we don't come back.

jake has always been a soft man.  he has always been someone who loves so intensely and so quickly,  letting it consume him,  even with the risk of getting his heart broken.  he’s been hurt in life so many times and he can’t stop how much he cares for someone upon first meeting them.  but his desire to be soft with beth is more intense than it ever has been.  she is the mother of his child.  he wants to be in his daughter’s life,  so he needs to treat her well.  beth deserves that.  he has always thought she is such a FANTASTIC woman.  ❝  then we don’t let it crash and burn.  we can promise that it won’t be the worst breakup in the history of breakups if it happens.  but you don’t even know that it will.  it could be great.  and is it any worse than WONDERING?  ❞  because he is going to wonder.  he is just going to get more and more sucked into this.  lips press together in a hard line,  before one side curls upward slightly.  ❝  but ONE of them doesn’t have to be.  OUR daughter doesn’t have to be.  ❞  they can make her happy and it’s easiest to do that TOGETHER.  it causes a warm smile to pull at his mouth when she talks about him having a big heart.  he doesn’t always feel like a good person and he isn’t always.  he makes a lot of mistakes.  but he TRIES.  he does have a big heart,  so he tries.  and he’s trying harder than ever now.  ❝  our daughter,  ❞  he repeats her,  melting into the touch she presses to his cheek.  ❝  never thought i’d say THAT.  and a GOOD one too.  i figured any kid i made would turn out to be a little menace,  ❞  he jokes.  but she’s perfect.  jake glances down between them at her question,  pushing out a small sigh and shrugging.  ❝  it leaves us needing to talk about it.  ❞  she’s right.  as much as he wants to,  they shouldn’t just jump into it.  ❝  this IS about us.  i’m not just saying it because of her.  i do want to be with you for you,  ❞  he mumbles.  he always has.  he loved her and that never goes away for him.  ❝  —–  what do YOU want?  ❞

there’s only a ghost of a smile he still won’t let come to full crescent. it has taken so much – SO MUCH – from him to become the person he is, the one he presents to an audience. to build that persona who wasn’t the boy who his parents raised, someone he prays to god and the virgins marcus never feels the need to become, too. it’s one of the few things that frighten him, to know how the world works, to know perhaps his son will have to take more after him than after his mother. but, god please, not his moral compass, that one he hopes he takes after his mother.

the tricks, he has them all. he has mastered the ways to detach completely, and even worse, he learned to enjoy the fear he inflicted upon others. sometimes all you gotta do is go with what’s thrown at you, the world doesn’t stop for anyone. especially not the one they both chose to jump into. oh, yeah, it is a choice. which is something the other one doesn’t seem to WANT to get yet. 

of course it is what he does, what – if she wants to be any good at – should do too. and so he finds himself in a bit of  a problem. a quandary, even. he can teach her so many things, he can make her at his image and likeness. yet, at the end of the day, it is no good for him to do that. to get lost in destroying the housewife, the ‘ good person ’, she seems to be convinced she is ( maybe all she is ? ). he wants to, though. so bad. to see her mask fall, shatter in pieces. become irreparable. he’s fixated in being the one to finally snap the illusion. and so he caves, with a single nod, thick glass touches lower lip gently. a sip of golden liqueur.

“          but you ? nah. you ain’t ready. you just a mom, right ?           ”           dark gaze is set on hers, so eager for her to bend just enough for him to do the breaking. just as she likes to test her boundaries with him, with the business, he too has made a personal hobby to mess with her. 

she is constantly learning from him.  studying him,  trying to read him,  always convincing herself she’s close only for moments later to feel farther than ever.  and that’s something she notices most:  he’s good at keeping the mystery,  at making sure she knows only as much about him as he wants her to know.  and that’s a fine line she has had trouble balancing on,  because sometimes,  when she has convinced herself that she knows him well enough,  she clings to that  -----  only to wind up even more twisted up.  usually,  with her own self. 

she’s trying to accept the fact that she may never know him.  yet when she’s too confident,  when she has had too many wins,  it’s just as easy to pretend that she does,  to convince herself that he really is giving away more of himself than she thought he was.  it’s easier that way.  if she convinces herself that she DOES know him,  then that helps in justifying what she’s doing with him,  what she has done, and what she still wants to do.   i know him,  he won’t let me down,  he won’t let me get too lost,  he is on my side  -------   foolish thoughts when she’s in over her head.  lately,  that seems to be a constant. 

she convinces herself that she knows him just as well as he knows her,  until he does something like this  ------  he uses her own words against her.  he knows just what to say to make her feel so much SMALLER,  all the while she has convinced herself that he has made her feel bigger.  her jaw clenches,  and her eyes stare back at his,  maintaining her unbothered expression.  but it’s a facade,  because she wants both:  to be more than a mom when it comes to seizing an opportunity,  yet to be protected as a mom the second something goes wrong,  as if the excuse of motherhood can save her when she has become her own greatest enemy.

