The greatest secrets are always hidden                                                                   in the most unlikely places.

❛  i’m really sorry i couldn’t make it to your birthday party last month.  ❜ ❛  heck , i’d probably skip my own birthday party for a date.  ❜ ❛  fuck me gently with a chainsaw.  ❜ ❛  doesn’t it bother you that everyone in the school thinks you’re a piranha ?  ❜ ❛  they all want me , as a friend or a fuck.  ❜ ❛  come on you jerk. you know you used to have a sense of humor.  ❜ ❛  that’s the stupidest question i’ve ever heard.  ❜ ❛  did you have a brain tumor for breakfast ?  ❜ ❛  so tonight’s the night. are you excited ?  ❜ ❛  everybody’s life’s got static. is your life perfect ?  ❜ ❛  you’re just so hot tonight. i can’t control myself.  ❜ ❛  i just wanna get laid.  ❜ ❛  what’s your damage ?  ❜ ❛  you were nothing before you met me !  ❜ ❛  monday morning , you’re history. i’ll tell everyone about tonight.  ❜ ❛  just saying , it’s not hard to end a life.  ❜ ❛  i guess i don’t know what the hell i’m talking about.  ❜ ❛  i know exactly what the hell you’re talking about and you’re right , you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.  ❜ ❛  let’s just grow up , be adults , and die.  ❜ ❛  is that a ‘no’ in your lingo ?  ❜ ❛  we both said a lot of things we didn’t mean last night.  ❜ ❛  how the hell’d you get in here ?  ❜ ❛  i can’t believe it. i just killed my best friend.  ❜ ❛  i’m just a little freaked , all right ?  ❜ ❛  you got what you wanted , you know.  ❜ ❛  it’s one thing to want somebody out of your life. it’s another thing to serve them a wake-up cup of drano.  ❜ ❛  that’s good. have you done this before ?  ❜ ❛  what are you smiling at ?  ❜ ❛  did that sound bitchy ?  ❜ ❛  i’m sure your friends are happy to hear that.  ❜ ❛  i’d like to know just what i did.  ❜ ❛  hey listen , my bonnie-and-clyde days are over.  ❜ ❛  does this answer your question ?  ❜ ❛  you believed it because you wanted to believe it.  ❜ ❛  can’t you see this is a special moment ?  ❜ ❛  don’t even talk about that stuff !  ❜ ❛  i don’t know how to talk to you.  ❜ ❛  our relationship’s moving fast , i know , but i have real , real respect for you.  ❜ ❛  what do you want from me ?  ❜ ❛  some people just don’t matter. why should those who do carry their weight ?  ❜ ❛  i’m sorry you felt you had to put yourself through all that shit.  ❜ ❛  i guess i picked the wrong time to be a human being.  ❜ ❛  what are you trying to do ? kill me ?  ❜ ❛  hey now , if you were happy every day of your life , you wouldn’t be a human being , you’d be a game show host.  ❜ ❛  don’t talk to me like that.  ❜ ❛  [name] , why can’t you just be a friend ? why are you such a megabitch ?  ❜ ❛  i don’t get it ! you were wrong ! i was right !  ❜ ❛  wait a … you’re not listening ! i’m not on your side …  ❜ ❛  what in the hell do you think i’m doing ? taking out her tonsils ?  ❜ ❛  i loved you. sure , climbed up here to kill you , but first i was going to try and get you back.  ❜ ❛  you think just because you started this thing , you can end it ?  ❜ ❛  you really fucked me up , [name].  ❜

“ it's just for one weekend. “

“ your parents hate me. you do know that, right? “

“ i'll be your date to the wedding. “

“ would you just do me this one favor? “

“ you need a date, i'm available. “

“ do you want to do this or not? “

“ this is insane, you do know that right? “ “ what else am i supposed to do? “ “ have you tried being honest? “

“ i hate your family, and your family hate me. “ “ well, i don't hate either of you. “

“ before we do anything, we should go over some ground rules. “

“ it’s one weekend. “ [beat] “ seriously? is the sight of my face really that repulsive? “

“ come on, you're my only option. “

“ you're good at this, you know. convincing me to do things that i damn well know's gonna end in disaster. “

“ just promise me one thing. “ “ what's that? “ “ don't fall in love with me. “ “ [too late]. “

