Letters to parents as coping mechanisms

This was originally just a shitpost on my main bc i needed to vent but here we are

Send asks addressed to ur shitty parents and ill post them- they can be anon or not, submissions and private messages are also okay- whatever makes you most comfortable

I will always tag triggers as i see fit, if you need something specific to be tagged feel free to send an ask.

The only things I don't tag are swearing and caps because people swear in almost every submission and i swear a lot as well, so if swearing's a trigger for you i will do my best but just keep that in mind, same thing with typing in all caps- this is an emotional space

No submission is less worthy, no trauma is less valid, everyone is welcome, outside of pedophiles, terfs, racists, ect.

My DM's are always open, as well as my main @not-today-thx

only one mod rn:

You calling me to berate me after finding out about my kleptomania and somehow fucking derailing the conversation enough to talk about how you fucked up my life was one hell of a fucking thing, which, of course, is the past and the past is the past and i need to forget about it and of fucking COURSE you MAYBE made mistakes but i'm OBVIOUSLY not allowed to want you out of my life. And of fuckin course it's my fault i cannot BEAR to talk to my siblings on the phone because there's a chance I'll hear your or your shit ass husband's voice and obviously it's my fuckin fault I can't bear to come and visit them because your godfuckin house makes me wanna DIE. Every fucking inch of that place is littered with memorial of you hitting and belittling me and you're fucking SURPRISED i don't like it there?? Fucking asshole. And I'm sorry to my siblings, i'm sorry I can't visit you guys and i am so fucking sorry i couldn't take you with me even though i tried SO FUCKING HARD but obviously life fucking hates us all and whatever the fuck i do ends up irrelevant.

Shut up. Im not your therapist, im not your friend, i don't wanna listen to you, specially after I've spent years begging you would listen to me for once. Hoping that you would listen when i told you i couldn't eat, when i told you he mentally abused me and manipulated me, when i told you he told me that I'm stupid and ugly and that he wished i was dead every day, when i told you about the sexual assault, when i told you i needed therapy and wanted to kill myself. You never listened tho, did you?? So why on earth should i listen to you now? Get the help you need do whatever you want but don't make it my problem. Fuck you, fuck you and fuck you.

Your non-binary child

I just hope you take the hint for once, I really hope you understand that being barely around you for the next years is very much a choice, I don’t think you’ll learn what you’ve done but I’m really just hoping you keep your space, I can’t actually tell you this because let’s be honest you’ll never learn that you’ve hurt me and that’s a lot of why I’m scared of you, just please stay away.

I don't want to hate you. I don't hate you. I just don't understand the the sheer amount of fear that i always seem to feel when I'm around you. Even when you're not around, I still feel the anxiety when I hear footsteps on the stairs. Switching from one innocent thing to another that you can't ask questions about. Or criticize, i guess.

You told me that i shouldn't be getting B's because "I am capable of A level work." It was one B. And a B+ at that. In the class that i was struggling with. Why focus on the rest of the good when one little thing is out of place, right?

You told me about how the other kids would get paid for A's when you would get "scolded" for not. Surely you remember how awful that feels? How Above Expectations is the expectation and that being unbelievably discouraging?

You bribe my brother to do the bare fucking minimum. You got him tested for autism and ADHD because he was struggling. So was I. It just didn't show up in my grades.

I never told you about it. I suppose i can't fault you for that. I'm not sure why, although I'm sure it has to do with my pantheon of mental disorders and diseases.

You seem to be so much harsher on me than him which is. Absolute bogus on my end because it's not fucking true. I try so hard not to get in trouble. And it works.

Whenever I tell you about things i want to do you immediately tell me why it's a bad idea, or interrogate me about my reasoning. It makes me backtrack and fall back into the persona I've meticulously crafted just for you.

And I'm aware that you aren't homophobic. I'm aware that i "can talk to you about anything" (can is a strong word). Then why can't I ask for help? Is it this standard I've set for myself? "Breakdown before you even think about asking for things and being a burden." Why can't I tell you about my gender or sexuality without being completely certain?

