With his teeth and hair brushed and all the light turned out, he finally makes it into bed where he checks his phone to make sure you were still sleeping. 

He runs his thumb over your image as if he was petting you before placing his phone on charge and breathing heavily out.