Yes, my trauma pains me regularly. The hurt doesn't leave, I have constant flashbacks, and it literally disables me from existing like a regular person. I have nightmares reliving the trauma that can cripple me for weeks to where I can't even leave my bed. There are things in my life I am just incapable of ever doing because of the trauma and it leaves me feeling like less than a person, if a person at all. It's haunting, its damaging, and it again, it fucking HURTS.

HOWEVER.

Without memory I would never be able to recall any times that were comforting. The few moments I felt ok. The few people that made me feel safe, happy, loved. Though those times were short lived and likely will never happen to me again, I'm glad they happened. I'm glad I can remember them.

Life is already so painful, even just the day to day, I NEED to be able to remember the times when things weren't so bad to keep going, to keep living even though it hurts. Maybe someday, just maybe, things might be like that again. I know they might not, but the possibility keeps me moving.

Spite also keeps me going. Knowing that I wont quit, I won't give up and let my abusers win. I will keep going just to spit in their faces and piss on their graves. Remembering what they did to me will keep me moving and motivate me to keep creating and continue to try my best to thrive despite all of the bullshit going on these days.

Remembering those awful people also prevents me from entering into those same situations. Helps me help others who are in or about to be in those situations. Keeps me learning, recognizing patterns in others, and helps me to protect myself and people I care about.

And on top of that, memory keeps those I loved alive. Pets, family, friends. I have lost so much, so many. And while the thought of losing them hurts so bad, and knowing I will never be able to see them again is so painful, at least I can sit and recall what they looked like. See their face, hear their voice, feel their touch. Memory is what keeps them alive. And I'm grateful I can remember those wonderful individuals because without them my life would feel so empty and wasted.

Memory can be painful but we can't call it a punishment. There's nothing else on this planet worth living for. It's the only gift we have in life and I'm so grateful for the memories I have (that aren't related to my trauma of course).

For example, and please humor me, I want you to remember a time, a place, where you felt safe, even if it was just for a single fleeting moment. Picture it as vividly as you can in your mind. Imagine you are standing, or sitting, or whatever you were doing. Look around. Observe. Smell the smells, taste the tastes, hear the sounds of when you are. Play it back for yourself. Then, revel in it. Place yourself there and just BE there. Tell me that memory is a punishment. It can't be when you're able to do things like this whenever you want, and nobody can stop you.