Is it your fault or mine? Do blames need to be placed anyway?

I'm sorry if it was me and i just can't do things.

I'm sorry I even thought about it.

-your (mostly) daughter.

Hello mother.

You complained about me getting an A- because it wasn't an A.

It is still a goddamn A, it just has a little symbol attached to it, saying that I got less than one one benchmark. That's IT.

IT'S STILL A GODDAMN A, THEY STILL SEE IT AS ONE

IT DOESN'T EVEN LOWER MY GPA

AND IT STILL ALLOWED ME TO GRADUATE

How about fucking this: I barely even passed that class! I was failing it all trimester and you didn't even know.

I was struggling with every goddamn class I had and was suicidal more than half the time and guess what

I still got straight A's

But oh, because it has the minus symbol there it isn't fucking good enough

I'm never fucking good enough for you, am I?

I'm just your little fuck up of a daughter? Aren't I?

Can you ever fucking be proud of me for anything?

Sincerely, your child,

Siri.

P.S. I hate your guts you bitching fucking dick.

you know im trans but why do you seem to find the idea of your “little girl” becoming a boy so disgusting? im becoming my true self and all i keep getting is, the way you explain it sounds like non binary. is me being a boy so bad and repulsive to you that you will keep invalidating me?

-pissed ftm teen

i just don’t get what you think, my whole life i felt like i was a horrible person for existing and being this way, my brother fucking spent all his life bullying me for being like this, when i was a toddler and a little kid you were so fucking mean and scary and angry at me for things that i couldn’t control, i didn’t know what was happening but so many things upset me and made me cry and it made you mad every single time, it was so fucking scary but it was so normal for me i didn’t even realize i was scared at the time

you went through horrific shit when you were a kid so i know a 4 year old having a breakdown because something changed is probably the most fucking annoying and spoiled thing to you but that doesn’t make you fucking right, it doesn’t mean it was okay for you to be so fucking harsh with children you chose to have because you wanted to

all my life you just called me a difficult child, i mean you fucking nicknamed me Nemesis when i was 3, and that was always just it for you. it was always just that you had a child and unlucky you that 4 year old simply MUST be trying to be as annoying as possible on purpose, all the breakdowns they’re having is just because they’re a little shit who’s embarrassing you in front of strangers right! of course this fucking child understands everything they’re just like that because they’re fucking annoying by choice

and it was fucking always like that, it was just that, whenever someone suggested that maybe you know there’s actually a reason i might be acting this way is because i need help you were so fucking offended because according to you i was just a difficult child because i chose and the thought of me being autistic was just sO fucking bad to you for some reason?? you just thought i didn’t need help and didn’t need anything because to you i was just choosing to be difficult

i know this is probably just me repeating variations of the same sentence over and over and doesn’t make sense but it’s because i can’t even fucking begin to understand your thinking process, you just thought ‘she’s just choosing to be hard’ is a much better and nicer way to think of your child than ‘hey maybe this fucking child is autistic and needs accommodations or maybe should at least get tested since it would simply be a tragedy if i gave her help if she’s actually neurotypical’

i don’t get what you thought and i still don’r get what you think, i don’t know if it’s sexism since uhm you know, my (proven) allistic brother got tested for autism when he was 6 and initially got a professional to say he’s autistic even tho the professional didn’t believe it just so my brother could get help. all my life you just told that my brother needed help more even tho we have some extremely similar problems, you refused to help me at all and you were so fucking mad (and still are) when i can’t handle something

i’ll never be what you thought you were gonna get, and after so long you’re still scary, what i have or don’t have and why i do or don’t act a certain way isn’t the issue, it’s the way you’ll hurt a child if they don’t fit a certain image

in the end i just don’t get it mom

Out of all the people who helped raise me, you were my least favorite. I’m remembering things that I thought I had forgotten, memories of your neglect and abuse. You were never there for me or my sister, instead having someone else take over the job of caring for your children. You never even thought to get me the help I needed when I was young, instead you completely overlooked me because you wanted “normal” children. I had to do everything myself, and was constantly afraid that you would yell or cause a scene if I hadn’t done everything perfectly. I’ve given you chance after chance, but you’ve gotten worse. And telling me you don’t remember what I told you when I left, it shows me that you’ve never listened to me. I want nothing to do with you, as you barely had anything to do with me, “the bad one”.

