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This isn’t an unusual occurrence when it comes to my yearly physicals. Not because i’m nervous, by any means, but because of the auscultation procedure. Having my heartbeat listened to turned me on. In fact, anything involving my heartbeat turned me on. Every time it begins to pound - like it is right now - I get wet between my legs. When it gets like this, I used to press my hand against my chest to try and quell the crazy palpitations, but the sensation of it slamming against my hand only increased my arousal. I’m not exactly sure what it is about my heart, about having it listened to that excites me so. All I know is that whenever I hear heartbeat sounds in songs, movies, or on TV shows, or even hear the word “heart”, it makes me squirm in a pleasantly awkward way.

That’s what makes going to the doctor such an awkward experience - having the cold head of the stethoscope pressed to my chest, trying to slow my heart down by taking deep breaths. Yet the more I’d try to keep it calm, the harder and faster it would pound, inevitably leading my doctor to ask me if I was nervous or why my heart was beating so quickly. I’d often have to come up with some sort of excuse - yes, I was nervous, or i’d just had an espresso, or anything better and less bizarre than it being a turn-on.

 But there’s also something I’d wonder about - how my heart sounded through that stethoscope. I’d never had an opportunity myself; the only way I’d ever heard it was at night in my bed, when my ear was pressed to my mattress and I could hear its faint but frantic thudding.That experience was arousing enough (sometimes so much that it caused me to masturbate) so I was curious, imagining how it would sound, loud and clear through that stethoscope. I’d look up at my doctor with a certain degree of envy. The temptation was strong to ask her to let me listen to my own heart, but I was far too shy to follow through with that urge, so I’d just end up sitting there, my curious appetite unsated. 

As I’m lost in thought, my eyes drift across the room and land on the Littmann stethoscope hanging from a hook on the wall, just inches within reach. This is unusual, as it’s usually hanging around my doctor’s neck. Now my heart’s thumping harder and faster than ever at this opportunity that has presented itself - to finally be able to hear my own heartbeat. Except - my doctor could come in at any minute. The thought of finally getting to hear my heartbeat combined with the thought of getting caught doing so makes my heart go absolutely wild, so hard I can barely catch my breath. 

 No, no - I couldn’t. How would I explain myself if my doctor were to walk into the room? But this may not happen again. It’s probably the only opportunity I’ll get to hear my heart. What if, by next year’s visit, my doctor doesn’t leave it on the hook? And even if she does, I’d have to wait an entire year to hear it - and yet there’ll still be the possibility that she won’t leave the stethoscope in the room. 

Still - it’s not like I’ll have much time anyway. And, oh yeah - that whole getting caught thing. But so what if I get caught using the stethoscope? I’m probably not the first person to do so. And I don’t need to lie, just tell her I was curious. Completely reasonable explanation. 

BABOOMBABOOMBABOOMBABOOMBABOOM the paper robe is actually crinkling with the pounding of my heart...I’d better decide soon....BABOOMBABOOMBABOOMBABOOMBABOOM...because she could come in at anytime anytime anytime anytime...the word pounds in my head along with my heartbeat as I stare at the stethoscope dangling there...all I have to do is reach out...BABOOMBABOOMBABOOMBABOOMBABOOMBABOOMBABOOMBABOOMBABOOMBABOOM...