Everytime I close my eyes

The stomach-squeezing force.

Tingling in the spine.

High pulse and tendency to do something but not knowing what.

But you won't. Because no one cares. And I'm too needy.

I hate myself for trying to blame you. You don't have to like me. I don't like me eighter.

And I can't judge them.

So you don't wake in the morning

Yes I tend to self destruct. Yes I have an urgues when things go downhill. And yes, the blood calms me down.

BUT!

I definitely know that it's wrong. I'm absolutely ashamed of the fact I'm such a looser when it comes to coping. I don't try to achieve deep cuts and scarred forearms. It makes my stomach sick to see people out there taking it as a fuckin' race, being priced by others. And I say it as a person who actually do struggle.

She was so nice, nerdy, interesting, I was at her place several times, we had a great fun, meaningful convos. I knew what she was doing. She knew that I know. Never tried to hide it when I was around. I was young, stupid, clueless. I've never reacted. Never hugged her and we never talked about her psychological state of mind. I was silent about everything.

No judging tho, our together time was about something else. We lived, had a good time, felt natural, never talked about her struggles at all, it wasn't scary to me, I was just getting it, not mentioning it eighter. We just enjoyed companion of each other.