It was really weird growing up without a father, but where I come from it wasn’t uncommon. I’d love to say I didn’t miss it, couldn’t miss what I never had, but when every step-father in my life abused me it’s hard not to think “would I have gone through this if my real father stuck around?” Probably not, cuz the truth is I know you’re a good man when you’re in recovery. I know you care. I know being a good father is important to you. When my brother tracked you down after years of searching you were over the moon - you’d been looking for us, too! And you were so excited to meet your adult children, get to know us, have the relationship none of us got to have. You didn’t bat an eye when you learned I was gay. Can’t say the same for my mom, and I can’t tell you how much it meant to have a Latino father who grew up catholic completely accept me and want to meet my wife.

And then you fell off the wagon. Then back on, then off, and now I haven’t heard from you in years. I don’t blame you. I know addiction is a disease and I feel so, so deeply for the pain and struggle you’ve gone through your entire life. I know it’s not your fault. But it doesn’t feel good to be the child who always gets left behind. I FINALLY had a father! But now I’ve just…given up. Father figures I guess were never in my cards.

I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re alive. I hope you’re able to enter recovery again, and I hope when you do you reflect on what you really want out of life. Maybe someday I’ll be one of those things. Maybe someday I’ll /want/ to be one of those things.

I’ve known I was autistic for years now, but recently my therapist and psych np finally noticed it in me. We’re going through the pros and cons of getting a formal diagnosis. It means so much to me that others see it, and my life makes so much more sense now. I want to share this with you but I can’t. Took you years to acknowledge the Bipolar II only after you were diagnosed with GAD and realized “wow, mental illnesses are actually real!” And you refuse to engage with any discussion I try to start about ADHD. I can only imagine what you’ll say if I told you I was autistic.

At first I wanted to share my joy in this discovery, the power and agency this awareness has granted me, the way I finally realize I’m not broken. Now all I want to do is point out every little thing I did as a child that you labeled weird or dramatic, every little way you failed me as an autistic child. All the help I could have received that you didn’t think was worth looking into. All the times you called me stupid, lazy, too sensitive. All the times you thought you could beat the neurodivergence out of me.

Sometimes I wonder why I keep trying. Sometimes I wonder if continuing to try to have a relationship with someone who had me living in fear is preventing me from moving on. Whenever I have a mean, hateful thought about myself my therapist asks me to dig deep and ask myself whose voice it really is.

It’s always yours.

The adhd hyperfixation machine got me wickedly addicted to Our Flag Means Death, and I was so so excited to show it to you because of Jim. Because, despite coming out as nonbinary like seven years ago, you’ve found a way to ignore it or deny it at every turn. Even when you finally “acknowledged” it (by asking me if I was a “plural” at my wedding when the photographer referred to me as they) you still refuse to use my pronouns or stop calling me girl and daughter. I wanted to share this show with you because Jim’s journey with their gender identity is so important to me, and I’d hoped that you’d see a nonbinary character being respected and see that you can do it too.

You complained about the show “disguising a woman” and refused to watch any more. You don’t even know they’re nonbinary. You never gave it a chance just like you never gave me a chance. I’m so tired of pretending to be someone I’m not for your comfort. You wonder why I never visit, but every time I do I have to mentally prepare to be misgendered (and until very recently, deadnamed) the entire time. I’m tired. I can’t be the perfect daughter you always wanted in the sea of your sons.

And I WONT be giving you biological grandchildren so you can drop that shit right now. Besides just being downright terrified of pregnancy, I also have PCOS which makes getting pregnant a lot more difficult, and you know this, and you still ask me when I’m having a baby. How fucking insensitive is that?

