Tomorrow is my birthday. It's always been triggering for me. But this year she adds to it. Did I ever mention it was on her birthday that I discovered she was still married? Not as in seperated, but still together. (She told me she was divorced). Which i still don't understand. Why say divorced? Why fabricate that story? And she constructed an entire story. What was the point? Feed on my empathy? Maybe it made me easier to manipulate.

I was in too much pain to let her pretend she didn't hurt me. But like always i'm punished when i refuse to be invisible. I honestly wish I could ask Alicia what is wrong with people like them? How can you discard someone you've already hurt? How can you hurt them again?

I know why i confonted her. I know the trigger and the immense pain i was in. But i think this might be the biggest regret of my life.

Are we really that different? I chose myself and I lost her. I regret it immensely. What we had was fake but I miss the illusion. Which is what she's choosing now. The truth is she hurt me, but she's choosing the illusion that protects her ego. At the end of the day we both choose to ignore reality.

I'm beginning to see the layers to her manipulation

There is someone i want to confide in, but i'm not allowed to. My cousin. The last time i saw her i could tell she was tired of me. Eyes never lie, you know? For a moment that day i thought it was okay for me to exist. I mean, i'm family. Right? No, i was wrong. I'm always wrong. No one wants me in their life. Not the girl. Not Alicia. Not even my own fucking family. That never changes. It's been that way since i was a child. What's so wrong with me? Why is alicia always right? That i have to die to make them happy.

I know I was supposed to ask her why she feels she didn't hurt me. I was supposed to try and understand her thoughts and where she's coming from. I was supposed to give my effort to emphasize with her, although she would never try for me. I was supposed to abandon myself again. It's because I didn't that she left.

What right does she have to abandon me? She's the one who hurt me in the first place. I just wanted her to acknowledge it. To admit how she treated me was wrong. And, honestly, an apology too. I deserve an "I'm sorry." Why does she choose to hurt me again instead?

Every video i watch and article i read says the issue is with her. She invalidated me to avoid feelings of shame or guilt. She's not mature enough to deal with conflict in a healthy way. Blocking me was an avoidance tactic. Etc etc. But is it true? Is there a deeper meaning to understand her actions? Or is the truth that i simply mean nothing to her? Why would she make effort for someone who is nothing?

I got a woman's perspective last night. She didn't think it was block worthy. I wasn't yelling or cussing her out. I was calm and rational. She asked if i regret the message? I don't. But i do regret the result.

I'm not allowed to exist in anyone's life. That's the lesson. Right? That's always the lesson.

I think I just wanted acknowledgement. An apology would have been nice. But would i have believed it? My trust in her is so depleted. But if she would have said "I know i hurt you. How i treated you was wrong." That would have moved mountains for me. But I wasn't worth that.