❝  i’m so sorry.  i didn’t know where else to go. ❞  this isn’t the beth that jen is used to seeing,  nor is it the beth that she allows anyone to see most days.  less put together,  less on top of her game,  the mask of a woman with everything together having fallen off before arrival.  of course,  there were other places for her to go  -----  but none of them felt right just yet.  she just killed a man  (  or so she thought  )  and although that was supposed to bring her comfort,  her mind was still chaotic.   it had been days now  ----  turner was gone,  rio was gone,  and she could finally breathe again.  still,  she needed a small BREAK from it all   -----  a chance to be around someone where her own darkness didn’t linger around.  ❝  i’m sure i look a wreck  ---- it’s just been a hard couple of days,  that’s all,  ❞  she insists,  attempting to laugh it off as she runs her hand through her hair that’s flatter than usual.  ❝ thank you,  really.  i know i haven’t been around all that much lately -----  really.  you have no idea how refreshing it is to see you when i get the chance.  ❞

she is all too confident,  feeling as if she’s finally on top of the world  (  the king is dead,  or so she thinks.   she is finally at the top,  or so she thinks.  )   it’s finally time for her to get her back life to normal,  in a way that doesn’t mean undoing everything she has to come this far.  it’s a NEW kind of normal  -----  one that doesn’t involve her hidden in dean’s shadow,  or being pulled by rio’s chains,  but instead,  finally doing something all for herself.   so far,  she feels invincible,  always seeming to forget in moments like these that there is always a bigger battle to face eventually,  one she can never prepare for.  but with turner out of her way,  and rio no longer calling the shots,  she can at least PRETEND that  things are finally looking up for her,  that she can finally breathe again.  

❝  you’re so kind for that,  karen,  ❞  she insists,  pushing over the plate of baked goods she had made earlier.   ❝  and i’m so sorry we’ve lost touch,  really.  with the changes at boland motors,  and the kids getting busier and busier with their activities  .  .  .   well,  you know how it goes,  ❞   she notes with a small chuckle.  of course,  her busy agenda is much darker than that,  but she justifies it all by insisting that it all goes back to them:  i’m doing this for my kids.  ❝  tell me,  how have you been?  ❞

       even before her husband’s death,    jen hadn’t been the most involved mom.   she seemed to lack all the basic framework that made everyone else cut out for the position   -    her tongue had never softened into honey,     her eyes had never bathed in the sight of her newborns,    her body had never learned to bend itself backwards to shelter her children.    she loved them,    yes,   but the sacred impulse of maternal affection seemed to have deflated inside of her.   whatever picture perfect idea of feminine motherhood existed,      it died within her.   despite every shitty new thing she found out about her husband    (    people don’t really die until you let them,    and she had buried her husband the moment she had learned about his AFFAIR    ),     she couldn’t deny that he’d always had a better relationship with the kids than she had.   not just the kids,   either.    he lived in the world occupied by the children,     with a good relationship with teachers and other parents,     like he was the angelic parent and she was a slacker.    it was better for her to step out of their realm,     anyway.    they’d grow up in her anger,    in the burst of her heart that she let bleed all over the floor.    but now   -   well,    she hadn’t much choice in how involved she was.   

          ‘   they’re destructive forces.    i’m not sure some of us grow out of that.   ‘   there’s a bark of laughter falling from her lips as she spoke,    because she still had that childlike earthquake rattling around in her chest.     whatever she was supposed to grow out of,    she hadn’t been nurtured to grow past her roots,    and her roots were burnt.    ‘    i’ve never been,   uh,   connected to nature.    my favourite part of the garden is any place i can sip wine in peace.    the pool is pretty nice,    too.   ‘     at the sight of the wine,     her eyes lit up   -   ‘   full her up to the top,    i’m not one for moderation.   ‘   a light pause,   a glance outside.   ‘   will the kids be alright ?   ‘

being a mother was something she thought was ALL she was meant to be.  even long before she had her children,  when she was taking care of her kid sister while no one else did,  she knew it was what she was destined for.  and that was a thought she held onto tightly  ------   she couldn’t wait for the day she had kids of her own.  a marriage and nine years later,  she finally did,  but it wasn’t all as perfect as she had imagined.  it was hard;  it took a toll on her she hadn’t been expecting.  and though she always made it work,  she always pulled through for them and her husband,  there was always an EMPTINESS in her chest,  always something telling her that this was not all she was meant for.   finding out about dean’s betrayal wasn’t what sent her into a spiral;  it was everything beyond that.  it was realizing that she had tied her life to someone instead of flourishing in her own,  and this was her chance.  with that came the realization:  maybe i’m tired of being a mother.  she loved her children more than anything,  and those thoughts made her feel so guilty  ------  was it okay for a mother to be tired,  was it okay for a mother to want a BREAK?  she needed something more.  what she got was too much more,  yet all the while,  not enough  -----  and she had become addicted.  now,  she was trying to find a way to balance both  -----   have her kids while still having this other side of life that felt like it kept her sane.  yet the two didn’t belong together,  and she didn’t want to see it.