I’ve tried so hard to forgive you for the trauma you put me through, for the scars you left behind that you refuse to apologize for. I’ve spent countless hours working through it in therapy, but how can I put all that in the past when you’re still being a piece of shit right now? I won’t be a girl for you. I won’t have grand babies for you (my wife is more than happy to do that, why is that not good enough for you anyway?), I won’t allow you to deadname me anymore, I won’t hide who I am. There are so many things I can’t tell you and it fucking sucks. I want to be one of those “my mom is my best friend” adults, and it hurts knowing that’ll never be true. My mom is the reason I’m still trying to recover from my childhood.

Anyway, fuck you I guess? See you soon. Hope you’re ready for a new me.

There's no way in hell you are this oblivious. Right? Maybe I forgot that you have the self reflection skills of a piece of matte plastic. Regardless, if the person you are tying to "talk" to gives short answers, speaks incredibly cryptically and physical shakes (oh man it's almost like you traumatized me or something); you shouldn't do everything in your power to "make conversation". You should realize the other person is incredibly uncomfortable and, just throwing out ideas here, stop.

I understand that a core pillar of your sense of self is a perceived inability to do wrong. But this? This ain't right. Did you know that I went to such great lengths to avoid you and your tactics that I became so dehydrated I thought I had a UTI for several weeks? Yeah, my kidneys are the picture of health, thanks for asking. Do you even know if I've eaten today? Do you even care?

From where I'm standing, all I see is an attempt to prove you tried, so, so hard, to foster a relationship with your child. An attempt to prove to the courts you deserve joint custody, to pay less child support. I pray it doesn't work and will do everything in my power to prevent you from succeeding.

Am I a part of the problem? Oh, absolutely. That said, communication is a bit difficult when one's voice is shaking and all I can think about is how our last full conversation ended up with you chasing me up the stairs and me locking myself in the bathroom. You didn't even stop because you realized you were wrong to do so! Someone had to get between you and I and another had to threaten to call the police.

Honestly, I'll be carrying that shit forever and I detest you for it. I hate that I can never feel at ease because of you. I hate that whenever I leave I immediately feel like I'm going to fall asleep, simply because I am no longer in your presence and feel safe.

That said, nothing speaks louder than your own actions. Also, turns out making someone fear for their immediate physical safety is in fact child abuse as is emotional abuse. Have fun with that little piece of legislation.

I look forward to doing everything in my power to prevent you from hurting me again. Sorry man, I'm a bit too busy to care about sad you are that I no longer speak to you. Actions have consequences, deal with it.

Sincerely,

The person you will never seen again if they have anything to say about it

There's a lot to unpack so i decided to dived it

Dad: honestly, i'm at awe with who you became worst, i don't know how but you manged to hit even lower than the lowest that i had for you, i don't even know how are you gonna survive when my grandma dies since you are just a leach drinking the money away from her and my auntie, it's not anyone's fault that you don't find love, is just that you are a big fat irresponsible man that never knew how to act without the help of their mommy and is pathetic.

Mom: honestly i know that i might be in the wrong here but don't care, i know i'm fat and you are not helping me either, you are making me feel worthless every time i eat, you always tell me that i'm eating to much, that i need to stop eating so much of anything, i'm really think of just stopping to eat just to stop hearing, would that make you happy? Maybe if i just move out of the house and just live on the streets you will finally get the peace that you so much wish, maybe when i finally get that depression diagnosed from the psychiatrist that YOU WANT you will finally take it seriously.

Honestly i just wished i was abandoned at birth to never know you two, maybe if i was dead everything would be better, fuck you two.

–The mistake you made 17 years ago

mother, father, please. please tell me what to do to fix it. no one is helping me. why doesnt dad love me. why does dad drink. mom, why do you ignore it? mom, why didnt you do anything when we had to flee the house last week? mom, why dont you just divorce him? mom, why do you pretned that everything is fine?

dad, what do i have to do to make you love me? what did i do to make you stop? i cant remember anymore. ive forgotten so much. dad, why do you keep drinking? dad, why dont you want to be part of this family anymore?

i forget more everyday. what did i do to break our family? why wont anyone tell me how to fix it?