DYIGSEA

1. You feel as if you’re judged - and that you’re rarely understood.

2. You know that others love you – but you didn’t feel like they care.

3. You want to feel you’re wanted – but you feel you’re in the way.

4. You want to just be normal - but you’re shrouded by despair.

5. You wish you could be happy – but you can’t stop feeling bad.

6. You want to make the effort – but you don’t have the energy.

7. You feel that things are hopeless - as they never seem to change.

I get a lot of asks from teens and young adults who are trapped in family situations that are toxic, but not quite abusive enough for child authorities to get involved, and they don’t know how to get out. Narcissistic, controlling and authoritarian parents will do just about anything to stunt your growth and keep you safely under their thumb, and when you are a young adult who has been prevented from developing any kind of independence, it can be difficult to know how to even begin getting away from that. Getting away from these kinds of situations is difficult, but it’s not impossible - there are steps you can take to get a clean break, and land on your feet again. 

So if you are feeling trapped by toxic parents or guardians and you are looking for a way out, consider the following tips:

Try to stick it out until you are legally an adult, if at all possible. I know that living in these situations is painful and that you want to get away as soon as you possibly can. But it’s dramatically more difficult to escape from crappy parents before your eighteenth birthday. For one thing, you legally can’t - your parents can report you as a runaway, the police can force you to come home, and anyone who tries to help you can get into legal trouble for harboring you. Becoming an emancipated minor is only possible under extraordinary circumstances, and it’s pretty unlikely if your family doesn’t have lengthy involvement with CPS and if your family show any willingness to provide a home for you. In many areas, minors cannot open their own bank accounts, get their own ID, hold a job or get medical attention without their parents’ permission. As difficult as it is, if you can find a way to bear the situation until the day you turn 18, you are much more likely to be able to get away. If you absolutely need to leave before you reach legal adulthood, or if you are kicked out, contact a local youth homelessness organization or youth shelter - they have the resources and knowledge to help you navigate this situation. 

Get in touch with admissions advisers at different colleges, and speak to your high school guidance counselor. College is one of your best ways out of your situation - it gives you an excuse to get far away from your parents, it gives you access to certain financial resources and it sets you up for a career so that you can stay financially independent. Even if your parents do not support you going to college and will not help you financially, there are options for you - talk to your guidance counselor and the admissions counselors at potential schools about the programs they offer, and the financial resources and scholarships that are available to you. If a four-year-university doesn’t sound like your thing, check out technical schools and trade schools for additional options. Cutting your parents off forever is a lot easier when you have financial independence from them, and financial independence is a lot easier when you have some kind of education; your education is your best weapon for winning your freedom. 

Start saving money somewhere your parents can’t get it. As soon as you are legally able to, open a bank account that is in your name, and your name only. If you keep all your money in a joint account with your parents, they are able to drain that account at any time, and there won’t be much you can do about it. Even if your parents insist that you keep the joint account open and that you deposit your paycheques into that account, open a separate account and sneak as much money into it as possible - even if you can smuggle $20 per week into your account, in a year, you will have just over a thousand dollars in there, which should be enough for a security deposit on a rented room of your own. And once you make your escape, that account will be there for you to empty your joint account into. It might also be a good idea to freeze your credit when you turn 18, to ensure that your parents are not able to open up credit cards or loans in your name - you can talk to the staff at your bank to learn how to do this. 

Get a copy of your essential identification. It’s fairly common for abusive parents to try to control their adult children by refusing to turn over their essential documents - your parents might withhold your original birth certificate, passport, social security card, health insurance card, etc. It is important that you either get these documents, or order replacement copies of this documents as quickly as possible after you’ve left the house. Having just one original ID - like a state ID or driver’s license - can make it much easier to obtain copies of the other documents. At the very least, you need to get your hands on a document that proves your citizenship or legal immigration status in your country as quickly as possible - this means your birth certificate, passport, social security card, or green card/permanent residency certificate. You will need this documentation to get a job or apply for most kinds of loans. Try to get a photo or photocopy of the originals if your parents aren’t willing to hand them over, or at the very least, jot down your passport number. You can contact your local passport office or vital records office to obtain new documents if necessary. 

