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          THIS  ISN’T  HOW  HER  life  is  supposed  to  go.  she  isn’t  supposed  to  have  to  be  this  brave  at  such  a  young  age,  but  she  does  her  best  to  keep  herself  together,  holding  on  to  cut  strings  as  if  she  they  won’t  break  again. 

     everything  around  her  is  falling  apart  the  same  way  she  is.

     she  crawls  on  all  fours  to  pick  up  shards  of  glass  carefully,  cussing  at  herself  for  foolishly  dropping  the  glass  of  water  in  the  first  place.  her  hands  haven’t  stopped  shaking  for  days  —  she’s  not  sleeping,  she’s  definitely  not  eating  enough  for  someone  in  her  situation,  and  it  is  all  pushing  her  down  until  she  thinks  she  can’t  stand  it  anymore.  tamsin  isn’t  used  to  feeling  this  helpless  and  she  hates  it:  it  cages  her  in,  makes  it  hard  to  breathe.  the  girl  is  suffocating.  anger,  anger,  anger.  allow  yourself  to  feel  anything  else.

      «  it’s  fine  !  i  got  it,  »  she  snaps  the  second  she  hears  alva  enter  her  kitchen.  they  shouldn’t  be  here  today,  she  can  feel  it,  and  she  would  rather  be  alone  —  or  not  be  at  all.

closed  ⤷  @hcartshaped.

alva came by to drop some food off, having made extra and knowing there wasn’t much to eat at tamsin’s home now that levi was back in town. they had directed her away to grab drinks and utensils while setting up the meal for her in the living room. they finished laying out the dishes when they heard a crash from the kitchen, getting up from the sofa and padding over quickly, brows already knit together in concern. 

they ignored her, only hesitating for a second at the tone of her voice before grabbing a dish towel from the sink. alva crouched down to where she was, placing the towel on the small puddle before reaching out to pick up the remaining large pieces.  ‘ you’re going to cut your hands like that, tam. ’ 

        maybe  it’s  the  concussion  that’s  got  nikita  feeling  so  different,  the  loopyness  only  coming  in  spurts.   ❝   i  didn’t  really  hit  my  head  headbanging,  i  fell  off  a  beam  in  practice  a  few  hours  ago.  oh  yeah  ?  you  wanna  know  ?  hyunki’s  got  a  fat  ass,  you  tell  me  what  we  do.  it’s  pretty  obvious  that  he  isn’t  the  top.  ❞  

sejun could easily tell something was on alva’s mind – or at least bothering them. he’d always been good at reading people, especially those close to him and they were no exception to that. but, he let it be. besides, he needed time to himself anyways. he threw himself into work, trying to forget it even happened. he was far too busy to let it take over his life, but now it had come to the point where he had to fix things. things just..needed to get better for everyone involved.

the words that came out of alva’s mouth stung. more than sejun would like to admit – he nearly dropped the cup of coffee he held in hand. pain was not an emotion he ever allowed himself to feel, but he sure as hell could feel it right now. am i not enough? was this not enough? – sejun’s mind was running wild. he felt like a fool for believing he could actually have something – someone as good as alva or that someone would actually want him.

“oh – i –” was all that sejun could say. hanging his head down, he set the cup down and just held his face in his hands, letting out a long sigh. what was he supposed to say? the two sat in a tension filled silence before he finally lifted his head back up. “why, alva? can you…please just give me some sort of logical explanation so i can understand?“ the words seemed rush when he spoke, his voice shaking ever so slightly. "did i…did i do anything wrong?”

the guilt had been eating at alva for the longest time mostly because they knew that sejun needed to hear it from them personally and not by anyone else. even if it meant that the other would never talk to them again.  ‘ we were both drunk, ’  they say, knowing that it wouldn’t make it better or justify what they did.  ‘ and that doesn’t excuse the fact it happened, nor does it excuse the fact that it was a mistake. ’ 

they looked up and across the desk, meeting his eyes for the first time.  ‘ it was a mistake. ’ they felt utterly defeated and tried not to think about actively destroying what they’ve both built up together. but sejun was right, alva owed him an explanation.  ‘ i was just so angry that it felt like he could still ruin my life after all this time. that it was like he was holding me back from being in a relationship all this time. and when i found out he kissed you it was just like he was taking you away from me too --- and it was so stupid of me --- but when i ran into him in the kitchen the night after i just couldn’t hold it in anymore. ’ 

they took a deep breath before continuing.  ‘ so we fought about it, and then things got out of hand and we ended up making out, and then ... ’  alva trailed off not wanting to repeat themselves,  ‘ yeah. it just happened. ’ 

