nauseated with that. With the. With that longing for something that you had a long time ago and then lost and now you’ve tried to sort of take steps to get it back but so much time has passed that once was has been transformed in ways you can’t even fully understand and probably never will and so youre old enough to be at peace with that now so instead you try to pivot your attention to the idea of attempting to build something new but it all feels so daunting and overwhelming and you’re just not sure where to start and either way it’s a two way street and you don’t know how to properly communicate this and this is only complicated further by the fact that you have a disorder that literally forces you to miss out on huge periods of time regularly when putting forth effort to nurture something like this inherently demands attention on a somewhat regular basis and you’re also still constantly hating yourself for even having these types of thoughts and mentally condemning yourself for trying to revive something which never really died just changed which is unfair to everyone and childish but you’re also trying to give yourself some credit and comfort knowing that this isn’t something that the circumstances around you have been kind to you about and also knowing that your intentions are genuine but no matter what at the end of the day all it takes is one stupid fucking moment to completely change your mood for an entire day and leaves you with that familiar empty feeling that has just never been right since it was carved out and nothing you try to fill it with has stuck and everything about this situation is just so fucking complicated but also so fucking simple it’s this never ending back and forth with yourself and you’re pretty sure you know what you want at this point but you literally can’t just seize it because of so many things outside of your control so you get caught in moments like these where you are simultaneously looking back fondly and trying to be brave about the future but it’s all so fucked everything is fucked. God. Fuck this. Fuck this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate it. Whatever. Everyone explode NOW.