Light Chasing

I was really nervous. It wasn't the light sedation my doctor had told me it would be. I was going all the way under. They took me away to the OR, where a bunch of people were getting things ready. They had me move over the to operating table. They were so nice.

"Would you like a warm blanket?"

Absolutely.

"How about a pillow for under your knees?"

Sure, why not?

I felt like crying, though. It's scary. I was right back there in the OR on January 5. Then a nurse asked me the story behind my tattoo. I told her it was my sister's ECG, and that she had passed away. That made the tears come. She was very sympathetic and asked if I wanted a strip of my own ECG. I declined. I started to feel a little woozy.

In an instant, I was awake, and I felt fine. No nausea, no dizziness, no grogginess. Nothing but some god-awful cramps. They exchanged my old IUD for a new one since they were down there, and that was easily the most painful part of the entire thing.

They gave me some Lorna Doones and apple juice and I was happy happy. Everyone told me it all went well. Before I left, the surgeon came in to see me. She drew a picture of my coochie and showed where the polyp was. She then told me how they cut it out. It looks benign, she said. So that's good.

This afternoon I was starting to feel tired, but I wanted to make some oatmeal breakfast cookies. I made them, but they didn't turn out. They just completely fell apart. While they baked, I did dishes. When the cookies were done, I knew I was done. The bathroom wasn't getting cleaned today, and that's okay. I had to shower, which takes a lot of mental energy for some reason. After that, nothing. I had vegan chicken nuggets and french fries in the air fryer for supper.

I did so much this weekend, though. I remember when leaving the house to have coffee with my aunt completely drained me for the entire day.

Despite the struggles, I have really come a long way.

I also take the steps up and down as much as possible at work. I'm getting good at them, too. I need to. I'm going to the Soldier Field Stadium in August, and I need to climb some stairs there. They do have elevators, but I'm sure I still have stairs to climb. I'm out of shape and my fibromyalgia makes stairs really painful, but I'm determined to do it.

I like rooming patients, but my fibromyalgia makes it painful, and my recovery from surgery makes it difficult. Usually by 2:00 I have reached my limit, but I still have 2-3 hours left. I can't stop, so I keep going. I push myself, and it hurts. By the time I get home, I'm just about in tears. My legs hurt, my body aches, and naturally, I have a nasty headache. How am I supposed to cook a real meal or do the dishes or get anything done?

Friday was a hard day at work. We got busy and the afternoon was chaotic. I was off balance, my head hurt, and my legs hurt. When I was finally done, I changed my clothes, walked to the shuttle bus, got to my car, and picked up Drew. We then had to drive a half an hour to a celebration of life for my cousin's husband who died from Huntington's Disease this week. We then had to quickly drive back to make it to our movie. We saw Disclosure Day at the theater. By the time we got there, it was already dark and full of people. We had to make our way past people to our seats in the dark. I couldn't see where my feet were stepping and I was very, very scared. I had nothing to hang on to. After the movie, I was fine on the steps, but going down the hallway, I walked right into the wall.

It was 9:30 pm. We grabbed fast food and drove the 40 minutes home. It was very late when I went to bed. Then Drew worked at 8:00 am, so I had to get up early to make the long drive again. My head was pounding in pain. Back at home I fell asleep in my chair. I woke up a few times here and there because YouTube was still playing, but I basically slept until 1:00 pm. Despite taking medication, my headache only got worse. I felt sicker than hell. I was supposed to go to a graduation party for my cousin's son, but there was no way. I texted her and apologized.

I had to make the drive again to get Drew at 5:00 pm. Then again this morning because he worked at 8:00.

And here I am. I feel a little better than yesterday. My head hurts, my scar hurts, and I have grown to despise the giant numb area that is the right side of my head. I also seem to have forgotten that showers are a thing?? I have laundry to do, and several days worth of dishes. For dinner I need to use up the tempeh in my fridge. I need to make my overnight oats for the next couple of days of breakfast. Recycling needs to go to the curb. Always so much to do.

How am I supposed to stay positive?

But this will be a breeze.

And then I had to return to work.

One day I told this girl at work (in a different department but close to mine) that I liked her shoes. She showed up as someone I might know. No mutual friends or interests.

I also bought a ticket for the train to take me there. I'm gonna ride a train for the first time.

I have this strange feeling all around me and all through me, and it's like nothing can bring me down.

I found out that even vegans can have high cholesterol. It's fine. I'll be fine.

They decreased my lithium because it's wrecking my kidneys, but it's all good. I'll be just fine on the new dose. My kidneys will recover.

I have a headache every single day, but who cares? I get to see BTS perform live, after which I will sleep in a petite hotel room that cost waayy too much money because BTS fans took all the good hotel rooms already.