‘ old enough to fuck your mom. ’

          SHE  KNOWS  THEY’RE  DOING  their  best  to  not  let  their  disappointment  show,  but  she  knows  them  well  enough  that  some  things  don’t  need  to  be  voiced  aloud.  she  knows  where  they’re  coming  from  —  tamsin  doesn’t  know  anything  about  elijah  more  than  the  fact  that  she  shouldn’t  have  slept  with  him,  and  rome  and  her  have  never  been  steady  even  if  the  feelings  are  there.  truth  be  told,  the  girl  doesn’t  know  if  she  can  trust  any  of  the  boys  to  be  there  for  her:  she’s  not  sure  they  can  even  be  there  for  themselves.

     «  i’ll  tell  them,  »  she  agrees  bravely,  for  the  truth  is  that  she  has  no  other  choice.  at  least  there  will  always  be  alva  by  her  side.  she  snuggles  up  to  them  again,  head  resting  against  their  chest,  familiar  and  soothing  warmth  radiating.  «  hey,  »  she  whispers  after  letting  their  words  sink  in.  there  is  a  time  for  everything,  but  she  will  not  contact  rome  nor  elijah  now.  now  she  needs  rest.  «  can  we  eat  ?  i  think  we  should  order  chinese  food.  »

in that moment they realize she’s actually going to be okay. not that alva ever really doubted her, but the acceptance of the matter definitely came a lot quicker than anticipated. alva presses their lips to her temple as she resettles herself against them, arms winding tight around her in a hug before loosening up to rest comfortably at her waist. 

sejun nodded as a quiet ‘thank you’, taking the drink and sitting back down behind his desk. this wasn’t the most ideal place to have this sort of conversation – but it would have to do for now. “we just got a new bunch of items in, so i’ve been checking those out – it’s not like i wanted to be this busy.” he justified, eyes traveling up to meet alva. it hurt his heart that they were in this mess. “can you just…start from the beginning? i just want to know everything.”

they only hummed, sitting on the chair across from sejun, hands gripped around the warmth of their cup. where to even begin ? it was still strange, to have all of that mess in vegas still loom over them like shadows even after all this time has passed. but like the other said, he’d been busy, and alva too, even if admittedly they were a little bit glad about the radio silence. it gave them time to think and to reevaluate everything that happened. 

“these patrons are dull, anyway. you’re welcome for livening up the place, babe.” he teased flatly. a half-assed smile that didn’t meet his eyes, hyunki was now genuinely uncomfortable with the pounding in his head. his focus hadn’t broken from the tequila, fingers itching as they pulled it from the shelf and brought it that much closer to him. oh. her name had him reeling to a stop. until that point, he’d thought alva was playing another game with hyunki, to pass along the shift, albeit a more sadistic one. this was - sort of - real. “my intentions? jesus, alva. let me live. you know i’d throw myself into traffic for her, come ON.” his hand was outstretched, grabby, to attempt snatching the liquor from them. “fine, yes. i’m game. but i’m going to complain the whole time - until i’m pleasantly hammered.”

   only  alva  would  so  quickly  give  in  to  levi’s  wishes,  knowing  better  than  to  push  the  man.  levi  is  the  villain  of  every  story,  possibly  his  own  the  most  of  all,  but  that  has  never  made  alva  turn  the  other  way.  for  that  the  man  is  eternally  grateful.

