Trash

(Minor Good Omens S2 Spoilers)

As someone who’s endured my own Trauma and dealt with the resulting PTSD without any help, watching Crowley’s journey from a joyful, silly, and entirely innocent angel to a withdrawn, lonely, hyper-vigilant demon as a result of the Fall both shattered my heart and confronted me with the fact of myself, and I’d like to talk about it. 

When you* experience Trauma, you experience an existential disorientation and a profound sense of grief over the world you thought you knew–one where you were safe and nothing bad had ever happened to you. “Innocence died screaming,” and all that.

You're also therefore mourning the loss of who you were, and struggling to make sense of who you are now. Which is why this conversation is so gut-wrenching:

“I know you.” “You do not know me.” “I knew the angel you were.” “The angel you knew is not me.” 

This dialogue admittedly still makes my eyes swim. It’s reminiscent of the many conversations I’ve had with people close to me who knew me Before and After. Not only are you grieving the loss of your own innocence, so are those around you, and it feels like you’re wearing their loved one’s face like a mask.

And then underneath the grief, there’s a river of–what you’ll later discover is misplaced–guilt. They want you to be who you were. Fuck, you also want to be who you were -- to not have experienced what you did -- but you can’t.

And when they catch a glimpse of something that reminds them of Before-You -- because it's not like that you has just up and vanished, you've just changed -- they say things like, “I feel like I have you back!” Like the After-You is a consolation prize, something to be tolerated while they wait for the Before-You to return.

It’s not malicious. They love you. They want you to be happy. But it just serves as a reminder of your loss and suddenly you’re acutely aware of how alone you are with the Thing that hurt you.

After trauma, you’re lonely and you're afraid. But those emotions make you feel quite naked, because both of those things would require you to depend on other people to feel better and, at this point, the thought of doing that is far too scary, so to the world, you’re angry. Thus begins the cyclical self-fulfilling prophecy.

And that cycle goes a bit like this: People see the mistrust and the bitterness and the volatility (the shield that keeps people at an arm's length and helps you feel safe). They don't see the profound sustained fear underneath, the desperate need to feel seen and accepted. And so people pull away.

And that real or perceived abandonment feeds the monster that’s taken up permanent residence in your ribcage and screams at all hours that you’re not worthy of love, that you’re irreparably broken, and you’ll always be alone. And you pull away from the people that love you. And the cycle repeats. And you start to believe all of the bad things about yourself that the monster tells you.

Being confronted with a character who you adore and who you also relate to closely is bittersweet in that it’s both immensely painful, but also offers you an opportunity to interrupt that cycle, to explore a different -- perhaps more forgiving -- lens through which to view yourself. To practice self-compassion by proxy, if you will. After all, we tend to extend far greater empathy and forgiveness to others than we do to ourselves.

Angel Crowley, "who squeaked and squealed when he was happy; who flailed his arms around and made explosion noises with his mouth to explain nebulas; who preened when told his stars were pretty,” (joycrispy) reminded me a lot of “Angel T,” or rather myself before Trauma.

And Crowley's story is tragic. I was heartbroken and angry for him; I felt the depth of the betrayal he experienced at the hands of someone he loved who he'd believed loved him; I found myself wanting to protect him, to comfort him. Crowley did not deserve what happened to him.

And, over a decade later, I realized that I’d finally accepted that I’d been an innocent, just like Crowley had, and I didn't deserve what happened to me, either.

And -- if you find yourself relating to this post -- neither did you.

Once we can actually tell ourselves that and actually believe it, we can start to lower the shield. We can allow people closer, including ourselves. We can bring the parts of ourselves we may have hidden away back to the surface. We can soften again. We can truly start to heal.

Crowley, at his core, remains the same. He is still kind, deeply loving, playful, silly, and – against all odds – hopeful. But his trauma has changed him; his innocence is gone.

He struggles to trust others; fears abandonment; engages in unhealthy coping mechanisms; finds it easier to prioritize and tend to Aziraphale's needs and desires than his own; and has difficulty expressing his emotions.

But he also gained an abundance of empathy, a deep love for humanity, and a strong sense of justice.

We adore Crowley exactly as he is now; we don't wish for him to be who he was before the Fall. And neither does Aziraphale.

In kind, we won’t be who we were — nor should we try to be — but we can be something new, a different version of ourselves that is equally good, equally worthy, and equally deserving of love. 

