nycticorax

Within healthy relationships and friendships with narcissists, I've found the key aspects come down to understanding, solid boundaries, communication, patience, and respect.

-> Understanding: You need to understand that we don't function how normal people do, we function on a level where we think about ourselves, we view things through a lens that we're at the top and everyone is below, there also has to be the understanding that some of our actions will be self-serving, they'll be meant to uphold image, they'll be meant to be protective over ourselves. NPD is trauma-caused, we can suffer immensely and struggle holding solid relationships and that can drive behaviors. Having an understanding that sometimes we will be hurtful without meaning to is a start. BUT and it's a big but, understanding why someone did something does not mean you have to allow it to continue or be okay with it.

-> Solid boundaries: you don't have to accept harmful behaviors or excuse them, in fact it's way worse to do that. If you feel hurt by something someone did, regardless of disorder, it was still an action they took, you have a right to say that wasn't okay. Calling someone out on their shit is something that's helped me a lot in friendships, they're able to articulate what I did wrong and why they don't like it, able to set a solid boundary that I can keep in mind. I still do actions that can be harmful or cause tension driven by ego and self-centeredness that my friends will call me out on and won't let continue. You shouldn't let your own comfort be compromised and excused by someone's disorder and behaviors. At the end of the day we are responsible for our actions and the consequences of them, we're not excused from having boundaries set because we struggle with them. Setting boundaries with us is incredibly important because most with NPD that I know can struggle with boundaries.

-> Communication: like I said, I have friends who call me out when I do something wrong. They're able to articulate why it was problematic and why they didn't like it. As long as I don't repeatedly violate it over and over and it's a one time thing, they're more willing to move on from it. Also as long as it's not something huge like... Being a legit Nazi or something. Like there are limits lol. For the most part we're able to talk, agree, admit wrongdoing, and move on. We're able to talk like mature adults and handle issues without dragging them out.

-> Patience: We're still human, we need patience like everyone else, though maybe a little more than others. Plenty of us want to get better, but it takes time and resources that can be hard to have/attain. Taking time to communicate and have patience for those who are trying is incredibly helpful. Taking time to think through why we may do, think, or say something and give us some grace is important. Though like I said, there are limits to this, if someone's repeatedly doing something you don't like and aren't changing even if you're patient, you're allowed to not want that relationship and depart from it

-> Respect: this is another big thing, if you don't give respect, you won't receive respect (or the illusion of it). You won't be respected or treated like a friend if you can't respect us, respect that we're flawed humans, respect that we're individuals. Respect is a two way street, both people need to respect each other in any relationship or friendship, this is the same for pwNPD with the caveat that we can be more likely to lash out if we're not respected.

Something I'd love to see in a relationship or friendship within media is a portrayal that we're flawed, yes, but we're capable of changing and improvement. We're not a monolith stuck in place with an incapability to reflect and change.

For my personal experiences with romantic relationships, I've had 2 major ones and 1 minor one.

My first ever ex was an EP for a lot of my life, I cared for her a lot, but we weren't good for each other at all, she was very emotionally abusive towards me and manipulative. I was also manipulative though I didn't realize that at the time, I won't get into specifics, but I would give ultimatums, threaten break ups to stop her from getting into destructive situations, constantly thought she would cheat on me, etc. it was my first relationship and I wasn't receiving any kind of mental help and was actively being traumatized via various issues both in and out of that relationship. I thought what I was doing was going to make things better, that if I controlled her, it would be fine, she would get better. It, obviously, didn't. We ultimately ended things after the like 3rd break up.

The minor relationship lasted like a month or two, I blew it up by not respecting his identity, I was ignorant, so he broke up with me, pretty clean cut. Not hung up over it, I've learned better by now.

My third relationship is where everything kinda changed, we recently broke up, but it was the healthiest relationship I've ever had. I've stopped giving ultimatums, stopped being manipulative. I communicated better, I worked on myself, I warned him I needed patience and about my ego and issues. He agreed. I was able to better respect him, respect myself. Things never turned into arguments. I struggled with romantic feelings towards the end, I still have issues with relationships, I haven't fully shaken a lot of my habits, but I would get him gifts, we went on dates, had fun. But I think we work better as friends. The relationship ended on good terms. We still are friends and still talk.

I've had a pretty big character arc across my relationships and as I grew up. Growth like that isn't impossible for pwNPD, I actively improved and I'm at a point where while I still struggle internally with relationships, I don't project that outward and I'm able to better communicate my issues and articulate things in a non-destructive way.

PwNPD are human, we're going to fuck up, we're going to learn. I'd say it's dishonest to say we don't hurt people by accident. Everyone does, we're usually just largely unaware that actions affect others negatively. That's why the previous points are so important, why we need understanding, boundaries, and communication.

Now disclaimer: if anyone, regardless of disorder, keeps violating boundaries constantly, if they refuse to change, if they cross a personal line that makes you want to not associate, you don't have to stick around. You can end that friendship or relationship. You don't have to excuse behaviors or justify them because of a disorder. We're still responsible for our actions and should have consequences for the negative ones.

A lot of our friendships can be quite surface level, we may give gifts or compliments to make people like us. We'll interact and craft an image around people. It's not something to take too personally unless they're actively hurting you. It's just how our internal hierarchy works and how we see people. It can still be healthy even if there's less of an emotional intimacy. I view friendships in a more transactional way, what can I get out of this relationship and what do I have to give to get that. It could be because they're funny, I need entertainment, they'll listen to me yapping, they help me be a better person, etc. I'm still willing to put in work on friendships, if I like the person I'll try to keep them around as much as possible and do things to keep them around via gift giving, letting them vent, normal friend stuff.

But yeah in conclusion: healthy relationships can be difficult with disorders like NPD, we think about ourselves, we usually lack empathy to care about others on a deeper level, we struggle with boundaries. There's a lot of emotional distance that tends to happen, we're traumatized people, people who have fragile identities. But there are ways to make it work, we're capable of change, we're able to maintain relationships healthily even if there's not a ton of closeness there.