Finding my path

I do my best to bring love & joy to everyone’s day. To remind everyone of how they matter. Most days I struggle. I struggle to find purpose, I struggle to find my own joy. But I fight every day. Why I fight? Some days I have no idea. Some days I feel it’s pointless bc the sadness is so strong. Sometimes I just wanna let it all go. But every day it is my choice to keep going. So no matter what you are feeling, what your circumstances are or your emotional state today .. I hope you choose to keep going. One breath at a time, one foot in front of the other. If all you do today is choose to keep going ; know this :

@all-thingsjackdaniels @alibabe48 @alythedisobedient @alaric1960 @amysubmits @phoenixrising22 @lilsunshine-n-whiskey @littlemissbratty @littlephoenixkitten @magpie-69 @wickedlysexy1212 @i-am-norasaurus @naughtycuriousam @norcalgent @dombruce2016 @babygirl-1972 @reflectedtruthsblog @daddyandhislittleprincess11102 @sassyredhead54 @itsallprimal @subwithsass @texasred43 @daddybrad80 @texasbikerdom49 @tx-gentleman @sensualtexasgal @seethesubsideofme @thepowerwithin @googleme420 @failedphyrexian @fallen-angel72 @gracielaw99 @kittysparkleslove @droppinby @submissiveinclination @schavage33 @hoke53 @hisaphrodisiac @herliegespetkitten @his-thoughts99 @her-gift-his-honor @fredastaire55 @sir-daddys-fun-house-returns @pet-pin-up @papatonyinsandiego @papistrouble @troublespapi @rabidbadger32 @hesincharge @empoweredsubmissive & lovely souls everywhere (sorry stupid tag limit)

In a bit of a mood today - I’m in need a quieter mind tho I know that’s not going to happen any time soon for multiple reasons. But a woman can dream of being able to let it go …

You may need to try normal relationships and you will find whatever you are writing everything are there. If in a normal sex they spank, pull hair and etc.

Even in normal relationship sometime male dominate and make most of decision. But we can't call it Ds.

I am sorry. I just like to read more Ds versions of your experience. Rough sex isn't Ds. Just carrying about each other isn't Ds.

If you don't use ropes, chains, collar and rules what's point. It's like going in theme party wearing pretty dress and come back and tell your friends, oh we went to those party we are fun. Common just write something that sound Ds or just re-evaluate your relationship.

Is it really there or it's just in your mind?

I'm not sure if you were trying to disguise yourself as kind to me, or if you were trying to trick yourself into believing that you weren't being nasty so you can sleep tonight? Either way, beginning your ask by complimenting me doesn't make the rest of it acceptable.

I'm choosing to ignore that and try to answer although after speaking to me this way you really don't deserve my time. I'm choosing to reply because one of my weak spots is, I hate being misunderstood.

There are (or at least used to be) plenty of tumblr D/s blogs that only share blatant D/s experiences - the really intense, rough stuff. I primarily follow other blogs who write about their ordinary D/s experiences, I'm annoyed by edgelord BDSM people so I don't know for sure, but I have to imagine you can find that content out there if that's what you want. You won't find it on my blog.

I made a decision pretty early on with this blog that I didn't want to only share the "obviously D/s-y" stuff. My goal was to show a whole relationship, not just the intense D/s parts.

Of course, my relationship is just one way of doing D/s. Part of my D/s style with my partner is, we like feeling like normal people for the most part. We like low protocol, especially with language. He asks me to do things, I ask him if he 'minds' if I do things - but I know when he makes requests when they are actual requests and when they're orders. He knows when I ask what he thinks on something, that I'm seeking permission. We feel the power exchange with ordinary language.

More than that, all D/s relationships have moments that don't look D/s. My personal view is that the blogs that choose to only share the intense BDSM stuff can sometimes paint a picture that D/s is supposed to be ALL about kink and power exchange. That their whole world revolves around cuffs, plugs and paddles. That isn't what makes up anyone's whole life, though.