After over a decade, I think my Trauma wound has mostly healed, as much as Trauma wounds can, anyway; it’s a dull ache rather than an acute pain. Yet Crowley's story assuaged that remaining hurt like a salve I hadn’t realized I needed.

So thank you to @neil-gaiman for giving us such a beautiful story, and to David Tennant, Michael Sheen, and the rest of the cast and crew who bring the characters we love to life on screen.

Good Omens truly is a gift. May it continue to inspire us to offer kindness and love to ourselves and one another. 🖤

when mrs sandwich calls him good, he doesn’t cringe. his rejection of “i’m not, actually,” is half-assed and cheeky at best, is his automatic response.

but then he says “thank you.”

Hello. We have some fics in which Aziraphale doesn’t believe Crowley loves him here and here on our #not actually unrequited love tag. And here are some fics in which Aziraphale doesn’t think Crowley loves him and is proven wrong...

Find It in the Dictionary Under 'L' by his_infinitevariety (G)

Demons can’t feel love, but Aziraphale can’t help noticing how much Crowley’s suddenly flinging the word around.

A feather to guide you home by IneffableDemon (T)

"I found the feather the day we met, okay? You were…" Crowley waved his hands around, trying to find the correct words. "I don't know, kind, nice, but not the usual cold angelic nice. You were actually nice. And you were different."

Believe Me, I Love You by AnonymousDandelion (G)

“I’m sorry," said Aziraphale. "It’s just that it’s been a rather long time since anyone…ah, never mind that. It’s a pleasant feeling, that’s all.”

“A pleasant feeling,” Crowley echoed. There was a very, very strange expression on his face. “A pleasant feeling. To be… loved?”

That’s Not Funny by cyankelpie (G)

Aziraphale has never sensed even a shred of love from Crowley, which is perfectly alright. It isn't Crowley's fault demons can't love. But then Crowley makes what must be a cruel joke at his expense, and Aziraphale can't control his emotions as well while drunk.

Luckily, he doesn't remember the confession in the morning. Crowley doesn't see why the angel was so upset over something he probably knew all along, but he'll make sure it stays forgotten.

Thy Cup Runneth Over by childrenofthesun (M)

A few decades before the Apocalypse, the Archangels discover that Aziraphale is irreparably in love with Crowley.

Rather than smiting the demon, they take pity on their Earthbound operative, and remove the obstacle by giving Aziraphale exactly what he wants.

But obviously, a demon would never be able to feel love on their own, so they have to do something to ensure that Crowley will reciprocate Aziraphale's feelings…

Somebody to Love by Bookwormgal (T)

Everyone knows that demons can’t feel love. It was one of those well-established facts that no one even bothered to doubt anymore. The sky is blue, the Ineffable Plan was beyond comprehension or understanding, angels do not question or doubt Her commands, and demons can’t love. Angels could sense love and none of them ever sensed love in the presence of demons. Everyone considered that to be conclusive evidence and moved on. Believing otherwise was foolish and a waste of time.

But while it was considered an unquestionable fact of the universe, it wasn’t quite accurate. Demons were perfectly capable of feeling love. Any form of love. Despite common knowledge and despite the fact that the Fall ensured that they could no longer sense Her love, demons can experience love.

What demons can’t do, however, is feel love and survive.

destiel + (married) text posts bonus:

and then dean goes missing.

he's ostensibly out hunting with his father, but he's not calling cas back to check in like usual, and when cas finally bites the bullet and drives out to the podunk town dean was supposedly investigating, it's obvious that he never made it to his destination. cas has to weigh several competing questions at once while he's panicking:

did dean just cut dies and drop him, maybe because he's afraid of his dad finding out about their relationship?

is he in grave danger?

how does he track dean down, since dean is an expert on vanishing into thin air and covering his tracks?

who does he talk to for help? it's not like he can ask john. which leaves only one option, really.

the crux of it is that sam knows all of dean's past, but none of who dean is now, and cas knows dean intimately for who he is now, but knows very little about his past. and both cas and sam are struggling desperately to bridge the gap in their knowledge.

"We've done this before..." Cas eventually says out loud.

"Hunt a vamp?" Dean replies, "uh, yeah, man. Once or twice."

it’s back! as with part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 and part 5 these are all fics that aren’t necessarily as popular or well known as more common recs. they all have less than 10k hits on ao3 OR were published pre-2015 OR both. i hope you like these, and if you do, be sure to leave a comment and kudos for the author :)