Little Ms. Stoner

wow

-you can’t be on your phone without them taking it and reading through whatever you were doing -they frequently mention how much money it costs for your basic living expenses -they casually imply that they’ll take away that support when you disagree about ANYTHING -there are more arguments than conversations -pretty much everything turns into an explosion: chatting about a friend, asking about supper, mentioning something you did that day -(It’s a nuke if you express any opinion) -you never ask for money. You either work or do without. It’s not worth it. -You don’t get privacy- they will barge in your room and bathroom at any time, and anything on your phone or in a journal is fair game -They happily pit your siblings against you/you against your siblings -they convince your other parent that you’re the one stirring up trouble (if you’re in high school) -they don’t stop mentioning your grades- it doesn’t matter if you have an A, it’s not enough -they constantly tell you that you aren’t good enough to get into the college of your choice -they won’t shut up about how you won’t be able to support yourself when you move away -you’re told that you’re never going to leave the house, because they will not be giving you money for college -scholarships. You need to apply to all of them, all the time, and if you express the desire to do anything else for an hour or two, you receive the above. -you might have a car, but that doesn’t mean you get to use it. -you constantly watch your friends make plans, but don’t bother even asking because you accidentally burned breakfast and they’re still mad -it’s obvious they’re actively trying to manipulate you (see: you don’t love me, you never talk to me, etc.) -You aren’t going to miss them when you move out. -you know because moving out is all you think about.

They learned to be strong. They know they’ll have nobody to call for help when things go wrong. They learned to face trials and dangers of life alone. They had no choice. Will you go to parents you’re scared of when your best friend betrays you? Will you be able to stand hearing “that’s what you deserved!” while drowning in grief? Will you talk to them when you get hurt and bullied, wounded and cornered by the world? Only to get spat on because they consider it all your fault, and you should know it’s your fault, struggling is your fault, trusting in someone is your fault, messing up in harsh world you were forced into without experience or guidance or advice or protection, it’s all your fault. You should have known better. You should have known it’s your own fault when someone hurts you. You should have known you deserved even worse. 

You learn to hide your wounds so they can’t be cut in deeper. You learn to tell yourself all the harsh and cruel words you know you’d hear if you open your mouth, because you don’t want to deserve hearing it more. You already know. You hate yourself because you’re told that all you’re going thru is happening because of who you are, because you are not good, not lovable, not able of deserving anything, not important enough to matter. And that’s never going to change, tricking people into thinking you’re human is best you can hope for, but they will eventually figure it out.

How are you supposed to figure it out it wasn’t you, without anyone on your side and the world ready to blame you? How are you supposed to shift focus on what others are doing and hold them responsible? How are you supposed to realize your worth? How are you supposed to handle when others betray and abandon you like you’re nothing, when your parents voices in your head start screaming they were right about you? 

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me

parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them

parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat 

parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me

parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults

parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort

parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal

parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away

parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change

parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change

parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me 

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse

parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”

parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries

parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it 

parent threatened to leave me

parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me

parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly

parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma 

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed

parent didn’t notice I was depressed

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them

parent only gave me minimal money to survive 

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

you tell me that i should have an idea of what i want to do with my life, then crush my dreams when i finally figure it out.

you tell me that i should love myself, then insult me with everything you have when i screw up.

you tell me that i should be happy with my body and then tell me that i’m only “not hungry” because i’m trying to lose weight.

you tell me to love the way i look but try and get me to wear makeup and change the way i look.

you tell me to be accepting and love everyone but shun me when i have friends that aren’t the same race, gender, or sexuality as me.

you tell me to use my words but then call me weird for expressing myself with words on paper instead of verbally.

you tell my to speak up but you never listen.

you tell me to be patient when you have no idea how to be patient with your own children.

you tell me you don’t have favorites but then force me to stop doing my homework to cook while my brother who is failing all his classes wastes his life away on video games.

you tell me to make sure my brothers do the right thing but then turn a blind eye when they’re not.

you tell me that making money matters more than being happy with what i want to do when you’re not only broke, but unhappy.

you tell me that i’m only human, that i’m not perfect, and that i need to calm my “ego”, when you make me feel worthless for being human and making mistakes.

you tell me to lose weight even though i’m the only one in the family within the “healthy” weight range.

you tell me to smile but all i see is a frown mirrored on your face.

you tell me that anger is not good for me when you get angry over the simplest things, causing me to be angry as well.

you tell me that depression will get me locked up in a mental hospital but you do nothing to help me.

you tell me that you love me but you show it in ways that are abnormal. in ways that make me feel like i don’t belong.

i see all of these posts about how you should “love your parents” and “treat them right”, but what about posts for people with toxic parents and family? i do love my parents, i do. and when i’m rich and successful i’m going to be the one taking care of them. 

My “parents” are controllers, verbal abusers and physical abusers. What kind of toxic are yours?

“But she’s your MOM.” has to be one of the most insensitive, ignorant, pious fucking statements I’ve ever heard too many times in my life. I can’t stand people who say that to me.

It’s really so generalizing and damaging when people say things like “But they’re you’re family…” as though that mandates that you to continue to enable someone to treat you horribly. IT’S NOT OK.

For those of you who are still dealing with toxic family members, even more hugs to you. It’s a difficult path and we all have our own journey. I wish you strength and peace. You’ll get there.

Lack of emotional permanence. Everytime you feel something, even if its on a daily basis, it’s like its for the first time. “I’ve never hurt this much”, “i can’t remember feeling this angry”…