So, yes, I share moments that aren't oozing with intense D/s. That's on purpose! No blog can ever share someone's whole life, it's always going to be edited or curated some. But I intentionally try to share some sexy moments, some funny moments, some sweet moments, some intense power exchange moments, and so on. I try to show that our 24/7 D/s is lots of things. Much of my D/s is subtle. I have never pretended to be into extreme BDSM or extreme D/s either one. "This is just how we love each other while living pretty ordinary lives." is literally part of my bio.

My view is that most terms related to kink or BDSM are largely made up. If you asked 100 people where D/s ends and vanilla begins, you'd likely get 100 different answers.

It doesn't make any difference to me or my life if you define D/s in some way that means I am not included in that definition. I'm not sure why you think your definition of D/s is one that all others should be held to?

I get the sense that you think that if something is common or "normal" then it can't be D/s. I just completely disagree with that. I don't think D/s has to be rare or "alternative lifestyle" to be D/s. I don't think what makes a relationship D/s is about who makes most of the decisions. I think there are some relationships were one person (of any gender, for the record) makes most of the decisions but I wouldn't see the relationship as D/s. In fact, a lot of abusive relationships can involve one person making a lot of decisions, and those aren't D/s. Boss/employee relationships and parent/child relationships also follow that model, but that's just how the world we live in works. It doesn't make those D/s relationships. They're just relationships with power imbalances. To me, whether a relationship with a leader and a follower is D/s or not is all about if you've both enthusiastically agreed to who leads and who follows.

You seem to think my relationship exclusively involves rough sex and caring for each other. That isn't the case. I have rules, expectations, protocols, etc. However, I still just disagree with you about those things being essential for D/s. I think D/s can be as simple as two people agreeing that one is 'the leader' and the other is 'the follower' and them choosing to exchange power. It doesn't have to be rules or whips or chains or anything in particular.

Even as far as kink goes, I don't think what makes something BDSM (or D/s) isn't as simple as what the act includes. To me D/s is power exchange, and most any sort of sex acto or kink can be done within power exchange, or it could be done without power exchange. Rough sex, oral sex, spanking, bondage, etc included. I can have soft, gentle sex that includes power exchange.

Well that was one hell of an answer, and I can't do any better, but I want to address one thing nonny said. "If you don't use ropes, chains, collar and rules what's the point?"

Ropes and chains and whips and so on are kink, not D/s. Often, but not always, these things go together but they can be done apart.

Just as it is possible to have kinky sex with no power exchange, it is possible to do an entire D/s scene with no toys, and no implements other than hands and a voice.

"In a normal relationship". Oh what a loaded set of words.

Rude Asker used that phrase a lot. I want to break down some of the things Rude Asker said were normal and how their assumptions of what's normal reflect some damaging effects of heteronormativity.

"do you think that in a normal relationship husband don't care about his wife and remind her about medicine or her food choice or get angry when she didn't take care herself?"

Ok. We've established that Rude Asker's (henceforth refered to as RA) idea of a "Normal" relationship is heterosexual. I'm somehow not surprised, but that's a whole 'nother can of homophobic worms! We've also established that in RA's opinion, a level of self maintenance is expected of the woman in the relationship by the man in the relationship and neglecting that is justifiable cause for his anger. Now I am of the opinion that enforcement of expectations for one partners body by another partner definitely fall into the realm of Kink Dynamics. RA however, believes this is a part of a normal heterosexual relationship. Unfortunately that's often true.

"...in a normal sex they spank, pull hair and etc."

Nah....that's kinky sex. When you begin to introduce painplay you're firmly in the real of kink. If you're not treating and negotiating it like kink you're just doing BAD kink. Which is, again, unfortunately common.

"Even in normal relationship sometimes male dominate and make most of decision."

Ah. Yes. I believe that's called toxic patriarchal standards and a failure of society to value the contributions of women equally. That's a BAD thing, normal or not.

Now, RA's allegation that Amy's relationship isn't a D/s dynamic are based on the above claims, alleging that a heterosexual male-led relationship with rough sex and expectations of obedience to certain standards on the woman's part and elements of caretaking on the man's part is a "Normal Relationship" and not a unique dynamic.

