i crawled on my belly across his house to his bathroom. esse crawling and raven sobbing. "he.. he didn't... he didn't......." blood exploded from me. i stayed there for hours. going between sobbing and numb dissociation. the blood curdling in my stomach, begging to puke (which i did). but it's never enough to purge from my body what he did. what they did. what they all do. how they lie. tell me i'm safe with them, that they aren't like the men who hurt us. they hold me in their arms and promise. "things change" "if you'd just let me" "i'm not him" "you'll like this" "let me" "let me" "let me"

how many have i "let" rape me? how many are my fault? knowing fighting back makes it worse. makes them harder. they like it. am i giving them what they want, when i say no? when i fight back? when i beg and plead and cry, they must like it. why else wouldn't they stop? i know. it's because i am nothing. not a person. "you were a warm body next to me" "i couldn't stop myself" "i begged god to help me stop [raping] you. but i couldn't... i wouldn't... stop myself" "i need to penetrate you deeper. this is what intimacy is. if you can't give it to me, you don't love me" "you've just.. been a chore" "you're so draining, i need SOMEthing" "things change" "I wasn't exactly lying, I wanted to believe myself, what I was promising you. But i need this. or else i have to get it from somewhere else. we'll have to use your disability payment to pay for prostitutes for me at least once a month. that isn't negotiable in order to make us work" "i figured you wouldn't come back. i was kind of relieved." "I CANT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU, I'LL KILL MYSELF IF YOU KEEP SAYING THE WORD RAPE" "HIT ME!!!! AND WE'LL BE EVEN"

"if you would just let me"

"deep breaths, relax"

as limp as i can be

as out-of-body as i can be

laying there as he rapes me again for the 3rd time this week

""""""letting"""""" him

because i know the rape will be worse if i don't "comply"

operator: walkie talkie mode

they called me bambi a few times. not for programming, but because of my honestly beautiful long soft flaming red hair. it reminded them of bambi i guess. which is i guess why I maybe thought bambi was literally a girl and never questioned how she became a buck lol anyway

samantha. only remember seeing her in tulip chapel for the group grooming. otherwise i was separate. but i think she was with the men who Mr cowboy worked for. their tie-in-middle-ground was tulip chapel.

eri showed me samantha in my dream. I asked eri to show me anything shed like to communicate through dreams, and jjst keft that door open since its sublevel infirmation. Sam was hispanic, or white Hispanic. honestly possibly could have been related to Mr Cowboy. but she did Not speak English. I spoke, as myself, in broken Spanish to her. her gave lit up. she said we were sisters. past tense. she looked pained but also joyed. she couldn't have been older than 8.

××××××× locked memory here ×××××

proceeding:

tulip chapel, was the worst place. it was the main programming sessions. invisible fence. torture. every act you shouldn't imagine. and making us feel like we were choosing this. wanted it, in some sick not-even-sexual way. we were made into sentient tools, animals, surrogates for their fantasies to "act them out in confession". and thjs was my place. what was good for. im the cum bin for their sins shaped like a child.

gunna cut it off here.

operator unplug please, signal off towards me.