Slade Ericksen

Whispering Pines

((Personal ramble to follow, lots of grief))

Has it only been a day? It feels as though a lifetime of grief has passed since we lost her. Everything reminds me of her; a song, a book, a smell. Even the cooking ingredients laid out in the store for the upcoming holidays. And I just cry. Always on the edge of tears.

Friends of my mom reached out to me today, one even offered to help pay for the funeral until the insurance went through and I just sobbed. I don’t know the cost yet, I am meeting the funeral director tomorrow, but I know it will be thousands. Maybe even tens of thousands of dollars. Of which we don’t have, her death was so sudden we had nothing ready. We weren’t expecting this to happen for another 20 or 30 years. I feel so amazed at how many loved her and want to reach out to my brother and I.

We go tomorrow to pick out an outfit for her. And look through her pictures and paperwork. I am crying just thinking about it. I never knew something could be this painful, this daunting. She was my rock, she taught me so much, helped me so much. How am I going to raise my children without her?

Sometime the pain will ease. Sometime in the future not everything I see will remind me of her, will not reduce me to tears.

But for now, I carry on. And I cry.