Flow

I don’t take enough pictures on days I’m the happiest

There is a peace. There is you looking up from the dust, and seeing a clear sky. There is you standing up and stumbling over their clothes, but it is you regaining your balance and walking. There is you creating distance when you finally decide to leave. There is you remembering the last words he said to you and wanting to tattoo them on your skin, You don’t. There is you meeting someone else. There is you saying you love a stranger for the first time, and thinking that you mean it. There is him calling you again and you not recognizing his voice. There is a conversation that doesn’t make sense because you cannot speak. There is you not talking to him again. There is you hearing your best friend tell you he loves you and you saying it back, Because you mean it. But he didn’t. There is him showing up again and you staring too long at his pictures. Yes, he has always been that unattainable.

You have to feel everything no matter how painful. Feel something so you can feel something else. Find your focus, whether that be in books, art, film or TV. Find something to focus on so you're not always wandering. You can still go back to your craft. The pencils are waiting for you. The books and paint are waiting for you. Pick them up. If you don't like something, quit it.  Everything is replaceable, even you Talk about it to someone. You can't spend your entire life being silent. Your time is valuable, your presence is valuble If you're meeting a guy for the first time and he shows up in work out clothes or sweatpants, he is not serious and neither should you be. Your body is not breaking by opening. Time always exposes what you mean to someone. Accept when someone's chapter in your life has ended. Finish each day and put it bed. No amount of worry can change the outcome. You do all you could and even if you didn't, you can try again tomorrow.

On mornings I wake up  from the worst night of my life. I thank myself for finding strength  after I let all the weight of existence  fall on me. I thank my mind for finally stopping the tape  of repeated mistakes  and playing the memory of open air and family and tomorrows. I thank my body for finally not keeping tally of all of it. I thank the universe and God because I am not alone.

Why do I know that giving my heart away does not guarantee