hazely things

You can't just go with the flow. No certainty that you'll get somewhere.

Wala kang patutunguhan. Or baka ang dahilan kung bakit nag go with the flow ka kasi hindi mo rin alam kung ano meron; ano mangyayari pag nakarating ka na sa gitna, kung saan wala na. Hindi mo na alam kung saan at anong direksyon ka dapat pumunta. Baka rin naman sa dulo (ng walang hanggan) ka makarating. Sa dulong walang patutunguhan. Sa dulong lingid sa inakala. Baka ma-overwhelm ka niyan. O baka naman hindi ka marunong lumangoy... Patay tayo dyan.

Disclaimer: The first part of this was written before Christmas season, when I was still angry with everything. Well, not everything. Most things.

November: Maybe I’m never really over it (yet).

It’s funny how I didn’t follow my outline because of you. I just felt the need that this is the right time to write about our friendship or whatever you want to call it. It’s also funny how I can’t really seem to find the right words to say. It’s just… I just feel, still, a little sting inside that I actually lost a friend in you. And writing about this seems so final; like, we won’t ever talk about it—that we won’t find closure because we suddenly stopped talking to each other. Not only that but frankly speaking, you still refuse to put your guard down and be humble about what we’ve gone through. You still refuse to show a little gratefulness. This is probably why we drifted apart and why we will never cross paths again—and if we do, you’re that one person who I will choose to ignore. (or!! If ignoring isn’t possible/couldn’t be done, I’ll probably just give a subtle “Hi,” and then just give you a reason that I need to go, just so this time, you could have a taste of my own alibi).

Now that I think about it, we only talked about the deep stuff only because it was required in one class. The rest were just shallow things. I don’t want to remember everything that we’ve been through because to be honest, it’s either I decided to forget or I really forgot about it. Instead, let’s just go straight to what I think—and what I feel, as well.

This particular point in someone’s life truly tests friendships, and obviously ours didn’t make it. I’m actually surprised that there was even a friendship. We were such opposites. I mean, let’s get real. I’m not expecting a “Sorry” anymore. By this point I’m not expecting a “Thank you” either. Well, partly because we’re not talking anymore. We already stopped talking to each other.

To be honest, it’s hard to put down into words what I feel, how I feel. It’s not that I don’t have anything else to say. It’s just… this just proves how strenuous the relationship was. This was how stressful the friendship was. The fact that I can’t instantly put into words what I think and what I feel just proves how this is still a fresh wound, and you can’t really get over it magically. You don’t and it’s hard.

Looking back, you acted as if the world revolved around you, and I understood and accepted that about you. I just said to myself that this was probably how you were raised—that you were so loved by everyone. There’s nothing wrong about that. However, that attitude, that viewpoint in life becomes wrong when you’re not aware of everyone else’s thoughts and feelings. All you ever thought about was yourself and how everyone else needs to adjust to you. You never saw the need to do better since you thought that was all you can do, so you just settled for less. You never made up for what you lacked.

Maybe I’m never really over it, but I want to get it over with.

You, on the other hand, a person whom I thought I was never going to be close to. A person who, to be honest, I never got to know on a much deeper level. A person who, because of just one thing, changed the way I saw him/her. It was because of that one attitude that slowly drifted us apart.

December: Writing this made me realize the anger was on different levels, on different people.

I should apologize. Maybe at that point, I realized, I also was at fault. I apologize, but I’m sure I’m not the only who needs to. This whole thing ruled over the latter part of the year. My anger and negativity ruled over.

And I don’t want that anymore.

December: Whether you like it or not, whether they realize it or not, everyone played a part; they were still a part of your success.

drifted apart… or should I say, paghihiwalay??? minus the attachment i didn’t have a right to

Hindi ko na ‘to gagawing pormal, dahil sa kung ano man ang matatawag mo dito, hindi naman din naging pormal.

Go-with-the-flow ang peg ko—natin. Mula sa minsan, naging madalas, hanggang sa naging palagi, araw-araw, gabi-gabi na pag-uusap na medyo pinagsisihan ko dahil sana naitulog ko na lang. Sana naikain ko na lang. Sana nag-aral na lang ako. Sana mas nabigyang pansin ko na lang ang mga mas importanteng bagay. Sana hindi na lang kita na-associate sa paborito kong banda. Eh hindi ‘yun ang nangyari.

Ano ‘yung nangyari? Sinayang ko ang oras ko sa’yo.

Sa totoo lang, wala na akong maisip na isulat patungkol sa’yo. Kasi, parang, halos lahat na yata tungkol sa’yo. Nakakapagod. Nakakainis. Hindi naman yata patas kung sa’yo na lang tungkol ang lahat ng isusulat ko. At sa iyo pa talaga nasayang, naaksaya; nang dahil pa talaga sa’yo, nakapagsulat ako. Hindi na rin ako magaaksaya pa ng panahon sa pagsulat at sa pagbitaw ng mga hininakit, dahil hanggang dito na lang ako. Kung sa bagay, ikaw rin naman ang nagpasyang hindi na mamansin.

Sabi nga sa isang kanta ng Munimuni (“Sa Hindi Pag-alala”), “Kakalimutan ko na rin, mga sinabi mong wala palang ibig sabihin.”