Dumping myself in cyberspace

Crippling Anxiety or Existential Crisis...which one will it be today?

I never understood people’s desire to “have it all” but now I do. I want my baby to “have it all.” Is this PPA/PPD/Baby Blues????

And so every decade or so, as these leader with their utter foolery and self-indulgence find themselves prisoners and captives it is the Nepali people who are forced to bail them out. And like our leaders, ours is also a strong amnesia because we put faith in these same leaders again and again. Perhaps because we are so beaten down by poverty and failure that we dare not imagine a different future. Perhaps like the Nepali saying goes we prefer our friendly demons to distant Gods. Or perhaps we are so boxed into the afno manchhe thinking that we are the proponents of very system of sycophancy, nepotism and corruption that we are so frustrated with. It's a vicious circle. And most recently election of such leaders was not without our deep seated biases, racism and conservative education playing main role. We elected Oli (or we would have elected some other similar jingoist chest thumper) who assured us that things wouldn't change. That we wouldn't have to acknowledge centuries of historical grievances or inequality. That we could pretend Nepal was a harmonious nation of different caste and creed. After all there is a limit to how much self reflection we can do or tolerate. And thus we elected Oli and clapped hands when he promised us prosperity, rails and ships even though we knew deep inside it was all a sham. And we kept giving him space for years to come until al the dissenting voices had slunk away, been beaten and became so weak it no longer mattered. We know full well why we elected Oli and that this day was not far away. In a sense we are the bearers of our own eternal undead state. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. Royalist s are sniffing blood, Hindu fanatics are biding their time, bureaucrats and other are queuing up because history has given them lots to be buoyed up about including becoming a PM, and so we begin anew another episode where the nation is being made to bleed. The wound almost touches bone. 

One of my favorite flowers - sweet peas. I was able to grow them fairly well this time in my small rented apartment’s balcony in this urban jungle. I l spent so many hours just staring at these beauties - as cramped as the space was I didn’t mind. Their profusion, fragrance and colors just made me so happy.

All it needs is a good weather.

I’m going officially plant crazy in this lockdown.

I finally have time to pick up paintbrush again after two years no wait after 20 years haha. And thank God there's youtube now. I hope the Camilla Cabello song is not a violation of copyright. "Living Proof" is on rewind right now. Over the years I have learned to let go of my obsession over music and painting but they never completely go away.

The perks of being jobless is that one can have breakfast at noon on a Monday. On second thoughts, today is the first day of me not working because I quit my job. Some would say that it is a career suicide to quit a perfectly good, fulfilling job in your mid 30s. Specially since you don’t haven’t applied for other jobs or you don’t even know what you want to do. I don’t know what I want to do. But what I knew was that I had to get out of the 9-5 grind for a while. Find out what I really wanted to do. Even if I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the 9-5 grind, I wanted it to be a deliberate, irrevocable choice that I made. When you are fresh out of university, you are only too grateful to have a job, any job. But after so many years, I have dared to think for myself and my soul and take a break. I may write a book, find another job, travel, have some quality family time or do nothing and just wallow and self pity and gain more weight. But I am glad that I dared to quit my job. I am a little bit afraid too but I will say that I am mostly glad because it makes me feel reassured. Who else of you have quit your jobs, well paying good jobs to discover yourselves anew in your mid 30s when taking a risk is such a risk? Also, I don’t even want to go into the social pressure and peer pressure. Oh God what have I done? But I do hope I can be fearless enough not to give in and take any other job that comes my way.

For someone in Diktel, Kathmandu maybe the aspiration, beauty, dream, joy and challenge. For someone in Kathmandu, New York maybe the ultimate in human beauty, endeavor, civilization and grit. Yet for someone born in New York, the hole-in-the-wall village at the other end of world might be their salvation, dream, muse and pinnacle of what they want out of life. Yet not everybody has the means, privilege, resources and the will to seek out their pinnacle. And when/if they do reach it, not everyone’s life can be the fancy one and the perfect one that they dreamed about. Is it capitalism? Or individual failure?

Elizabeth Barrett Browning (https://poets.org/poem/how-do-i-love-thee-sonnet-43)

It is alarming how your life seems to be slipping away when you are just about to fall asleep at night or if you suffer from insomnia sometimes. All your life decisions, time and life seems to be bleak and wrong. But in the morning when you wake up, everything is alright. The world is all right. You are all right. And you are happy with where you are. What is this thing? This nagging doubt about everything when you are falling asleep or just about to or cannot due to insomnia. Everything gets so amplified!