   he  staggers  away  the  moment  alva  agrees,  limping  straight  past  them  and  towards  their  car.  ❛  if  i  say  no,  will  you  give  me  a  piggyback  ride  ?  ❜  he  jokes  with  that  all  too  familiar  grin.  he  will  never  be  able  to  take  anything  seriously,  after  all.  ❛  thanks  for  coming  though.  means  a  lot.  ❜

they stay back for a moment, watching levi’s figure hobble away towards the car. there was still so much that alva wanted to know, if only just to understand a little bit better. levi had always been protective of his secrets, and they respected that. but it was difficult, sometimes, to operate in the dark.  ‘ what do we do about the car ? ’  they ask, taking steps forward to walk in time with the other.  ‘ the, uh, wreck. ’

        ❝   i  was  headbanging  in  the  bathroom  and  hit  my  head  on  the  sink.  kinda  hot,  right  ?   ❞   purple  bruise  is  plastered  against  the  girl’s  forehead,  crooked  grin  on  her  lips.

“hey – thank you for coming, i figured it’d be a good time to talk after you know….everything.” @hcartshaped

“why would i care, alva? what would i gain from giving a single shit about anyone else besides myself? nothing. then that sounds like a you problem if you’re gonna be so fucking bothered by my existence. do you want some award for caring for people? i don’t care what you think would be in their ‘best interest’, either.”

tamsin: you're already doing more than i could ask for, alva

tamsin: thank you

alva: always.

“listen – i don’t care how nice he is or how the sun shines out of his ass – he wouldn’t deserve it, no. nobody does. but like i said, if it happens, it happens. i don’t control that shit. sometimes people need to experience hurt in their lives, you can’t fucking protect them from everything. i wouldn’t give a single fuck alva. he’s not my responsibility.”

          SHE  AWAITS  THEIR  JUDGEMENT,  but  part  of  her  also  knows  it  will  never  come.  they  will  never  do  that  to  her  and  for  that  she  is  eternally  grateful  —  and  partly  she  does  not  think  she  deserves  this  blind  acceptance.  but  she  is  still  young.  she  is  still  learning  from  her  mistakes.

     she  allows  for  a  small  chuckle  to  escape  her  at  alva’s  comment,  but  there’s  something  joyless  about  the  sound  still.  tamsin  wishes  so  badly  to  find  the  humor  in  it  all,  some  sense  of  light  in  what  seemed  like  an  endless  tunnel,  but  she  does  not  get  there  and  she’s  not  sure  she  really  ever  will.  she  has  to  trust  their  words  though.

     there’s  an  excruciating  wait  as  she  inhales,  averts  her  eyes  from  alva’s.  «   romeo.  and  ..  elijah.  and  one  of  them  was  a  very  drunk  mistake.  »

they purse their lips, trying not to react at the names she gives, the irrational thought of killing whomever it was creeping up again only to be tampered down by reason. at least ... at least it’s people she knows, alva muses, although they’re not entirely ecstatic about the possibility of either of those men being an active father in the child’s life if tamsin chooses to keep it. as much as alva loves rome, there’s still a lot to be unpacked there, and they’d rather drink wet cement than see elijah hold a baby. 

alva exhales through their nose.  ‘ okay, ’  they say for their own sanity.  ‘ well, i would say that you should tell them as soon as you can. preferably before you decide to do anything. but know that no matter what they have to say about it or what they think you should do, it’s still only your decision to make. don’t let them pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to. ’

✕   ╱         𝙃𝙀  𝙈𝘼𝙉𝘼𝙂𝙀𝘿  𝙏𝙊  find  a  bowl  of  cereal  but  no  milk  in  his  house  –  everything  had  been  either  consumed  or,  strangely,  spilled  all over  the  floor.  every  inch  of  his  body  ached,  his  left  eye  barely  opened,  in  his  mouth  the  metallic  taste  still  existed;  romeo  sat,  wincing  slightly,  wishing  he  couldn’t  remember  the  fight.  he  didn’t  find  milk,  but  instead,  he  soaked  his  cereal  with  the  half  bottle  of  whiskey  that  remained  untouched,  stuffing  his  mouth  with  a  spoonful  of it.   ❝  i  only  have  this  portion,  and  i  am  not  sharing,  so  fuck  off.  ❞