Hermit Life

Pins, needles and heat climbed up my body and face. White hot terror seared through my being. 'Was it going to engulf me? Would I survive?' Laid in bed, immobilized. Glancing at the clock as often as I dared; twelve hours had never felt so long.

After that first fatigue crash, I was left with sounds throughout my skull. Whistles, pops and cracks would come and go. In the background there was always white noise.

Whole universe in darkness

breathe in, breathe out.

Each tide brings renewed life force

flow in, ebb out.

Surrender to changing flow

move in, move out.

Trace cycles to weave magic

within, without.

Recieve currents from the depths

spinning, spin out.

Cast intention for alignment

reel in, throw out.

Shadow plays across water

I am falling in love

with my imperfections

The way I never get the sink really clean,

forget to check my oil,

lose my car in parking lots,

miss appointments I have written down,

am just a little late.

I am learning to love

the small bumps on my face

the big bump of my nose,

my hairless scalp,

chipped nail polish,

toes that overlap.

Learning to love

the open-ended mystery

of not knowing why

I am learning to fail

to make lists,

use my time wisely,

read the books I should.

Instead I practice inconsistency,

irrationality, forgetfulness.

Probably I should

hang my clothes neatly in the closet

all the shirts together, then the pants,

send Christmas cards, or better yet

a letter telling of

my perfect family.

But I’d rather waste time

listening to the rain,

or lying underneath my cat

learning to purr.

I used to fill every moment

with something I could

cross off later.

Perfect was

the laundry done and folded

all my papers graded

the whole truth and nothing but

Now the empty mind is what I seek

the formless shape

the strange off center

sometimes fictional

me.

Two years ago I had my first chronic fatigue syndrome crash. My body and brain shortcircuited. Waves of pain, heat, pins and needles rose up my body. I felt I had to lie very still. The ordeal lasted approximately eight hours. This reaction occurred in response to my walking 15 minutes to the shops the day before. It left me so unwell with an overwhelming fatigue. I could barely cook, I had to sit on the edge of the bath to brush my teeth. I moved from my bed to the sofa and collapsed with exhaustion. I couldn't physically get to the doctors, although it was only half a kilometer away. I was messaging work to say that I couldn't make it in. Rescheduling appointments to the doctor again and again.

Today it's a different story, I am now able to walk for 45 minutes per day. I have just 2-3 short rest breaks during the day. I have started driving again, building up slowly. I'm able to drive to the supermarket and back for groceries. I have been enjoying a creative writing course at the local library. It has been so good to chat about something other than being sick. I still have a little way to go, but I'm pleased with my progress.

Recovering from chronic fatigue syndrome takes vast inner resources. I have the utmost respect for anyone who has been bedbound by this condition and has worked hard to become well again. It is a poorly understood and complex illness. I have thought on many occasions, we know so little about the causes and treatment that perhaps it is all in my head. However, it isn't a figment of anyone's imagination, it's a serious illness that affects the whole bodymind. I believe that future research will be able to demonstrate a cause and that treatment will improve as a result. I'm lucky, I have responded well to a combination of graded exercise therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. I have a supportive, able and loving family who have cared for me and encouraged me for the last two years. I couldn't have done it on my own.

crisp air, clear blue sky.

I had butterflies on the first day of term,  your smiles and warmth encouraged them to fly away. 

We shared tales of many flavours; transporting us back in time, into the magical, mundane and profound. Poems that evoked emotions and conjured images. Memoir that gave us insight into each others lives. We were privileged to witness the twists and turns, the wit, wisdom and wickedness.

The group gave me the gift of normalcy, it didn't seem to matter I had berely left the house in years. We chatted about assignments, shared the same laughter, hopes and fears.

Strange noises permiating the cranium

Thick fog engulfing grey matter

Sandpaper scratching the throat

Intermittent ringing in the ears

Sluggish movement through the bowels

Trapped air inside intestines

Occasional pains in arms and legs

Debilitating fatigue everywhere

Low pressure in the bloodstream

Perpetually cold extremities

Palpations within the heart