“ don’t speak, or you’ll ruin everything. “

“ just smile and hold my hand. “

“ i can't believe we're doing this. “

“ this was a mistake. “ “ you're right. it was. “

“ we don't need to spend time together, okay? “

“ you kissed me last night. “ “ and you didn't stop me. “

“ i now pronounce us husband and wife. “

“ i'm so sorry. i never should have asked this of you. “

“ if anything, you should be honored. “

“ i can’t stand the sound of your voice, let alone the thought of kissing you. “

“ if i give you ten dollars, will you do it? “

“ just kiss me. “

“ hold my hand. “ “ what? “ “ just hold it. “

“ my ex won’t leave me alone, okay, i’m in desperate need of a diversion. “

“ are you fucking kidding me? you’re the one who asked me to be here. “

“ where’s my soap? “ “ i replaced it. “ “ it smells like fucking cinnamon. “ “ so? “ “ it's fucking june. “ [beat] “ where did you even get it? “

“ do i need to remind you that we're not actually married? “

“ this is my house. “ “ but… we’re married? “

“ we’ve been best friends since middle school, no one is going to believe this. “ “ everyone is going to believe this. “

“ you gon’ hire a child, too? “ “ well, that depends, do you happen to have a niece? “

“ but... there’s only one bed. “ “ take the couch. “ “ but... we're married? “ “ not behind closed doors. “

“ so i’m your -- “ “ fiancé. for the time being. “ “ that sounds like a threat. “ “ maybe it is. “

“ kisses aren’t necessary. we can stick to hugs and hand holding. “

“ would you pretend to be my date? “

“ tonight... maybe we don't have to pretend. “

“ what i’m about to ask you might be a little… inappropriate. “

“ do you think we should practice [kissing]? “ “ sure... “

“ if you want to ask me out on a date, ask me out on a date. no need to orchestra a whole ass fake marriage just because you're too much of a wimp to admit what you want. “

“ i want you to marry me. for real, this time. “

“ you feel it too, don’t you? “

“ this thing we’ve got going on, it’s so much more than it ever used to be. “

“ i want us to be exclusive. no more lies, no more pretending... “

“ tell me this is real. tell me i’m not the only one who felt something that night. “

“ when this is all over, i don’t want us to go our separate ways. “

“ i don’t want this to end. i don’t. “

“ babe, wake up. “

“ are you okay, my love? “

“ i had a nightmare. “

“ are you awake? “

“ you woke up screaming. “

“ it just felt so... real. “

“ you wanna talk about it? “

“ just hold me. “

“ please don't go back to sleep just yet. “

“ i'm here, okay? “

“ you're safe. “

“ can i stay with you? i... had a really bad dream. “

“ i'll be there when you wake up. “

“ here, take my hand. “

“ it's just a bad dream. “

“ hey, look at me. look at me. it's not real. “

“ wake up! “

“ hey... are you crying? “

“ hey, look at me. what's wrong? “

“ let's stay up for a while. “

“ you're back in the real world where nothing can hurt you. “

“ look around you. “

“ i'm so embarrassed. “ “ nothing to be embarrassed off. “

“ you wanna tell me about [your dream]? “ “ it was like a horror movie. “

“ we can talk, or we can lay here, listening to each other's heartbeat. “

“ think you can fall asleep again? “

“ i'll stay up with you. “

“ i had a really crazy dream. like. really crazy. “

“ i think i'm gonna stay up for a while. “ “ want me to join you? “

“ you're... crushing my hand. “

“ hey, calm down. calm down. you're okay. “

“ you’re sick. “

“ i feel fine. “

“ you're clearly not fine. “ “ that obvious, huh? “

“ you've been out for a couple hours. “

“ i made you dinner. “

“ is there ice-cream? “

“ you need to eat. “

“ do you have a fever? “

“ would you mind bringing me a glass of water? “

“ need something from the store? “

“ you're burning up. “

“ i need an aspirin. maybe a hundred. “

“ you shouldn't be in here. “

“ you're gonna get yourself sick. “

“ who's gonna take care of me if you get sick? “

“ how are you feeling? “

“ think i might have coughed up a lung... “

“ could you get me some clean sheets? maybe some clothes? “

“ you can't sleep on the couch -- “

“ you've been caring for me for the past two days, you deserve a bit of a break. “

“ fever's up by two degrees. “

“ you sure you don't want a doctor to take a look at this? “

“ i feel like shit. “ “ don't be so dramatic. “

“ get some rest. shout if you need me. “

“ do i look sick to you? “

“ you look a wreck. “ “ feel like i’ve been in one. “

“ thank you for taking care of me. “

“ when did you get sick? “ “ last night. “

“ if i get sick, that just means more time spent with you. “

“ how about we save that kiss for some other time? “

“ you're gonna make yourself sick. “

“ i feel like shit. “ “ you sure do look the part. “ “ shut up. “

“ do you need anything? “ “ alcohol. “ “ no. “

“ nothing quite like that post-sickness skin-care routine. “