She Is Sad

I wanted to do all these, i want to be busy, instead i lay here because i have tomorrow to do it. Obviously something is wrong with me, i think there’s atleast one person that knows, or not, or they know and don’t care that much. I don’t want to feel all these pain, it just looked like i am handling it, but i want to end it. I don’t know how.

These headaches.. are non stop. Now i have acid reflux too. I wish your here beside me, that was all i ever wanted, all i wished for. I guess that wasn’t enough, because i am not enough. You’ve told me to change so many times now. The problem is I can’t. Not that i don’t want to, i just can’t stop being like this I can’t stop being miserable, and insecure, and tired. I’m tired of y’all telling me how fat i am, im tired hearing im lazy, im tired trying because it’s always not enough. I haven’t cried in a long time, but that doesn’t mean anything. I’m still dying inside. I’m probably rotten. Maybe that’s why most of the time I can’t feel or express any emotions anymore. I’m like this. I don’t know why, I don’t want to be but this is what i have become. I’m not selfish to try and think about leaving permanently. Maybe i just want to think about myself for a change, because I’m tired, maybe i can finally rest now.

Just In Case, maybe I won't make it, i want to let you know that i'm really sorry if i left, it's not that you're not enough, it's because I AM NOT. I'm not WHOLE, I don't think i can ever be. But i really tried, i go to bed and try my best to wake up every single damn day. I never meant to do this, i fought this for years and I Am still, up to this point. I'm surviving because of you. I never had a reason to go on before, i just keep telling myself to give it another day. I wish you were here, maybe i'd stop. Maybe I can stay.

He delivered breakfast for me this morning, my day was going so well, then one click of whatever mysterious switch of events(maybe it’s my patient’s family member that was complaining about me, or that moment i look in the mirror and i see all these acne that i never ever had this much in my entire existence, or that my hair keeps on falling and i’m getting bald.. )and now I’m here wanting to die..not soon but right now, and of course to whom do i talk to? no on listens to a pathetic soul like me. I didn’t want any of your pity anyway. to be honest i don’t know what i want, except to just lay here and not wake up lonely;

.. I can’t breathe, I’m really tired.. please i need you.

that’s why i go out, i make friends, i party, i do all these things. But in the end it was all lies. I can never be happy. so how the fuck should i just get over it?

I can see my car from my room. I can hear the rain very clear. The wall clock ticking, the air coming out from the vent. Am I the only one awake? Am I the only one that feels all alone?. I feel awful and I look awful, maybe i smell too. but who cares? NO one, and no one will know.

I do, smile a lot, laugh a lot, take selfies, dance a lot, party a lot. I have also been to many places, and I do love seeing new cities, different cultures, meet people. As happy as I may look, no I have not got my life all figured out. I go to bed every night thinking maybe i will not wake up tomorrow, some other nights i had chest pains, dizziness or i feel like all the gravity in this world is pulling me down and i feel so heavy. Every time i wake up i hoped i can stay asleep much more longer, even after an all day sleep marathon. I go out with my friends, I take care of ill people, I eat dinner with my family like any normal person would. But as soon as I’m behind these doors, when no one is really watching, I’m empty, I go from sleeping for 19 hours on my day off to 2 hrs of sleep to go to work because i get anxiety when it’s almost time to be normal again. I hate fake but I really am a fake person. No one knows, no one will probably know, or maybe they will, but it’ll be too late.