TARDIS

AND ALSO the mom cat raised the lynx baby ALONGSIDE HER KITTEN so we have all these cute pictures of the lynx cub with the kitten please look at them

The party is outside the gates of a dwarven fortress that’s been taken over by baddies, mostly greenskins (orcs, goblins, etc.). The group, like many in life, starts to bicker about what course of action to take. While this is going on…

Me (the wizard): *Jokingly* I go to the gates and knock.

DM: *Takes this seriously* *Loudly so party stops* While you are all discussing a plan, the albino wizard goes right up to the gate and pounds loudly with a fist. From somewhere through a hole you hear a goblin voice shout “who dat!?”

Party goes silent, and is giving me ‘what have you done’ looks.

Me: “Er… Pizza!”

Everyone facepalms.

DM: “Pizza who?”

Me: “Pizza… tribe! Yes! We from the Pizza Tribe! Our great leader, Papa John in the great Pizza Hut, wishes to give tribute and form an alliance!”

Everyone facepalms, again.

DM: Roll the bluff skill

Im a wizard, not a sorcerer. My Charisma is 8.

Roll.

Natural 20!

DM: “Ok! We open gates, you come in!”

Everyone suddenly scrambles to put on Hats of Disguise, hide their pendants to good deities, and me to cast various spells to disguise or alter us.

Two Minutes Later

The leader of the enemy has come to receive our tribute. We lay our gold and some shinies down. Meanwhile, me, doing the talking, points to a flask of alchemist’s fire the orc barbarian in our party has.

Me: “We also offer this great firewater, great potent drink! Here, you should drink some!”

Everyone tense and now thinking I’m going to mess this up.

DM: *Roll the bluff chesk*

Roll.

Another Nat 20!

DM: Nodding to himself with a pleased smirk, the Bugbear leader takes the alchemists fire, pops the cork on it, tilts his head back, and turns the bottle bottom’s up over his mouth… only to pour fiery pain and death right down his own throat!

Ninja: “Okay, I’m gonna stealth run and jump up to try to get a better view of the room.”

DM: “Why? It’s an open room, dude. The only thing in the room is a massive gong.”

Ninja: “Okay, well I use the gong to get a better view of the door.”

DM: -huffs- “Alright, whatever.”

Ninja rolls a 17 for the run, but a 1 for his landing. The entire table goes dead silent while the DM just rubs a hand down face.

DM: “Ninja runs like Jesus on water across the room and jumps, but misjudges the height on his jump which causes him to land smack in the middle of the gong. For the sake of posterity and because I have mercy on all of you, I’m gonna let the Ninja roll for recovery.”

Ninja rolls, gets a 3. DM looks like he’s about to pop an anneurism. Ninja stands up and puts his hands flat on the table.

Ninja: “Okay, since I know we’re all about to die, I’m gonna tell the story. You see, I ran up to the gong and  hit it in the middle and GONGGGG, use the momentum from the blow to get to the top and jump, deciding I need create a diversion for whatever’s coming so I…” -he carefully looks at every single person at the table in his pause- “…SMASH ALL OF THE STAINED GLASS WINDOWS!”

“Not me! I’m a halfling monk!”

Context: I have to introduce the uber powerful Amazing Zam. Basically he can do anything but you have to convince him. NPC ex machina.

Me(ooc): I’m gonna try to convince him that we don’t know anything about the dead body yet.

DM: Ok, roll deception.

Me: *rolls* 23.

the Bard: Whoa thats high.

Me: im proficient in it. +5

out druid: youre a priest???? why are you proficient in lying?

the barbarian: maybe theyre a trickster priest. trickster domain.

Me: no im a life domain. priest of pelor.

druid: is it a feat?

Me: i have the healer feat? thats my only one. im just also proficient in deception.

Me: “Okay, so now I’ve got myself a camel, a disarmed nuclear device in a briefcase handcuffed to my arm, and a spirit of rage bottled inside this bottle shaped like a butterfly. I don’t need all or any of these things…”

DM at end of session: “okay, as usual does anyone have any comments, questions, or concerns for next time?”

My

*calms down*

Dm: *rolls* you’re still in its mouth, being chewed vigorously.

Me: OH COME ON SOMEONE HELP ME

Dm: *to players* anyone want to help?

Player 1 OOC: nah shes got this

player 2 OOC: I would but i have my own plans

Player 3 OOC: she’ll live shes got a suit

*the players take thier turns in fighting as my character continues to be chewed, this goes on until the end of the battle when the boss spits me out to flee*

Dm( to me): the monster is turning to leap, you have one chance to take a shot.

Me: I SHOOT HIM IN THE ASS

Dm: roll for it

Me:* rolls* nat 20!

Dm:……. You stand up and steady yourself, taking aim at the creature with your gun, you fire, hitting your mark so perfectly it explodes into a million peices.

Me: revenge bitch!

So our quest was to save our friends dad who was a famous model from an evil wizard who he owed money. We got to the wizard and he summoned a super powerful Demon Lord by using the dad as a sacrifice.

Long story short we were able to bargain with the Demon Lord after killing the Wizard and he’d grant us each a boon. Our “friend” Jamaal had recently tried to betray us to the wizard for his Dads life back so we’re all, including the DM, very salty

Jamaal: i wish my dad was alive and super hot again

Demon Lord: GRANTED

-the dead dad gets brought back to life and set on fire. Naturally he starts screaming-

Jamaal: oh Gosh thats not what i meant, he’s going to die

Demon Lord: AH, YOU MEANT IMMORTALITY, THAT IS ALSO GRANTED

Jamaal: We dragged him out of hell just to put him back in it!

Demon Lord: ACTUALLY HE WAS IN HEAVEN

Jamaal: That Makes It Worse!!!!

Bard: I’m going to cast Polymorph.

DM: Roll for it.

Nat. 20.

DM: How do you want to do this?

(It should be said, at this time, that our DM plays fast and loose with the rules. If it’s funny, he’ll allow it.)

Bard: I’m going to break out in a rendition of Under the Sea and turn Lt. Kas into a goldfish.

DM (weakly): A goldfish. Okay gang, Lt. Kas has… failed his saving throw and is now a goldfish, flopping around inside of his robes. How do you kill him?

Bard: I’m going to walk over as easy as you please and crush him under my heel.

DM, now laughing: As you kill him, you immediately gain a sense of everything that is happening on this layer. You know where this layer’s troops are and how they’re faring, and you have command over the entire layer. Congratulations, you just became the Lord of this layer of Hell.