Problem is RA isn't entirely wrong. That pattern is NOT an abnormal one in relationships. Women in heterosexual relationships are often held to standards that differ from D/s dynamics only in that they are not negotiated openly between the involved partners, not using D/s rules and communication tools to ensure that everyone's needs are met, and not adhering to the watchwords "Safe, Sane, and Consensual". This is a societal problem. And yes, I may have issues with the amount of heteronormativity that can be assumed in kink communities, the presumed universality of heteronormative dynamics in D/s conversations, and in the phallocentric language of kink, but GODDAMNIT my heterosexual sisters in submission are doing something very very right that many heterosexual women struggle to do in their relationships. They are entering into their relationships mindfully. They are prenegotiating their expectations with their partners. They are advocating for their own needs and expecting a standard of responsibility in their partners. They are communicating at the higher standard that we in the queer community expect in our relationships! And by putting all this work into their D/s relationships, they are, ironically, creating a stronger and more equal foundation for a stable, satisfying, long term partnership than vanilla people who rely on assumed patriarchal societal norms to dictate the terms of their "Normal" relationship. It's not the whips and chains that make BDSM. It's not even the rules and protocols. It's the ADVANCED level of communication that it takes to make it all work that really sets the BDSM community apart.

RA, and anyone who agrees with them, if you are looking at your vanilla, "Normal" relationship and finding it comparable to Amy's expertly negotiated long term D/s dynamic, or any BDSM dynamic in a way that suggests to you that the only thing setting us apart are the trappings? I suggest you re-evaluate your normal relationships. It looks like you may be unknowingly participating in undernegotiated, bad power exchange. And that's steps away from abuse. It's not your fault. Like I said above, the devaluing of woman in relationships is a deeply rooted effect of toxic patriarchy. (For more on that from a unique and queer perspective I recommend checking out "The Tragedy of Heterosexuality" by Jane Ward. It's a good read.)

We laughed so hard, and they pushed me (I can't propel myself very far) and we took photos and we laughed more and we went through mud and fine sand and thistles, and then we ate croissants at a café and when we got back to the car we had ice cream and

I wish I could go back to my child self and show them this day. I wish I could say, One day you'll be part of things and people will be glad to have you around, and they won't complain about pushing you up a steep grade or through a bog, and they will want to hear your shitty jokes and when you gasp and say LOOK A BABY BUNNY they will stop to look and it will be exactly as magical as you're imagining now.

The food in our cupboards is food I will eat - or at least our cupboards contain nothing I hate and am expected to eat anyway. There is always something to snack on for when food is Bad and eating is Hard. There are no doors on the cupboards, the better to remember that food exists and can be accessed easily.

There are soft things everywhere. The lights are kept low and soon we will put up fairy lights for supplemental lighting. My sensory needs are met and respected, and I am safe.

My partner puts my walker in his car and drives me places - and does not object when I would rather be the one driving, relinquishes control as easily as breathing. He checks to make sure I am okay, that I am not pushing too hard; he believes me when I say I can or cannot do something. He slows down to keep pace when I am tired or in pain, and never, ever rushes me.

The dishes are allowed to stay in the sink overnight and the world does not explode if the bathroom is not cleaned top-to-bottom weekly before Sunday evening. My roommate and partner believes me when I say I cannot do something, and I feel safe and comfortable to ask for help when I need it.

I am unlearning the involuntary hesitation of inviting people to my home, and learning that it's okay to let people in even if their time in my life is only temporary.

We are now married with two great kids. There has been a lot of communication to navigate sometimes-competing access needs. Before Covid, we did a fair amount of traveling. We got bunk beds because she is a light sleeper and I snore and flail. When she herniated a disc in her back, we had them separated and now have separate beds in the same room. I have a massive pillow nest so I can arrange my limbs however I want to reduce pain.

And the thing is… at some point, we’ve realized this is our reality. There was likely a lot of grieving, anger and other feelings (those feelings likely still come back time to time) and we’ve got to a point where we’ve realized that our “good days” will be a lot of people’s bad days. That pain is our normal. And we need to keep going on living our lives.

Also important to note that people get tired of you being in pain. It sucks but it happens and because of that, a lot of us have gotten used to “hiding” our pain.