Be prepared to live with roommates. Getting out means you might have a bit of a rough landing into adulthood, and money will probably be tight for a while after you escape. Do whatever you need to do to save money and avoid going back to your parents. That means you probably won’t be able to afford to live alone just yet - be ready to rent a room in someone else’s home or share an apartment with multiple roommates. Your parents may have fed you a lot of horror stories about how terrible most kids have it when they move out on their own and live with roommates - they might have told you that your roommates would be messy, that the house would be disgusting, that they would steal from you or refuse to pay their share, or even that they would hate you and find you impossible to live with. Don’t believe a word of it. As someone who very successfully lived with more than a dozen roommates from age 19 - 26, I can assure you that the vast majority of people out there are just kids like you, who mostly clean up after themselves and spend a lot of time in their own rooms. Even if conflicts do arise, you are much more capable of dealing with them than you think. Having a roommate occasionally play their music too loud or leave dishes in the sink is still a whole lot better than living with a parent who constantly emotionally abuses you. 

Don’t panic if your parents call the cops or report you missing. Authoritarian parents do not give up control easily - even when you legally have the right to leave their home and live on your own, they may threaten to take legal action against you and force you to come back home. If you refuse to answer their calls or allow them access to your apartment, they may even threaten to report you missing. Stay calm. These are empty threats. Once you hit your eighteenth birthday, you have a right to live on your own and cut off contact with your parents if you want to. If the police get in contact with you, stay calm, answer their questions and explain that you are an adult with controlling parents who cannot accept that you have left home. Let the police know that you are fine and don’t need help at this time, and that you don’t want your information shared with your parents. Contrary to what your parents believe, opening a missing persons case does not mean that the police will force you to go home or that the police will give them your address and personal information - plenty of “missing people” just don’t want to be found, and all the police can say once they’ve found you is that you were located safe and your case is closed. Likewise, if your parents threaten to file for guardianship of you or report you as a danger to yourself, stay calm; the burden of proof for those things is extraordinarily high, and even having an extensive history of mental illness does not mean that your parents will be awarded guardianship. Answer basic questions from authorities and decline their help. If your parents show up at your apartment and try to gain entry or demand that you move home, call the cops; your parents don’t have the right to remove you from your home against your will, and the law is on your side.

Put your parents on a strict information diet. Even after you’ve left home, your parents may demand full access to all your information - they might insist that you share your location with them with a location tracking app, demand access to your social media pages and expect that you will keep them updated on every detail of your life. Your response to these requests should be simple: no. If you are going to continue to have a relationship with your parents - and you don’t have to if you don’t want to - then it’s going to happen on your terms from now on. Only give your parents the information that you are comfortable with them having, and that you feel they can handle. If you are comfortable telling them about your schoolwork but not your dating life, that is a choice you get to make now. If you tell them about someone you’ve been seeing and they say vile things in response, adjust accordingly - no more information about your dating life for them until you feel that they can control themselves. Relationships between adults require mutual respect, and if they can’t offer you that, then they get nothing.

If you’ve ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you’ve probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop. 

So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?

Nope. 

Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you’ll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:

You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it’s your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.

I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it’s not my responsibility to learn to manage my  emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.

You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.

If I have feelings about something, it’s my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business. 

You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don’t have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.

I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.

My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I’m upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you’re just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.

You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it’s because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.

If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don’t have to respect those boundaries.

You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.

If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don’t get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I’ve apologized, the matter is closed for good.

The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature. 

I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I’ve given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.

I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve. 

If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault. 

I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you. 

If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.

I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences. 

Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have. 

Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive. 

A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse.